I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Monday, September 22, 2014

It's been awhile...

Wow so I'm such a slacker, I haven't blogged since June!! So much has happened since then. Kayden's much dreaded 3rd Angelversary was on July 14. I still can't believe it's been 3 years since I've saw my 3 year old son. Over the last 3 years so much has happened, yet nothing has gotten easier. I still miss my baby boy as much as I did the day he left this world. Kayden was such a special little boy and no one will ever take his place and we'll continue to remember him and do good in his memory.
Also, on August 22, 2014 I brought my rainbow baby into the world. Elijah Isaac-James was born at 11:48am. He was born 3 years 1 month and 8 days after his oldest brother took his last breath. Elijah is the sweetest little guy ever, just like is big brother. He's got beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes. I hope they don't change.
Tavion started kindergarten at the beginning on the month. That's a tough pill to swallow. I can't believe he is old enough for big school. It breaks my heart, and Alexis started 3rd grade. My mind is still trying to wrap around me having a 3rd grader and kindergartner but the fact Alexis is almost 9 years old makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out LOL. I mean soon she will be in the double digits and be 10 AH! Seems like a lifetime ago....like it happened to someone else. I tell you a lot has happened since that February in 2006. At least their dad and I can most of the time get along without fighting and yelling at each other. Crazy isn't it lol!

Anyways on a serious note, I've been having some hard days lately. Missing Kayden so much, I hold Elijah all the time and talk to him about all the kids and I've been telling him about Kayden. My heart hurts because I'll never have a picture of Kayden holding Elijah like I do of him holding the other boys. It really breaks my heart, the only picture I have is Elijah in his car seat sitting next to Kayden's headstone. Which he did get to visit Kayden for the first time the other day with me. I feel overly protective over Elijah and I'm not sure if it's because he's my last child, my rainbow baby, or because I'm the only parent involved in his life..Or maybe it's all those reasons, so I feel I have to give him extra love so I don't let him cry much and I do always have him. I know I should let him cry to help build his lungs, but I feel so bad for letting him cry. It makes me feel horrible inside. Ya know, I'm not sure if I'll ever find me a guy to spend my life with. I'm so strong willed and stubborn I haven't found a man strong enough to handle me. It makes me wonder if that's why God has blessed me with boys ♥ Just say a prayer for me that hopefully these hard days go easy on me.

Elijah Isaac-James

 Elijah visiting Kayden for the first time

Me and my rainbow ♥ 

 Happy 1 Month to Elijah ♥

 Tavion and Alexis on their first day of school ♥