I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Another year in the books...

Wow so 2014 is almost over. One more day left, so I'm definitely going to tell my story of this year...starting with December 31, 2013....At around 1 am on 12/31/13 I was in the emergency room being told I was pregnant...the emotions flooded in quickly, scared, nervous, happy, sad, all kinds of them. I cried, I was so scared, I was't sure I wanted more kids after losing Kayden. I was sad because I knew Kayden would never get to hold this baby, never get pictures with this baby. And unfortunately I hate to admit, I was unsure about who the babys father was. I had just got back with my now ex after being broke up for a month and a half & while we were broke up I was talking to an old friend of mine I've known half of my life. Now the world knows the story but hey at least it wasn't like 15 people right? The guy I was with claimed to love me so yea I ended up making the decision to get back with him. We ended up breaking up in March, he had been cheating on me and well I opened my eyes and realized he never really cared about me. Both of them knew it was possible the baby could have been either of theirs....So anyways I ended up going through the entire pregnancy alone, labor and delivery alone well my mama was there for that...After my little rainbow was born, I did find out Elijah was my friends baby, so who said friends can't have kids together? Exactly, lol so far we're doing pretty good at it I hope it continues. Elijah is his first and my fifth baby. I'm not sure what God's plans were when we blessed us with Elijah, though I do know I was on a road blinded by what I thought was love. The whole pregnancy I grew stronger in my relationship and faith with God and I'm pretty comfortable with where I am today. Though I made a big mistake when I didn't end up with Elijah's dad a year ago...But the time just wasn't right I guess and I thought my ex loved me because I did love him.

Today Elijah is 4 months old, I'm on my own, I quit my job in April 2014 and still taking care of all of my kids. I lost my car in November, first time since I was 16 without a car. This year has definitely been a challenge but I've held on to my faith and I trust in God that he will take care of us. He helps those who help their selves, And I am trying...I know in my heart Kayden knows his baby brother, and I have gotten a picture of them two together, it's bittersweet when I have to take my kids to see their brother at a cemetery but I'm so thankful for the headstone where they see his pictures and not just a name and dates. Kayden picked this little boy for us all, Elijah is truly Heaven sent and I am SO blessed to have him and all of his brothers and sister. I don't know what the future holds, but I know God has a plan and I know if I stay close to him, he will lead me in the direction I need to go in. So after this beautiful, crazy year I am saying so long to 2014 and welcoming 2015 with open arms, and can't wait to see what doors open for me this year <3 I hope you all have a blessed night and have a Happy and Safe New Year <3

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Merry Christmas from mine to yours...

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas with your families. The kids were so excited and super happy with all Santa brought them, and everything our family got them! Though we were still missing that one special little person. Today was Kayden's 4th Christmas in Heaven. We had him here on Earth for 4 Christmas' so needless to say it wasn't an easy day to look forward to. I have had a rough month, I've felt myself shutting down to people around me. Once again it's happening, I haven't felt like this since Kayden passed. My heart is heavy every day, the flashbacks have been happening again and the dread that comes with special days (such as today). I feel like I must put on a show for the world, it's expected of me to be happy and go on with my life. Though part of me is still back in 2011 where Kayden was. I know he will forever be with me in my heart, but it's not the same. You can not heal this wound. It's there and it's never going to be any better. It still hurts just as much as it did then. Kayden was a huge part of my life. He was the rock that held our family together and now without him it's like we're all just lost.
Being a single mom is hard on it's own with kids, but being a single mom with children and having lost a child is a challenge all on its own. Some days I don't even know how I got through. My kids are my life and my whole world, I would do anything for them but sometimes, the road gets rough and I start doubting every choice and decision I make. Sometimes it would just be nice to have someone there to help me. I've been single now since March, I was 3 months pregnant with Elijah. So not only was I raising my children I was going through an entire pregnancy alone. It was hard some days and nights, I would just cry. I mean I'm not the type of person who is going to openly tell you how I feel, I have been hurt extremely too much in my life. So here I am almost 27 years old, 4 kids, and I care about this one person but yet can't even tell them. Yea coward maybe, but not really. My patience runs thin these days but I'm being patient and just waiting to see what the future holds. If it's meant to be then I have faith God will allow it to be...even if they are a bit blinded right now. No one knows who or how I feel about this. I just need to get it out somewhere because I'm so tired of bottling up my feelings and crying them out.
This person, I've known for awhile, I've cared about them before but didn't have the courage to even try based off previous relationships. Now my heart is hurting because I still have these feelings and now I'm pretty sure they could care less. Though I believe I could offer this person the world I just can't tell them because it would make absolutely no difference. I often wonder what it would be like now had I given this person a chance...I'm hoping time will open up his eyes and he'll see the truth around it all. God has a plan, everything happens for a reason I truly believe that. So I'm hoping he puts 2 and 2 together and the light bulb comes on and sees where he would fit perfectly into my life.

Anyways, today was Elijah's first Christmas and it was absolutely amazing. He got all kinds of goodies from Santa, both of his Nana's and Uncle Billy. I can not believe my baby boy is already 4 months old, it seems like he was just born =[

I'm hoping you all had a wonderful day and Merry Christmas!!!