Strength.Courage.Hope: Struggles.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Struggles.

Today has been another day in hell. I miss him so much and sometimes I feel like it hurts more and more each day. I just know today has been one of those days, I was at church this morning and was fighting tears during the service. I was at a stop light in front of McDonald's today and starting crying when I looked at the sign, because all I could hear is I want donald's in my ear. He loved McDonald's fries so just seeing that damn place made me cry. I haven't ate there since he's been gone. This just is not fair at all. I know things happen for a reason but I can not figure this one out. What did I do to deserve this, I stood by his side since day 1, his sister didn't deserve to lose her brother & my 2 younger boys didn't deserve to lose their older brother!! I know he's happy in Heaven and running and playing, I like to picture him running through fields of flowers and playing by the river because we all know that water is clear as a whistle. I like to picture that sweet little smile of his and he is probably right by my side right now saying 'mommy don't cry I'm okay'. But it's so hard not to when I just want to touch him or hear that sweet voice. I feel like I've been fighting this back but I haven't anytime I feel like crying I just let it go, but today has been worse than others, I don't know why I guess because I know the 14th is coming up and it'll make a month since he's been gone. And my sister told me the other day that Tavion's 3rd birthday is on Mother's Day next year. So while I'm gunna be terribly upset May 13 because it's my first Mother's day without him plus May 14th will be 10 months since Kayden passed I'll still have to find some way to smile because I have to celebrate Tavion turning 3!! How in the hell am I suppose to do that? Just like Christmas this year I just don't even want to see it come! I don't want December to come at all!! I hate letting the kids see me upset so I just now had to run downstairs to get all this out. So hopefully I can calm myself and relax a bit so I can go get them settled down for the night <3

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About Me

My name is Misty. I'm 26 years old from Roanoke, VA. I am a single mom to my little ones. I've got 5 kids. Alexis, Kayden, Tavion & Isaiah. Kayden is my little Angel, he went to live with the Angels July 14, 2011 waiting on a heart transplant, he was 3.5 years old. Alexis is my oldest she is almost 9, Tavion is 5, Isaiah is 4, and Elijah is 4 months. I enjoy reading, watching movies, blogging, quiet nights(when possible), and long drives listening to music. I started blogging to tell people about Kayden's journey with a broken heart, now it's about life with him as an Angel & how I deal and you'll also get to know my other little ones. You can also visit Kayden's page at www.kaydenjames.weebly.com or on facebook at www.facebook.com/KaydenJamesCHDAngel

My Family

Little Miss Lexi

Alexis is my first child & my only girl. She was born on February 9, 2006. I found out I was pregnant with Lexi 2 months after I had a miscarriage. I was quite surprised that I was pregnant but I was excited along with scared and nervous. She is the best big sister anyone could ask for. She helps with her brothers & she helps me if I need her to..She is a very smart little girl as well, right now she is in preschool. I can't believe my baby girl is almost in Kindergarten. It's true that time doesn't stop for nothing.

Superman

Kayden took his first breath on December 21, 2007 and took his last breath on July 14, 2011. Kayden was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate, dilated cardiomyopathy & a displaced tricuspid valve with tricuspid regurgitation. He had 6 surgeries in his 3 1/2 years. He had 3 to complete his cleft lip/palate, pyloric stenosis at a month old, a preauricular cyst removed & open heart surgery on March 17, 2011. He always had a smile on his face no matter how many challenges were thrown his way. I miss my child more than anything in this world. I love Kayden more than words can ever say. I am broken and will never be repaired, he was my life & my heart is shattered since he lost his battle with his CHD. I'll never stop telling his story because people need to be aware of what is possible & I would like to think that Kayden's life will save another child.

Crazy Tavy

My middle boy, Tavion James. Tavion was born on May 13, 2009 at 37 weeks. He was my biggest yet shortest baby born lol! He is a handful right now he is at the age he wants to get into everything. Although he is small still he holds his ground and has an attitude. He is starting to get into the terrible twos which is never fun but we will survive. He's an amazing little boy and always keep us smiling. Tavion has no health problems that we've noticed and hopefully he continues to stay that way.

Superman's Baby

Isaiah James was welcomed into the world on December 16, 2010 at 3:02 a.m. He weighed 7 lbs 11 oz. & was 20 1/2 inches!! He had a head full of beautiful black hair (just like his sister did). Kayden absolutely loved him and called him his baby. He's so full of energy, loves his brothers and his sister.
My Rainbow

Elijah was born on August 22, 2014, he was 7 lbs 14.8 oz. He's an absolute blessing. Elijah is my rainbow baby, I was so unsure about having more kids after I lost Kayden, but now I see Kayden picked this little fella to send me. I couldn't imagine my life without him. His smile brightens up my darkest day.