I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

I didn't choose this life..it chose me

Recently I've been given some news that's had me feeling many different emotions. I've not really known how to handle it but after praying about it and handing the situation to God, I've decided that I will not carry it alone.

When I look back at my life and realize I'm 27 years old and a single mom to 5 beautiful children, I often wonder how I got here. I have 1 child who I had to give back when he was only 3 1/2 years old and then I have 4 little ones running around. I hear ;mama', 'mommy', 'mama', 'mommy' all day every day it seems like. Sometimes its over an argument between themselves and I admit I get frustrated more than once or twice a day. I also get frustrated when my 4 year old is quiet and I got see what he's up to, only to find he's got crayons all over the wall, or he's done made a mess playing with water in the bathroom.

I then have to step back and remember, they are only little once. They won't always color on walls, or follow me to the bathroom to say, mommy what are you doing in there. They won't always want to cuddle with me when they're sick or hold my hand as they cross the road. They won't always be little. I feel like strangers look down on me when I'm in public because here I am, no ring on my finger or no man walking with me and my 4 children. But then I look at them smile and nod. As I'm thinking, I'm sure I can read your mind but if only you knew my story and how I got here. I did not choose to be a single mom, I did not choose to give my son back, I did not choose to have my kids come from a broken family.

This life chose me...I tried for years to make it work with my ex of almost 6 years. But in the end I realized the cheating, the arguing and the lies just weren't worth it. Elijah's dad is/was a friend of mine for 14 years. Sure, had I not gotten back with a guy who was cheating, abusive, and stole from me chances are I would have ended up with Elijah's father...That's in the past and I can't say yes or no. All I know now is I am now responsible for the care of my 4 living children. I feel like all of the responsibility falls on my shoulders because at the end of the day, I'm the one tucking them in at night, I'm the one doing homework and preparing for school the next morning. I'm also the one who goes to doctors appointments or takes them when they're sick. I'm also the one who is responsible for fighting for what is best for my children. Some days I feel like I can't do it anymore and feel like I've failed my children. But when I kiss them at night and tuck them in and they say 'I love you', and even sometimes Tavion says 'you're the best mom ever', my heart just melts. I know I'm doing something right. I might not be perfect but I'm enough for them.

They are my life and my world. I wouldn't change a thing about this life. I will always try to remember before getting upset about crayons and walls that they won't be little long so just smile and clean it up. No matter what trials you're facing, always remember you didn't choose this life, it chose you because you CAN handle it even when you think you can't.

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