Whatever.

I've had enough of everything. I really have....everything and everyone just keep pushing me...I could walk around every day crying all day if people wouldn't think I was crazy....Every time I'm alone I do cry...I can't help it with all thats went wrong in the last few months how can I not? I don't know when the world will end and I don't care how bad it sounds I hope it does soon because I don't know how much more I can take...The only good thing I've got anymore is my kids. I'm sick of worrying about money and how shit will get paid. I hate Kayden not being here. Every one was in bed the other night and I just went and sat on his bed and held onto his Mickey Mouse pillow and cried. That pillow was one of the only things I've got that stayed with him until his last minutes on Earth...I keep asking myself why did this happened? Why isn't he here? Where did I go wrong? And I can't help but partially blame myself because I took him to that stupid ENT who fuckin the did surgery on his ear while he had infections and then the following month he was in heart failure. So yea I do partially blame myself for not taking him back home that morning. I try to remind myself that this would have happened anyways but it's hard when some days I honestly don't feel like this is how it should be. I put on a show, people tell me oh you're the strongest person I know. WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP NO I'M NOT AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT...I DON'T WANT TO BE STRONG. I WANT MY SON BACK!!!!!!!!! I love seeing others who's kids are doing good but sometimes it just makes my situation worse...so some times I don't know if it's good I have these people still to talk to or if I should just delete everyone so I can keep to myself. A part of me died when Kayden went. And who ever thinks I shouldn't say that oh because 'I still have kids here', well here is what I say to you 'FUCK YOU, GO FUCK YOURSELF'....Kayden was and is my son, he's my oldest son, he was a HUGE part of me, Kayden had a lot of love he had the love I have for my other kids but he also had a different love because of his health and what we went through together....So yes a part of me is gone forever it went with my baby....My heart is broken and it will never be whole again. So I may just die of a broken heart...but oh well because there is no fixing it so I hope people just don't even try...Nothing you can say or do will make anything right because he's not here! I'm glad organ donation saves lives, but ya know what about the lives it doesn't save, what about the ones who still die after they get a transplant? Or how about the ones who never make it because there's a shortage because no one wants to donate their organs...So some days I have mixed feelings about it all.. Put yourself in my position and you'd understand..or maybe you wouldn't because this situation hurts too much to even imagine it.

One more month....

It's almost been 4 months now since Kayden went to Heaven. Each day that passes I think it just gets harder. As the holidays come I KNOW it's getting harder. Our family always did a lot around the holidays. My mom cooked big Thanksgiving dinners and as we got older it slowly got a little smaller but still BIG lol. Christmas time we always had decorations and lots of presents and a big tree decorated in every spot with ornaments we made in school and things we bought. As we got older our stuff disappeared slowly and when I had kids we got ornaments for them. Kayden has 2 because a friend of mine bought him one and we also bought him one. Sadly this Kayden will be represented with another ornament with his name & dates and also we got a Mator ornament and a Spongebob ornament to represent our big man. Ya know I just don't know if some doctors realize that when they don't do the best they can and it shows that if something bad happens that the parents and a family has to live the rest of their life without a child or a parent or whoever because one doctor made a wrong decision or because a doctor didn't feel like testing for something. I'm sure some people may think I'm looking for reasons and answers. But no I'm not. I can understand I've accepted Kayden will not come back no matter how much I cry no matter how much I beg, he's gone. Kayden is gone to Heaven forever he'll never be back here on Earth. But I just didn't feel comfortable with the doctors this time at the hospital. I think it was a wrong move to take him off the carvedilol and I think the kidney doctor didn't do shit because all he did was listen to Kayden and say 'give him more fluids'....The green vomit no one was testing they just didn't think it was a problem. So yes I think the doctors really  screwed up this time. And because they made wrong decisions and were concerned about everything else except his heart I have to live the rest of my life without my son and my other kids will live the rest of theirs without their brother. Isaiah won't even know his brother. And that alone bothers me. Not to mention I found out the other day from another mom her other daughter has dilated cardiomyopathy she found out last month, her older daughter had a transplant a couple years ago. She also told me it's recommended that the siblings be screened yearly for DCM. No one ever told me this. Her younger daughter had a normal screening at birth and at a year old....I had a fetal echo done with the boys so I know then they were fine but what about now? That's scary. Alexis has never been checked because I obviously couldn't see the future that Kayden would have a heart condition. Soo at Isaiah's one year check up I'll be asking his pediatrician his opinion...Until the next time I feel like venting, enjoy your days & spend time and cherish every second with your family ♥

It's almost Halloween!!

AHH I hate scary movies. I really don't like Halloween that much. I mean I love it for the kids but the scary stuff is a big fat NOPE for me lol. I guess that's where Kayden got it from. Geez I can't believe it's already freaking almost November. I'm learning to live with the pain of not having my baby here. It's horrible but the more I think about it since it's getting cold. At least he doesn't have to worry about getting sick. His little immune system was crap. I felt so bad I told him today good thing he wasn't out in this mess because he'd for sure have ear infections and be in the hospital (if he wasn't already). The sad part is Kayden would most likely still be waiting for his heart transplant. This makes me sad. It makes me sad to see other kids in their Spongebob costumes because that's what Kayden was going to be this year. I was even gunna bring it to the hospital to let him dress up. I hate he isn't here to have fun. I still have flashbacks of him on Halloween last year and the year before. I can still feel myself with him and the way he felt. I miss holding him, I miss kissing him, I miss hugging him, I miss talking to him, I miss EVERYTHING about him. My heart hurts. I feel the ache in my heart. I do dread Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I know the first ones without him will be hardest. But Kayden was so easy to buy for at Christmas and it's going to be HELL for me not to get him nothing. Last Thanksgiving Kayden & I were at UVA and my mom and brother brought us Thanksgiving dinner. It hurts to think of him not being here now. One minute his heart was beating and the next it wasn't...This isn't fair I wish I could go back and change everything and have him here with me...Kinda selfish huh because hey, he is in a better place and he IS happy and healthy. There is no sadness in Heaven, so he doesn't miss me, he's just waiting for me and he comforts me when I'm sad. All I can say is wait for me Kayden, everyday is one more closer to you baby ♥

Nightmares & Fairytales

Nightmares come true so why can't fairytales? I mean really, we have serial killers walking our streets, child molesters and rapists. We have cancers and heart problems, kids dying, parents dying. ETC ETC ETC....But where is prince charming and where are the princess' and the castles with the white horses and where the hell is the HAPPY ENDING? I was thinking about this today because I've had another bad day. Not just missing Kayden but everything. I mean how freaking sad. My credit card is a payment of $15 and I didn't even have it in my bank account to pay it today because transfers haven't went through..That is ridiculous first time in 6 months it'll be late. I hope once I explain to them why I don't have it until tomorrow they will understand. Most places have worked with me. Cox our cable company..well they've pissed me off a few times not working with me as soon as we get caught up we are switching...I don't want to give ass holes my money when they can't work with us in hard times. I've got a few extra expenses right not that normal families do not have.

I feel like I'm walking through a tunnel that just never ends and it's dark and I can't find the freaking light. This is just a nightmare. Probably worse. My baby isn't here and I miss him so much it literally hurts and aches. I am so thankful for the friends and family I have that have been there to support me. A few have been there for me through my darkest hours and will continue to be there...Maybe one day fairytales will come true...but for now I've got to find a way out of this freaking nightmare that's sucking me in further ♥

breakdown #1,000,000,000,000++++

I feel like ripping my freaking head off right now. I swear when it rains it pours, I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a cat 5 hurricane plus....It NEVER ends. I don't see any sunshine in sight either. I don't want my business out there like that because I know how much people like to run their mouth. One day I hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know God will never give us more than we can handle. But then again, I hope he didn't think Kayden was too much for me. He wasn't I would have done anything to have him here with me. I wish I could take his place. Sometimes it's still so unreal, I expect to see him walk out of his room or yell at me to get him more chips. I swear I feel like I'm going crazy some days. And half the time I have to hold everything in just to keep myself together through the day. I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore. I've practically shut myself away from EVERYONE except a few people. I'm sick to my stomach almost daily with all the stress on me. You know I know Kayden's gone, I know he is NEVER coming back. But sometimes I just want to sit somewhere for hours just to think about all the times we had together and just cry until I can't anymore and I can't do that. I can't because it rips me apart and I want to go grab him and give him a huge hug. And theres nothing I can do, and sometimes I can feel him around me I guess trying to comfort me. Surely he understands why I feel this way, I know there is no sadness in Heaven only happiness. But surely he now understands I'm human so it's normal I feel like this. I'll be so glad when the day comes I see my big man again. I would do anything just to go back in time. I keep going back to the last time I spent with him alive, I gave him a kiss and said love you bubby I'll see you in a few days. Little did I know right? I love music, I always have but anymore all it does is make me cry. I can't listen to anything anymore really. Some days I'm okay but most of the time I can't and anything that reminds me of Kayden I can't listen to it. I just have no idea what to do anymore. Night time is the worst. That's when my mind starts racing and everything hits me at once and it's so overwhelming.  I can honestly say I can almost see why people kill their selves after losing a child, because the pain never stops, NEVER. No I'll never kill myself because for one I don't have the balls to do it and number 2 because if I do I'll really never see Kayden again and 3 because Kayden would be so ashamed & I couldn't leave my other kids without a mommy. So no one has to worry about me going anywhere until it's my time to go. Anyways. Enough with this breakdown. I got a good cry out writing this and thinking of my baby boy and how much I wish I had him here to hold on to. So until the next breakdown, have a good night ♥

Sweet Dreams little man ♥

I woke up this morning in tears. I had been dreaming about Kayden. This was the second one since he passed away, but this was longer and made me so happy to see & play with him. We were playing and having fun he was so happy, then we were in the hospital and I was crying and yelling at the doctors about everything that I still am so confused about. And I told them now I have to live the rest of my life without my baby because they were unsure. It felt so real, I could feel the tears running down my face one at a time and as one fell more followed. But it was so amazing seeing him and talking and playing with him. It's been almost 3 months since I've seen that sweet face. It's been longer than that since I've heard his cute little voice. My heart still aches my arms want to feel him and hold him. It'll be a good day but at the same time it'll be hard, because my dream wasn't reality. I'll never feel Kayden or hear Kayden again in this lifetime. You may say I'm crazy, but all I have to say is no I just lost my child, so if that makes me crazy so be it. But I've been seriously thinking okay so NO I WANT to and I am going to when we get tax money back to talk with a psychic medium. I haven't found one yet but I'm going to. I NEED to somehow be close to Kayden and connect with him. And no amount of doctors or crazy medicine is going to make this better. The only thing that will attempt to make me heal is to somehow 'hear' Kayden. And if that's what it takes so be it, I am crazy and I'll embrace the title. Lose your child and see how you feel and the things you want to do. Because yes I do want to be the best freaking person I can be so I do go to Heaven and will walk beside my son again. People don't understand what we feel like after we lose our kids. I know I couldn't relate to any of my friends who had lost their kid. So I don't expect anyone to understand, all I do know is if you say anything be a little considerate of our feelings. If you have something to say that you think may bother us...JUST DON'T SAY IT!

Everyday for the rest of my life..

I hate nights like tonight. I just want to curl up in a ball go to a corner and die. The pain is so horrible and sometimes feels unbearable. I can't control my tears they just keep coming. I wish I could have my baby back. I don't understand why these things happen. I never will. Kayden was and is MINE why couldn't he stay? It's NOT FAIR! You got drug addicts out here who have their healthy kids and here I am wanting mine back. I hate you CHDs I really really REALLY HATE YOU!! You killed my son and now I have to live the rest of my life like this. I can't even begin to explain how much I miss him or how I feel. I just know I have no clue how I'm gunna do this the rest of my life. I hate to think of how many years I have ahead of me without my baby boy, the tears just keep falling kind of like a waterfall too or like running water that won't turn off no matter how hard you try. My heart aches, my arms are empty they want him so bad. I want to feel his touch, I can still smell him when I go in his room somedays. It kills me that he isn't there and he will never be there again no matter what I say or do. Not many people understand that or can imagine how it feels to lose something that can never be replaced. People say I'm stong, no not really. You have no clue how I'm shattered I am inside. I'll never be whole, I'll never be fixed, I'll NEVER be me again. It's like a nightmare that I can't get out of...WHEN WILL IT END?!?!?!??!!!!!!!!