Struggles Make us Stronger

Today we took the toys to UVa that I've been getting from different people and buying myself. We did this to honor Kayden for his 4th birthday which is tomorrow (December 21). I was nervous about it, because I didn't know what to expect going into the PICU. I mean that's the last place I saw my son alive, it's the last place I heard his voice, the last place I held him, laid with him, and felt the warmth of his skin....when he was warm..not joking either if you have a heart kid you understand. So on the way I was feeling all kinds of ways but something came to me, the quote 'life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain". Kayden taught me that this quote is TRUE!! I mean I did not realize that until today, Kayden did not wait until the storm was over but he enjoyed his life even though he was sick, he was strong, he was an inspiration, he always was my inspiration from the first second I laid eyes on that handsome little baby....For every struggle we face, we will ALWAYS come out stronger, because we are still standing. Anyways, when we got there we took the stuff to the volunteer office & met up with the social worker who is amazing and was SO much help to me & Kayden while he was sick. I always got to see the transplant nurse Sara, she is so amazing. She always answered any questions I had and left my mind at ease when I would worry. Seeing her almost made me cry but I didn't so I was proud!! First we went up to the 7th floor and took a bag of toys to each tree on the Peds floor. Then it was time for the PICU....that was scary but I wanted to and I NEEDED to go in there. I had to. So I took some and put them under the tree and left the rest in the bags for the nurses to wrap..lol I hope they have fun it was a lot!! Then I got to go visit a baby who's mom I met while Kayden was in the hospital...She is also a heart baby who is fighting. She is strong and she's proven those doctors wrong just like Kayden use to, she was in the room right next to Kayden....it was hard to walk by the room and not have the flash back of the night I walked in and my mom was holding my child's lifeless body....I hated that part...but I remembered what I was doing there...I was there to make these kids Christmas better, to make them smile even if only for 5 minutes!! I want them to enjoy the toys they get because for some it could be their last. Kayden's last gift from the hospital was a puppy pillow pet, which is on his bed ♥ When we were finished I felt good, I felt a sense of peace come over me. I think it's what I needed to help me move forward. I have to admit I have been blocking some of it out to not remember that night...but I know I have to face it to bring myself peace. It was hard seeing his nurses, but they remembered he loved Spongebob when they seen the matchbox cars that were Spongebob. Kayden was such a loveable little boy, yes he did have his days and if he didn't like you well there really was no changing that lol. But EVERYONE who met him loved that baby. There was something about him. I think Kayden was truly an Angel sent down to Heaven. When I had my first ultrasound with him, Kayden wasn't there, kinda like wherever he was in this world he just wasn't done yet so he had to finish before he came to me...2 weeks later I go back and there he is....On the way home, the clouds were freaking breathtaking. They seriously looked like Angel wings with Heaven shining through....They were so beautiful, I wish I got a picture for you guys but I was driving lol. I am so glad that Kayden's life will touch so many now. They may not know him, but I know that because of him is why I did this, I know that there is a child in Charlottesville tonight or tomorrow that will have a toy we brought, that would not be there if Kayden were never here. 

Kayden touched us all in many ways, me as his mom. I am SO proud of it, I am proud to say Kayden James Barnes is my son, I am proud to tell people how hard that baby fought through every surgery he went through, how he took the IV's, blood draws, meds, xrays, etc like a little champ. I love my son, I will ALWAYS love my son and today I hope I made him proud of me like I am of him. This helped me I think I'll be able to get through his birthday tomorrow and through Christmas by knowing my little man's life is finally starting to make a difference for others ♥ I plan on doing this every year for his birthday & I'm going to hopefully soon be helping out more with just the heart families as well ♥ 

As I bring this to an end tonight, I hope you all have read this and I hope it has helped you realize what is important over the holidays and not just now, but all year. Our family, that's what matters....Don't worry about your struggles, don't stress over it because they will make you stronger always...Dance in the storm because sooner or later it'll come to an end, so enjoy every second of it. I'm so glad I made everything as close to normal as I could for my little man ♥

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY KAYDEN JAMES!!!

Not ready for this week...

This week is going to be hard and it's already started..I wasn't ready for it like I thought. My best friends mom passed away last week on December 14. Today was her funeral. I thought I'd be okay but who was I fooling? It was the first funeral since Kayden's, she passed exactly 5 months after him & she was like a mom to me. I practically lived at their house growing up. Her mom was a wonderful person and very strong. She too lost a son, the year before me & Krystle met. I said a few words today and I broke down, it was hard but I'm glad I got something out. Her mom was a great woman and I have a ton of respect for her. I have to be happy for her though she is reunited with her son who she's lived without and missed for many years.
Tomorrow we are taking toys to UVa's PICU in Kayden's memory for his 4th birthday..This is going to be hard there is no way around it. It's the last place I saw my baby alive, it's the last place I heard him talk and held him close. I miss that little face, I miss his smell, I miss his voice, I miss his touch...One thing I've learned is not all things heal with time. They just don't and this is one thing. It will NOT get better, this is the rest of my life right here and I have to try and make the best of it for my other kids' sake.
Kayden's birthday is Wednesday and we will be releasing 4 balloons for him and a wish lantern. I feel like a shitty mom because I haven't bought 1 present, 1 decoration...NOTHING. I should be having a birthday party for my little 4 year old. It's still hard to believe sometimes, but I remember quickly as it's in my face everyday that he is no longer here. I love & miss him more than you could imagine  ♥

Venting...

Oh I'm so sorry Misty, let me know if there is anything I can do for you!! Even if it's to watch your kids I will!!! Well that's what I heard 5 months ago when Kayden passed away...WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU NOW? Oh so it's been 5 months I should be over it right? Or I shouldn't need anyone to watch Kayden's brothers so I can do to class and finish my degree so I can attempt to start some kind of life and have some stability for them....Yea thats what I thought there is NO ONE...People say shit at the time because that's what everyone else is doing and that's the 'right' thing to do...Well ya know I don't want to hear it unless you freakin mean it....Funny I have a few select people who still check on us to be sure we are ok...Most of them have lost a child too! My mom is the ONLY one in my family who tries to help me anymore, but she has a bitch of a general manager so therefore she can't get off the 2 mornings I go to school...And if I found someone next week, too bad I will not go next week because I'm taking the toys to UVa to REMEMBER MY SON and his birthday is next Wednesday and I will NOT do anything that day except things to remember him. I'm so tired of people not helping me so, I will not be helping any of them anymore!! So now on to my second plan, I'll go to CNA classes when we get our tax refund which will be a 7 week program in the evenings.....That way my mom can watch them and I won't have to find anyone....All I have to say is NO ONE better ask me to help them again....It's ashame when your own family can't even help you anymore, that just shows this world is really getting extremely bad.

Christmas Parade, Ballerines, Birthday Parties & so on...

It's been a little over a week since I've said anything so let me catch you all up. So we went to the Christmas Parade Dec 2. It was okay, I've seen better ones here in Salem. I was glad that Kayden got to see a great one last year, they had so many pretty floats last year..This year it seemed like more people were walking and not many decorations...Tavion of course wanted to run around like he was crazy and got aggravated sitting there. So my mom took him behind us in the grass so he could run around..Then Isaiah got fussy towards the end so I chilled behind everyone with my mom and Tavion lol.

This is Kayden last year at the parade ♥

Alexis had her ballet Christmas show, they did so good! She loves dancing. Again I think last years was better but it was still cute!! She got to be an elf in it & did so good! I'm so proud of how well she's done and this is her second year!! We are thinking about putting her in voice, she LOVES to sing and gets mad at me for not recording her lol. I'm not sure if I want to wait another year or go ahead and do it...I guess we'll see. I'm super excited for their recital in May she'll get to do tap & ballet!!

Lexi after the recital ♥

ISAIAH IS ONE!!!! Okay so technically not yet, BUT we had his first birthday party and had a lot of fun!! Sad Kayden wasn't physically here to help blow out the candle or help Isaiah open his presents! But we know his spirit was here!!! He loved his baby Saiah!! We all got cake in the face except my mom and sister..Go figure lol!! I got it up my nose and I think it's still screwed up because of it...Alexis had it in her ear, Tavion has blue hair & Isaiah got it shoved in his face along with Lyndsee lol!! My sister has all the real good pictures of it because my camera died...go figure I've got the worse luck in the world..

OH AND ISAIAH GOT HIS FIRST HAIR CUT!!! lol

Anyways, Kayden's birthday party was going to be this weekend on the 17th....My heart is aching this week and next and probably the rest of  2011...Let's just say this year has officially been named THE WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE. Instead of lighting 4 candles on a cake, or opening birthday presents & eating cake and ice cream this weekend...I'll be going through toys organizing them to take to the hospital the day before his birthday in his memory!!! So far we've got a good amount I'm so happy, I was worried about how many we would have but we're doing good and still have some to get thanks to those who've sent money through PayPal!! Everyone who donated is an Angel on Earth, they are amazing people for helping remember my son!! On Kayden's birthday we'll be doing a balloon release blue & yellow, Spongebob theme like his party was going to be ♥ I miss that youngin and I will never stop!! I go through the stores and say OMG I bet Kayden would have loved that...I'll probably be doing it 20 years from now...like the moon on the wall I seen at Wal-Mart last night..Kayden would have LOVED it!! He loved the moon I can still here him saying. Night night moon ♥

I'll end this blog with Kayman's moon song so whenever you read this today or tonight, when you see the moon next you will remember Kayden even if it's only for a moment ♥

I see the moon and the moon sees me

The moon sees somebody I want to see

So God bless the moon and God bless me

And God bless the somebody I want to see.

December be nice.

Gosh I can't believe it's already December. I still feel like I'm stuck in July sometimes. I guess that feeling will fade with time. It's scary & hard to move forward but it's oh so dangerous to look back. So tonight was the Christmas parade, I was disappointed because it wasn't as good as previous years. I'm glad Kayden got to see all the awesomeness in it last year lol. I missed him terribly tonight but I'm sure he was there probably sitting on top of the firetruck with Santa lol. Tavion was a little brat but what else is new right? lol the girls had fun of course, especially Santa ♥ Life is so easy when you're young. Sunday is Lexi's Christmas show I'm so excited to watch them, those girls really work hard!! I'll try to get pictures of it to share! Some times they don't turn out very well.

Anyways, December is a busy month for us, Isaiah will be 1 on the 16th, his birthday party is next week as I had planned months ago & Kayden's was going to be the 17th because his 4th birthday is on the 21st. I'm still taking new toy donations for the toy drive I'm doing for the PICU at UVa. I'm a little disappointed because I haven't gotten many and a lot of people said they'd send toys. So since I'm doing this in his MEMORY I'm sure some of you may see why it's disappointing and upsetting to me. We're also doing a balloon release on his birthday for him so if you'd like to release a balloon for Kayden on his birthday the theme is yellow & light blue for Spongebob!!!  Christmas will be hard this year so I'm trying to get the tears out now, I've cried every night the last few days. I miss that little face and his little voice. I have to listen to his videos some days because I miss him sooo much and just want to hear him. When I hear that voice it will make it better some days, but others it makes it worse.

One thing I've seen lately, a lot of people don't want to hear a word Angel mommies have to say with their experience...or maybe it's just Kayden 's & my experience. I'm tempted to just delete everyone no my facebook except my Angel moms & people I know personally. I mean I loved hearing the experience of our CHD Angel's because something that happened to them I tried to be sure our doctors didn't do the same..unless it was absolutely needed. I don't know, maybe they mean nothing by it by not responding to what we say...but maybe they should at least acknowledge when we speak so we don't feel like we're being ignored. My son faught his hardest and I hate saying he was weak so I say Kayden was tired so he went to sleep, he was FAR from weak so I dare someone to say that. I guess we'll see how it goes, if people do keep ignoring what I have to say when it comes to suggestions, or experiences then I will be deleting people from my facebook. I don't need them if they don't want to acknowledge my son was alive and my son did experience similar situations. Happy Holidays everyone! I hope they treat us all well especially my Angel mommies ♥

Happy Thanksgiving..a little late

So I'm a little late but who cares? I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving surrounded by friends and family or whoever you spent it with. We had a good day..considering. I have many things to be thankful for. This year I helped mom cook for the first time ever lol. Lexi helped too, she was soo excited to eat turkey lol. She still hasn't stopped eating it lol..When we were almost done, me, mom and the kids went to the cemetery to visit Kayden. I figured everyone would go since it was a holiday but I was wrong, no one else went. But oh well, I guess they didn't feel like they should. Kayden was and is still a part of this family and I think some people forget that. It's his holidays too even if he isn't here with us. We acknowledge the other kids on holidays so therefore Kayden should be acknowledged too. I mean geez he hasn't even been gone 6 months and this is the first holiday without him. It was hard to do but I had to celebrate the holiday for the other kids just like I will Christmas. After yesterday I definitely don't expect people to go on his birthday or Christmas. I'll expect me, mom and the kids and that's all. If everyone else thinks they should go then they will but I won't ask and I won't make anyone. Anyways, who's ready for Christmas? I'm not LOL. I haven't started any shopping at all not even for Isaiah's birthday who will be 1 here in a few weeks AHHH!! Lexi's Christmas Show is next Saturday so I'm excited to go to it! We were going to take Kayden this year, so I'm sad he won't be there. I've been trying to get old pictures from my myspace page to put on facebook, I've got so many pictures. I'm glad I captured those precious memories I will hold them in my heart forever ♥

Lemme see if I can do this

I hope I get through this with no tears. So it's the night before the Congenital Heart Walk 2011 which will be in Richmond, VA. Technically this is the first thing I've done since Kayden's been gone to honor him. He was such a sweet boy. Kayden was always full of life, he taught me and my family a lot of valuable lessons about life. I now think I can face anything even if I'm doing it alone...technically I will never be alone. Kayden will always be around, he was such a special little boy who made the world a better place because he was here even if it was for a short time. I was so afraid when I had Kayden, I remember being scared of how I'd react to him because I never seen a cleft lip/palate which I wasn't upset because of it I just was afraid of it whether it was bad or not so bad....Turns out once I saw his sweet little face, I looked passed everything and saw my sweet innocent baby boy who was born into this awful cruel world. Kayden had a presence very distinct. You could ALWAYS know when he was around or in a room. He made my life worth living(so do the other kids), but Kayden was different. Everyday I didn't know what was ahead of us. I learned to live in the moment, one day at a time. I took things slowly because with him you couldn't rush anything. I've never been a very patient person but with him, I learned to be. I finally came to a conclusion tonight about the holidays coming. Yea they are right here on top of us and yes I will be decorating and I will be celebrating it for my little ones. I can't say it will be harder because, yea it's a holiday but it's just like any other day. So I can't miss him more on Thanksgiving or Christmas than I do today. I miss him every second of everyday of my life and the holidays will be no different. Yea it will be weird without him but I can't say harder because every day is hard with out him here. His birthday on the other hand that might be a struggle because that's HIS day and it will always be so I'm sure people will get sick of me talking about him all day on December 21. But hey, we all talk about our kids..am I suppose to just forget Kayden existed? NOPE never not a chance...and I don't care if it means watching spongebob all day long on his birthday and doing his balloon release..I will. I live with the most awful pain anyone could ever have, I've lost my child, I lost the baby I carried inside for 9 months, I lost a beautiful person who I created I watched him grow for 4 years(including the pregnancy). I will never forget the first time I held him, or his first step, or his first word. But also I will never forget his first surgery, the first time he got discharged from a hospital which was the NICU, I will never ever forget the day I was told my son was in congestive heart failure, I'll never forget while he was getting his x-ray before heading to the PICU, I was pregnant and couldn't be with him so my mom was, he was crying he hated people messing with him and I sat in the room waiting for him and broke down in tears scared to death of what was ahead of us. I will never forget the day of his first cath that he wouldn't survive a valve replacement and probably not a valve repair either. I will never forget them telling me 'his heart's barely pumping enough blood to his body for him to survive'. I will NEVER forget the first and only open heart surgery. I almost broke down before walking out of the room I left him in for him to go to the OR. I broke down as I turned around...I cried the whole time through the surgery almost. I will never forget the wonderful news that my son done wonderful, after he came off bypass his heart took right over...I will never forget when Kayden had to be admitted on June 14, 2011 for him to be evaluated for transplant. I will never forget that last month I had with my son. I will never forget the phone call I got at around 1:30ish am I will never forget my mom telling me 'you need to get up here, we're losing him' I will NEVER forget the phone call I got after we were headed to Charlottesville, the one NO parent should ever get when I heard the words 'he's gone'. I will NEVER forget holding my son and laying with my son the very last time ever. I will never forget laying my son to rest for eternity. I will NEVER forget how strong Kayden was and I will always be proud of him, I'll always remind his sister and his brothers how brave their brother was.