Stumbling in the dark.

I've needed to blog for a few weeks now. My heart has been heavy the last couple weeks. The strength I felt once has been taken from me again. Or maybe I've lost it? I don't really know. I just know that in the last week and a half, people I thought gave a crap really could care less. I'm so tired of people trying to make things harder on me. 

When I lost Kayden, I wanted my life to be as little complicated as possible. Not because Kayden made it complicated, but because I missed that life, and just didn't want things to get so horrible that it made me so upset I'd cry every day or night because I missed my life. Things were good, I was going to work coming home, or getting the kids to whatever it may be. Then BAM one thing happens and people start bitching and telling me a bunch of bullshit. So here I am with complications, sorry I can't really say what it is that's going on, but it's aggravating. I thought this person who caused the complication understood and would work with me a bit better. But nooo. Now I'm to the point, I don't want to even try, I'm too tired to even think sometimes, it's just so easy for me to give up, can't they see this & when they make this crap complicated that's all I wanna do. The reason I fought for so long is gone, he's no longer here. My only reason for breathing at the moment, Alexis, Tavion & Isaiah. That's the ONLY reason I'm still here, if not I would have crawled in a corner and died. 

Then on top of all of this, the other day I noticed Tavion's preauricular pit(like Kayden had) was red. A couple of days later, I saw it draining. It was clear so I wasn't too concerned. But you guys can imagine the way I felt, MY STOMACH FELL TO THE FLOOR. I got all the nasty stuff out and it scabbed over & now it's a little red. So we will see. If it drains again I will be taking him to get antibiotics and letting them know all about it since we've got a new pediatrician. I just don't really wanna go down that road again, it was a pain lol. Poor Kayden, his cyst kept coming back and staying infected. & it hurts them when you have to squeeze the nasty out. So HOPEFULLY Tavion's won't be too big of a problem, I know it's simple but please remember him in your prayers and it stays away.

I just feel like someone's turned the lights off on me again, and I'm falling back into my dark hole. I talk to hardly anyone anymore, which is tough. Talking to people is what helps me get through my days. & now all I wanna do is just cry. I MISS MY LIFE. I MISS MY SON. What do you do, how do I get back out of this dark place? I once thought I had it all, I had EVERYTHING. I just don't remember how to get out of the dark, I don't have many people to talk to anymore. Who's going to be there when I let go & fall, I can't hold on much longer?

Catch Up.

It's been over a month since I've blogged. I'm slacking. December was just been super busy, Lexi's Christmas show, Isaiah's birthday last month, Kayden's toy donation & Christmas. Everything went well. Isaiah got his cake through Icing Smiles, it was Thomas the Train and it was adorable!!! My laptop is broken =[ so I haven't gotten to send them the pictures which I feel awful about. It's hard to believe Isaiah is 2 years old. When Kayden passed, Isaiah was only 7 months old. It's hard on me because Kayden loved Isaiah, he was so good with him & it breaks my heart Isaiah won't know his brother, only pictures and things we tell him. I hope he cherishes those pictures of he & Kayden.

We did the toy donation for the second year for Kayden's birthday. It went well, and it was good seeing the nurses who played a huge role in Kayden's life. & our cardiac social worker, she was there also & our cardiology nurse. It's bittersweet going into the PICU & seeing the room where I last held my son, or last saw him alive. My heart is still shattered, it's still piecing the pieces where he belongs. The doctors and nurses who took care of him, I hope they know how much they mean to our family. I'm so glad the kids had a good Christmas in the hospital with all the toys we brought, & alot of it's because Kayden's life. It makes me smile knowing his life has touched so many families, even if they don't know.

Christmas around here was good, it was still sad missing Kayden. It's one of the hardest things in the world to wake up on Christmas morning or any holiday and missing one of your children. There isn't anything worse. I miss him. There is no changing that, I think of him and speak of him everyday. He's still my life. I miss taking care of him, hospital stays even the stress it put on me. I still miss just being there with him. When I see his pictures and scroll through them, I can still remember being there & in a strange way I think a part of me is still in that time zone. I can close my eyes and just remember every second of it. 

I have been working a lot the last month and it's not going to be ending anytime soon. I'll try better to keep up with my blog this year! My goal's for the year are to get Kayden's Kause a non profit organization & to get our Roanoke Mended Little Hearts group together. Hopefully I can do this soon between working and the kids!! Enjoy some pictures from December ♥

Lexi's Christmas Show 2012

Isaiah's Birthday

Kayden's Toy Donation to UVa

Kayden's 5th Birthday balloon release

Christmas 2012

Missing piece.

Geez lately I've been having awful days. Struggling to get through them. I miss my little man so much. Each day it gets closer to Kayden's 5th birthday and if you ever remember playing tug a war as a child, and pulling the rope back trying to stand your ground but the other people keep pulling you and you slide towards them...That's how I feel. I feel as if someone keeps pulling me towards these days, and I'm trying my best to just stand still or go backwards. I don't want another birthday to come and he not be here to celebrate, I don't want another Christmas to come without him....This Friday, Tavion will be the same age Kayden was on July 14, 2011. My heart is sinking. I miss Kayden more than anything ever. I can't help but remember how our days were in the hospital and how he was content even being there. We would be watching tv or doing puzzles, coloring...Something to always keep him busy. I hate it when people tell me at least you know he's better off...So what I do know that...but some days that just isn't enough. Some days all I want is to hold my son, to be there with him, kissing his forehead saying it's okay...I just wonder what it felt like for them to come and say WE'VE GOT A HEART! God how I prayed for those words to come out of their mouths. I never expected Misty get here we are losing him, they're getting the crash cart. I will never forget that night the rest of my life. Some days though, I feel him as close to me as he was while he was still here. Some times it's like he never even left. But other days, my heart hurts and my chest physically hurts. My arms ache to hold him, I can't watch Mickey Mouse still because that just was Kayden's show. No one else liked it until he started watching it. So Mickey isn't allowed...It hurts when people get hot wheels for my other boys. Kayden loved his cars, so it secretly breaks my heart and makes me want to cry. 

All I want in life is happiness. I wonder if I'll ever find it again. Or will it come when I'm finally with my sweet boy again? I'm missing a piece to my puzzle, it'll never be complete. My heart will always be broken and half of it will always be in Heaven. So how can I ever find true happiness? Seems like something always happens to let me down.

Live & Learn.

I would apologize for this post being long but I'm not going to. I've done enough apologizing in my lifetime for a few people.

I must say this, do NOT judge ones path if you have not walked in their shoes. Do not push people aside when they need you the most. Do not brush what they say under the table because it could be their last words. I've been having a hard time the last few weeks, just dealing with a lot. I'm trying to push myself back up the mountain to get myself half way up or even just above the ground...

To those who may not know this, I was with my ex from the time I was 16 until 2009, which of course we still were seeing each other because I got pregnant with Isaiah in 2010. Well after finding out he had gotten married I was done with him, he still lied to me about it of course. He'd say anything just to keep me around, but I wised up thank God. I do give credit to Kayden for that strength to push me through those hard months following and accepting things as they were. During the relationship with him, it was good at first, as all relationships are. He did cheat on me right when we first got together and I did almost just say forget it then, but if I did I wouldn't have my 4 amazing children. So I decided we can try this thing again, things were so good for awhile, we got pregnant in December 2004, at my appt in February, we found out our first baby had no heart beat, I was around 9 weeks and lost the baby March 1, 2005. I was 17 when I lost my first child. Things were going good and unexpectedly for me, he says we tried but I don't think we did lol but I got pregnant with our second child in May. Scared just didn't cover how I felt. I didn't want to lose another baby, plus I almost had no blood pressure at the hospital when I miscarried because I lost so much blood. I barely remember a lot from that, I remember they carried me to my sisters car because I couldn't walk I was so light headed and couldn't stop crying, I walked down the hall and fell in a room half way to the garage. I kept going in and out on the way to the hospital, I do remember them talking to me trying to keep me awake. they got me out and put me in the wheel chair at the hospital. It was so crazy. But anyways back to the second pregnancy. At the first appointment, everything was good, I still didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy until I was about 3 months. After that I knew we'd be okay to tell people. Things were still great with me and my ex. We found out we were having a girl at about 4 months pregnant! We were super excited, went out and bought her first pair of shoes, pink & white reeboks. Things went well with the delivery and everything. Lexi was born Alexis Sky Barnes on February 9, 2006 at 2 am. She was beautiful, we were so happy. I was happy. In December, I found out my ex had been cheating on me, I had suspected it since I went back to work in September 2006. I did in fact find out he had been cheating on me since about October. I made him leave in January 2007, of course his lies started a few months before and he told me he loved me, he was sorry, and he wanted to come home. Of course I believed him, I loved him, he was the father of my child. We had lost a baby. I still loved him even after cheating on me. A few months passed and we were good. Until I found out she was pregnant. He denied it was his baby and he was going to have a paternity test done. By this time I was pregnant again with our second child. At my first appointment with baby #2, the baby wasn't there but my doctor said I was definitely pregnant and wanted me to come back in a couple of weeks. I was scared to death, I thought omg not again. I did not want to lose another baby. At the next appointment there baby #2 was with a strong heartbeat. We never explained where the baby was at the first appointment. When I was 4 months pregnant, I went in and found out we were having a baby boy!! YAY, a boy finally, 1 boy and 1 girl. I was excited. I also found more out, we saw the baby looked like he had a cleft lip. They wanted to be positive so referred me to a different clinic. There it was confirmed and said chances are the baby would have a cleft palate as well, but there is more, they noticed something about the babys heart and referred me to a peds cardiologist. That confirmed my son's heart was enlarged and had a leaky valve. Diagnosis was dilated cardiomyopathy & ebstein's anomaly. What to expect, we had no idea. Oxygen at birth, ventilator at birth, nothing possibly at birth. When I told my ex about all of this, he denied my child. I could not believe. He said the baby wasn't his because none of that ran in his family. I told him, mine either but he was still my baby. In September, the girl he was seeing had her baby. They went to court had the test done, it came back..his baby. Go figure. December 21, 2007 Kayden James Barnes was born at 1:24am. He was 4 weeks early. He was strong from the moment he came out, he did need oxygen for the first few days. I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on my beautiful baby boy. He was my first born son and I couldn't ask for more in my first son. He was gorgeous. As they pushed the incubator over to me before taking him to the NICU, Kayden was holding his oxygen mask with no help. Only minutes old and holding his own mask. If that's not strong, I don't know what is. Kayden was there for 2 weeks after he was born, and my ex, well he left again before Kayden even came home from the hospital. He only went to see Kayden once the whole 2 weeks and that was the day I came home from the hospital. We ended up going to court and he did have a paternity test done, go figure this one, he is the father. WOW. Is it a surprise? No....Anyways we kept this up for awhile he was back and forth between me and her, she'd be pregnant then I would. Of course he'd tell me all hers weren't his but then again I'm sure he told her the same thing. She had another child in December 2008, I had Tavion May 13, 2009. We finally broke up for good a week before Thanksgiving 2009. He kept telling me he loved me and he was gunna come home, kept saying she was making him stay there and bullshit. Of course I still loved him and believed everything he would feed me. I got pregnant with Isaiah in April 2010...In June a friend of mine called me and said she had saw the girl my ex was seeing and she was pregnant again and also she had told her that they had got married. Of course my ex lied to me and said it wasn't true. I called and sure enough they got married in December 2009. I don't know what I really felt at that point. I was furious. If I had known, I would not have gotten pregnant, I would have left him alone months ago. I was just so angry at myself for believing everything. In July 2010, Kayden went into heart failure. My strength, the one who kept me sane and helped me through so much was sick. His father couldn't be reached. I basically did go through that myself other than my mom. She was a huge help through all this with Kayden.

During this relationship, we would fight, me and my ex would have some good ones, he threw my phone against a wall once, he never would hit me though, just yell and put me down...I was a bitch and so many other things. He didn't like my friends so I stopped keeping in touch with them & if I dared talked to a male, I was screwing them..or he thought. Little did he know out of basically 6 years, I did not cheat on him. He still doesn't believe me to this day but it's ok. What's done is done. We can't go back and change a thing. I learned and we are way past the point of being a family...

As months went on Kayden was getting sicker, he always kept on smiling though. I  think Kayden held on for us. He knew how much he held this family together even at only 3 years old. He was the rock of our family. Kayden rocked his open heart surgery, he recovered so well from it. We were all so excited, he was gunna be okay. We knew transplant was in our future but didn't expect it for a few years. When he got sick again it knocked us down again. But the strength I got from my son, kept me going. I was fighting for him & with him. Anything I had to do, I was gunna do it. Whether it was placing an NG tube, or checking sats at 2am, or cleaning up his puke from his feeds at 4am...pediasure coming up is the worst smell in the world..just so ya know. Taking a trip to the emergency room at midnight, praying he would not be admitted but knowing deep in my heart he would be. Falling to my knees at 1:30am on July 14, 2011 praying to God to keep my son here with us. Praying he would be okay and stay with us long enough for me to get to Charlottesville. Praying and saying Kayden please baby stay with us, please bubby. I'm coming sweet man. Never losing hope even after I get the phone call an hour later saying 'he's gone, we lost him'....I dropped the phone in the floor of my brothers car crying and screaming why, why, why bubby. Why did you take him, Why Kayden? WHY?!

So I ask you, what is LOVE? Is there a meaning? Is love what I felt and had for my ex, who abused me emotionally, who constantly lied to me...Or is LOVE what we feel for our children? Love, is suppose to be good not bad. Love is suppose to never fail us. My love for Kayden never failed, I still love him with all of my heart and every inch of my body. Half of my heart went with Kayden the morning he went to Heaven. Maybe I did love my ex for sometime, but that love failed, I couldn't put up with it anymore. Even now, 16 months later, I would do anything for Kayden. I do what  I can to keep his memory alive, I do what I can to help my other children remember him....

In 3 years, I've never tried having a relationship with another man. Mostly because I haven't had time especially with bubby being so sick. It was not one of my priorities. It still really isn't. Though I always said if the opportunity came along, I wouldn't push it away. Soo, when the opportunity came along, someone willing to take a chance on this fucked up heart of mine, the heart that has been shattered and pieced back together, one that's missing half of it. I did try and I liked this person, a lot actually. I was actually beginning to be happy with life again, with the exception of missing my son. But then boom, he knocks me down the mountain that I have been trying so hard to climb up for 16 months, but I wasn't down all the way, a couple days later, I find out my grandma is doing really bad, so we go to SC to visit her. She's so weak and sick, she couldn't talk to us, she looked at us but I don't think she really saw us. I don't know, kind of the look Kayden gave us the days before he passed. My grandma ended up passing away November 7. This with the things that also happened have knocked me down my mountain and I feel like I've almost hit rock bottom again. I can feel the walls closing around me, shutting people out once again. I feel the darkness coming over my head again. The tears fall every night almost once again, probably every other night because some times I'm too exhausted to even bother. I try to pull myself up but I don't feel the strength to go. My strength has faded away I feel like. What do you do at this point? Thanksgiving is coming up, Christmas is coming, Kayden's birthday is coming, Tavion will be the same age as Kayden when he passed a week before Kayden's 17 month Angelversary....WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'VE BEEN KNOCKED DOWN AND FEEL YOUR STRENGTH HAS GONE? So many tell me, Misty you are so strong, you are an inspiration to so many..But really. I don't feel that anymore, I can't keep going, I want to fall in the floor and lay there until I'm with my son. Where do you find happiness again? I don't want to look for it, but any more I feel like I'm not suppose to be happy. Why would all this be thrown at me, God doesn't give us more than we can handle? I do not believe that much anymore, because he keeps throwing so much at me at one time. I don't feel like I have many people to talk to about any of this, either they get annoyed hearing the same stuff over and over again, or they just push it in one ear and out the other. I don't know where to turn anymore. Where do I find the strength, because the one who gave me strength to keep going is in Heaven.

So you see, I've been through so much that I don't have it in me to hate, I don't have it in me get angry and stay angry. I've been through the worst thing any one could go through...losing their child. I've held an Angel, I held him hours after he passed and laid with him as I cried. You see I don't want you to feel bad for me or feel sorry for me. I'm not crazy, I've been broken in pieces, but if that's what you call crazy, I've got good reasons for it...All I ask is be there for me, help me stand up, because I need that. I need people around me to help me to keep going. All I ask is. Don't give up on me..even when I push you away.

The old me, happy and loving my life. One who didn't know what true sadness was.

The new me. The one who's been shattered and pieced together..half way.

Words that define me.

I've been through a lot in the last 5 years of my life. From the time I found out Kayden was going to be born with health conditions all the way up to losing him and this week losing my grandma. I would say I have a reason to be a little crazy at times. I also have the right to love and care about people no matter how they treat me. I can forgive. I may not always forget, I may be sweet but I also can be bitchy. I'm sensitive, I cry at the drop of a hat, I've always been that way but worse since I lost Kayden. I am in love with love. I can't wait until the day I find love again. The love I have for my children is amazing and knowing they love me makes my day ♥ I do feel like I've went crazy this week, I keep feeling a very heavy weight on my chest, I'm sure it's anxiety about my grandma's service...same funeral home and she's being buried next to my grandpa, and Kayden's on the other side of him. My heart will sink when I walk into the funeral home I'm sure. As it will when we go to the cemetery and walk the path to those little chairs. I've walked that path over 730 times, that's twice a day, once there and once back to the car. I could do it in my sleep, but I know as I walk and see the chairs and tent there over my son's grave, my heart will once again hit the ground. I keep having flash backs and keep seeing him laying their in his casket at the funeral home. I miss my little love...I want this to be an awful nightmare and wake up and Kayden be curled up next to me. I wish my life could go in reverse so I could have my son. I don't care about nothing else from my past except for him. I just want my baby back. I want the people in my life now to know Kayden, not just through pictures, videos and from what I tell them. Sometimes I feel people get bored with me always mentioning him or telling them stories about him...but he is my child, he always will be.....I reposted a picture with this on it today. It describes me. Every bit of it. 

The most beautiful people we have known,

are those who have known defeat, known suffering,

known struggle, known loss, and have found their way.

Out of the depths, these people have an appreciation, a sensitivity,

and an understanding of life thaht fills them with compassion,

gentleness, and a deep loving concern. 

Beautiful people...do not just happen.

Depression.

What is it? I don't know but I feel like it's following me around the last few days. I feel pissed off at the world and can't shake it. I don't know what's wrong with me but I wish it would go away. I wish I could disappear and stay gone for awhile. What do you do when everything you once knew is taken from you? I just need some direction anymore. My heart is hurting. My head hurts and I'm confused. I built myself up after losing Kayden it has taken me this long and I'm still  not even a quarter of the way up the mountain and people keep throwing me back down. I can't take it emotionally. I shouldn't have ever let myself get emotionally involved in ANYTHING. That's my first fuck up right there.

I use to know where I wanted to be and I was happy with all 4 of my kids by myself. Standing there talking to Kayden today, I had a feeling come over me that was just this is my life, this is where I want to be right there with him. I don't want to be anywhere else. I miss him so much I just wish I could have him back it's not fair. I can't shake this feeling. It seems like EVERYTHING goes wrong all at one time. Last year after I lost Kayden, I disconnected myself from everyone, crawled in a hole and stayed gone all day just so I didn't have to go home to the empty bed he should be in, I could see him everywhere I looked, on the couch, in the bed, walking down the hall sayin 'get me'. I miss him. I just miss him and there is nothing that will make it better unless I'm with him. I'm torn though, between this world and him because I've got to be here for my other children. But half of my heart is with Kayden. I look back to blogs I wrote while Kayden was here and they make me cry because I was so blessed, and I remember feeling those feelings and I miss them. I'm still blessed but damn it I WANT MY CHILD BACK. It's not ever gunna be right again in my life..And for people to take advantage of me it just makes me wanna fucking vomit. Sorry for the horrible language but I had to get it out.

Hopefully you're having a better day than me.

Inspiration.

Who is your inspiration? I mean who truly inspires you to do the things you do or be a better person. We all have that one person who you turn to when you need some uplifting. Mine is Kayden, he's my greatest inspiration, he's the one who has made me become a better person..I am completely different than I was 5 years ago. He's the reason I want to raise CHD Awareness, he is the reason I want to help other heart families during their time of need. He is the one I talk to when I'm down and can't get out of the dark places. Kayden may be my baby and he may not be here with us but he is who I turn to when I need to make my day brighter. To be honest, before I had him, I never thought about inspiration, or things like that. Now I can almost choose the right words for every single situation and day. I find those words by making the best out of a tragedy. Losing my son was the worst thing ever in this world I'll ever have to deal with. But I've tried looking at it as something good coming out of it, Kayden's been in the news all around the world during CHD Awareness week, I will keep working my ass off for it to happen again, I have been slacking when it comes to my Mended Little Hearts group in Roanoke, I've had a lot on me that last few months. But my goal is to have it complete and chartered by Spring.

The last few days have been hard on our family. My grandma is getting really bad and will be joining Kayden and my grandpa any day now I'm pretty sure. They took her to the hospital the other day she was unresponsive, her oxygen was low and her heart rate was everywhere...They've sent her home on hospice, and letting nature takes it's course. She's not opening her eyes or talking. She can still swallow so that's good. I'll keep you guys updated on her as the days pass. But it's refreshing the pain of losing Kayden, the days before and the days after. This is what my grandma wants though, she's waited for it. She wants to be with our Lord and my grandpa. I know Kayden and my grandpa will be waiting on her, they are getting her spot ready, and when she finally opens her eyes on the other side, she will be where she's wanted to be for the last 13 years. Please keep our family in your prayers..

On the other hand, I've been finding myself thinking about this certain someone lately. I'm afraid to get my emotions involved because I'm afraid of being hurt again. I'm also afraid the kids' dad will be an even bigger asshole...So I don't know what really to do with that. I've been single for the last 3 years, so it'll be good to have someone there again, but this time this person seems like a very awesome person and doesn't seem to be a douche bag...like the ones I normally attract. I don't know I guess time will only tell where this goes. God will point me in the right direction, I know.