Wow it's been forever...

Wow so it's been over a year or right at a year since I have been able to do this...I'm so glad I finally got a new laptop and internet!! My laptop broke last March or April sometime I don't know what it's done, then my internet screwed up so I disconnected it and then my desktop broke! UGH so my luck got worse lol!! All I had to connect with any one was my phone which wasn't the best but now I'm up to technology again and got a new laptop, internet and a new iPhone! LOL!! So much has happened in the last year!! So to recap, Kayden's second Angelversary was last July, very sad sad day but we made it through by remembering him and honoring his sweet legacy. Alexis started second grade in September, Tavion started his last year in preschool in August and Isaiah started his FIRST year of preschool in December after he turned 3!! Isaiah's third birthday was bittersweet, if you remember he was just 7 months old when Kayden passed and now Isaiah is the age his brother was and will soon be the age Kayden was when he passed! Kayden's 6th birthday was December 21 and we did the third toy donation to UVa Children's Hospital! We had an amazing amount of donations this year! I was so amazed at the generosity of so many people this year!! I greatly appreciate it as always!!

I also started going back to church last year, which has been a great experience I have been growing SO much with my relationship with God and I can feel myself changing and it is just an amazing feeling when you have that connection with the Lord. Things that always bothered me before just don't seem so bad or I look at things in a different perspective now. I have an awesome Pastor and his family is amazing, my church family has also been a great help in my healing and grief!! Losing Kayden was and still remains the hardest thing in my life. I don't think I will ever fully be healed but I will keep walking I WILL keep his memory alive, Kayden left a legacy behind to be such a little fella and I am SO proud to say I AM Kayden James Barnes' mommy! That is the most amazing title I will ever have and it is a title I will wear proud for the rest of my life! My son was and is a HERO he fought every day of his life but every day he fought with a smile on his face, giving high fives and thumbs up!!

I also reconnected with my dad last Spring, the kids got to meet him, it was great! My dad wasn't there much as I was a child, he was in and out and drank a lot!! Though when I was young REALLY young I remember going to work with him and loved it!! Stopping at a convenient store so he could get his coffee lol! Unfortunately, I also lost my dad recently at that, 2 days after my 26th birthday. My dad passed away at the age of 61 February 5, 2014.

And last but certainly NOT least, we will be welcoming our RAINBOW baby into the world in August 2014!! That's right, I'm pregnant again lol! It was unexpected and I was more surprised than anyone I believe but it's a miracle, it's a sign of hope and will test me as I wasn't sure if I wanted another child after Kayden went to Heaven. All I know is God has sent me another precious gift and I will accept what is given to me. This will be my last, I plan on getting my tubes tied! Hopefully it's a little girl for my sake and Lexi lol! Either way I hope he or she is healthy and if God has other plans, then hey you all know I'll face it and I'll accept it and take every single challenge head on as I always have!! I'm a fighter, I don't back down, and I NEVER give up.

I'm so glad I could catch you all up and look forward to continuing to get my blog back on track and hopefully inspiring or helping another grieving mom or at that maybe just any parent who needs some inspiration..I take on a lot in this life but I take everything and I still keep going, I have a boyfriend now yes, he watches the kids so I can work but that means he isn't working. I not only work 35-40 hours at my job, I also raise 3 kids and am pregnant, go to college this term 2 days a week & have an internship which I will be working 12 hours per week for the next 10 weeks. Which after the 10 weeks is over I will be done and completed my ASSOCIATES DEGREE WOO HOOO!!! So next time you don't think you can handle something, step back and say YES I can do this, I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to. Never give up. & that is where I will leave it at this time <3 Have a blessed night <3

Without you.

2 years ago today, I left my son in a room for doctors to take him back for surgery. I kissed him and told him how much I loved him & everything would be okay. I walked away, outside of the room, I broke down in tears, sobbing, scared to death that was the last time I would see him. Many times his cardiologist told us if his heart ever stopped it would be hard to resuscitate him. This morning I woke up at 8:00, which was about the time they took him in for surgery. I left him in the room at 7:30. Then I woke back up at 9:30, they stopped his heart and put him on bypass at 9:25. That was one of the scariest times of my life, knowing his heart wasn't beating and his blood was being ran through machines. I remember looking out the window when I got that update, looked to the sky and prayed hard, I couldn't talk much, I just wanted to pray. I got tears in my eyes the whole time. It's a tough pill to swallow when you get an update like that even when you know that's what they have to do in order to make his heart get better. There isn't a cure for congenital heart defects, only treatments...

I never wanted to live in a world without him. I didn't think I would be forced to do that either....I have flashbacks and miss it all so much. I miss him. It's just not fair that there is nothing I can do to help him now. Do you understand what it's like to be helpless when it's your child? I know some of you know what I mean because you walk this road, or you're on the journey with a child who has a special heart. I wish I could change how things happened. I hate this month though because it just means in 4 months it'll be 2 years since my son took his last breath. The months after his surgery were probably his hardest, well April was, May was pretty good for the most part. Then we come to June, that's when he went to UVA and put on the transplant list. Then we know where we are with July.....I hate how fast all this comes at me because it's so close together. Cherish every moment with your babies, because you never know what the next minute will bring you ♥

Changes

We all go through changes. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard. I think most of the time it's hard. You can sit here and say through your whole life you've never changed. But you have. It's nothing to be ashamed of it's a part of life. I've done a lot of changing and I'm only 25. Before I had my kids I was hell on my mom, I feel bad for it now but I was a child. I thought I was invincible and nothing could touch me. When I had Alexis I was 18 years old and I was scared to death of this little person who I carried inside of me for 9 months. I didn't think it was possible to be afraid of someone that little. She saved me I believe. When I found out about Kayden's health conditions I changed again. I was terrified not just scared. I was terrified at the what ifs. When I had him and saw he was going to be okay it was s relief. But as he went on with life, through his surgeries and doctor visits, I did more changing. I got stronger, I felt like I could almost face anything but I had new fears as well. I feared for his life, I was so afraid every time he had a surgery. When he overcome his cleft repairs and his heart hadn't got sick, I was relieved, I thought things were going to be okay. When Kayden went in heart failure, my life flipped upside down, I had no idea what to do, no idea what to think....My fear of losing him came back, but I knew I had to hide that and had to be strong for him. Everything Kayden went through I stood by him it made me a better person, it got my priorities straight. When I lost Kayden, the old me died. Now I am someone else...I am a bereaved mother, I have lost one beautiful life I brought into this world. He was so innocent, he was just a baby. No mother should have to bury their child, in this life and my plans, I was the first to go...not him. Kayden was an amazing little boy who fought each battle courageously and with so much strength, he gave me hope. To this day I have that hope, I feel his strength and courage everywhere I go. I made that promise to my son that I would never give up on him, so I fight for his journey to be shared, I fight for our Angels without a voice, I spread the awareness for Congenital Heart Defects & how important it is to become an Organ Donor. A donor could have saved Kayden's life.

We all think about the present time without our children and that hurts enough, but what about the future? I was thinking the other day about Alexis and the boys. How it will effect them. Alexis talks about how she wishes Kayden never would have passed away and how she misses him. Alexis & Kayden are the oldest, there will be things as she grows she will wish he was there doing with her. My heart hurts thinking about when she graduates from high school and I take pictures of her and her brothers and of just her, because I won't have that picture of her and her first brother. My heart hurts thinking of that.....Then we have the boys. Kayden is their older brother, they should have him to look up to as they grow. There will be things that Tavion & Isaiah should be learning from Kayden. I think it'll be hard for both of them, because Tavion will not have his older brother to look up to or to go to when he needs something. Tavion has to be the role model for Isaiah. Kayden would have been an awesome role model as he grew. Just at 3 he was already such an inspiration & such a well mannered little boy. My heart hurts everyday and I'm broken inside. But through it all I continue to change, I am trying not to forget who I am. And sometimes I get lost in life but I will not forget who I am ♥

Stumbling in the dark.

I've needed to blog for a few weeks now. My heart has been heavy the last couple weeks. The strength I felt once has been taken from me again. Or maybe I've lost it? I don't really know. I just know that in the last week and a half, people I thought gave a crap really could care less. I'm so tired of people trying to make things harder on me. 

When I lost Kayden, I wanted my life to be as little complicated as possible. Not because Kayden made it complicated, but because I missed that life, and just didn't want things to get so horrible that it made me so upset I'd cry every day or night because I missed my life. Things were good, I was going to work coming home, or getting the kids to whatever it may be. Then BAM one thing happens and people start bitching and telling me a bunch of bullshit. So here I am with complications, sorry I can't really say what it is that's going on, but it's aggravating. I thought this person who caused the complication understood and would work with me a bit better. But nooo. Now I'm to the point, I don't want to even try, I'm too tired to even think sometimes, it's just so easy for me to give up, can't they see this & when they make this crap complicated that's all I wanna do. The reason I fought for so long is gone, he's no longer here. My only reason for breathing at the moment, Alexis, Tavion & Isaiah. That's the ONLY reason I'm still here, if not I would have crawled in a corner and died. 

Then on top of all of this, the other day I noticed Tavion's preauricular pit(like Kayden had) was red. A couple of days later, I saw it draining. It was clear so I wasn't too concerned. But you guys can imagine the way I felt, MY STOMACH FELL TO THE FLOOR. I got all the nasty stuff out and it scabbed over & now it's a little red. So we will see. If it drains again I will be taking him to get antibiotics and letting them know all about it since we've got a new pediatrician. I just don't really wanna go down that road again, it was a pain lol. Poor Kayden, his cyst kept coming back and staying infected. & it hurts them when you have to squeeze the nasty out. So HOPEFULLY Tavion's won't be too big of a problem, I know it's simple but please remember him in your prayers and it stays away.

I just feel like someone's turned the lights off on me again, and I'm falling back into my dark hole. I talk to hardly anyone anymore, which is tough. Talking to people is what helps me get through my days. & now all I wanna do is just cry. I MISS MY LIFE. I MISS MY SON. What do you do, how do I get back out of this dark place? I once thought I had it all, I had EVERYTHING. I just don't remember how to get out of the dark, I don't have many people to talk to anymore. Who's going to be there when I let go & fall, I can't hold on much longer?

Catch Up.

It's been over a month since I've blogged. I'm slacking. December was just been super busy, Lexi's Christmas show, Isaiah's birthday last month, Kayden's toy donation & Christmas. Everything went well. Isaiah got his cake through Icing Smiles, it was Thomas the Train and it was adorable!!! My laptop is broken =[ so I haven't gotten to send them the pictures which I feel awful about. It's hard to believe Isaiah is 2 years old. When Kayden passed, Isaiah was only 7 months old. It's hard on me because Kayden loved Isaiah, he was so good with him & it breaks my heart Isaiah won't know his brother, only pictures and things we tell him. I hope he cherishes those pictures of he & Kayden.

We did the toy donation for the second year for Kayden's birthday. It went well, and it was good seeing the nurses who played a huge role in Kayden's life. & our cardiac social worker, she was there also & our cardiology nurse. It's bittersweet going into the PICU & seeing the room where I last held my son, or last saw him alive. My heart is still shattered, it's still piecing the pieces where he belongs. The doctors and nurses who took care of him, I hope they know how much they mean to our family. I'm so glad the kids had a good Christmas in the hospital with all the toys we brought, & alot of it's because Kayden's life. It makes me smile knowing his life has touched so many families, even if they don't know.

Christmas around here was good, it was still sad missing Kayden. It's one of the hardest things in the world to wake up on Christmas morning or any holiday and missing one of your children. There isn't anything worse. I miss him. There is no changing that, I think of him and speak of him everyday. He's still my life. I miss taking care of him, hospital stays even the stress it put on me. I still miss just being there with him. When I see his pictures and scroll through them, I can still remember being there & in a strange way I think a part of me is still in that time zone. I can close my eyes and just remember every second of it. 

I have been working a lot the last month and it's not going to be ending anytime soon. I'll try better to keep up with my blog this year! My goal's for the year are to get Kayden's Kause a non profit organization & to get our Roanoke Mended Little Hearts group together. Hopefully I can do this soon between working and the kids!! Enjoy some pictures from December ♥

Lexi's Christmas Show 2012

Isaiah's Birthday

Kayden's Toy Donation to UVa

Kayden's 5th Birthday balloon release

Christmas 2012

Missing piece.

Geez lately I've been having awful days. Struggling to get through them. I miss my little man so much. Each day it gets closer to Kayden's 5th birthday and if you ever remember playing tug a war as a child, and pulling the rope back trying to stand your ground but the other people keep pulling you and you slide towards them...That's how I feel. I feel as if someone keeps pulling me towards these days, and I'm trying my best to just stand still or go backwards. I don't want another birthday to come and he not be here to celebrate, I don't want another Christmas to come without him....This Friday, Tavion will be the same age Kayden was on July 14, 2011. My heart is sinking. I miss Kayden more than anything ever. I can't help but remember how our days were in the hospital and how he was content even being there. We would be watching tv or doing puzzles, coloring...Something to always keep him busy. I hate it when people tell me at least you know he's better off...So what I do know that...but some days that just isn't enough. Some days all I want is to hold my son, to be there with him, kissing his forehead saying it's okay...I just wonder what it felt like for them to come and say WE'VE GOT A HEART! God how I prayed for those words to come out of their mouths. I never expected Misty get here we are losing him, they're getting the crash cart. I will never forget that night the rest of my life. Some days though, I feel him as close to me as he was while he was still here. Some times it's like he never even left. But other days, my heart hurts and my chest physically hurts. My arms ache to hold him, I can't watch Mickey Mouse still because that just was Kayden's show. No one else liked it until he started watching it. So Mickey isn't allowed...It hurts when people get hot wheels for my other boys. Kayden loved his cars, so it secretly breaks my heart and makes me want to cry. 

All I want in life is happiness. I wonder if I'll ever find it again. Or will it come when I'm finally with my sweet boy again? I'm missing a piece to my puzzle, it'll never be complete. My heart will always be broken and half of it will always be in Heaven. So how can I ever find true happiness? Seems like something always happens to let me down.

Live & Learn.

I would apologize for this post being long but I'm not going to. I've done enough apologizing in my lifetime for a few people.

I must say this, do NOT judge ones path if you have not walked in their shoes. Do not push people aside when they need you the most. Do not brush what they say under the table because it could be their last words. I've been having a hard time the last few weeks, just dealing with a lot. I'm trying to push myself back up the mountain to get myself half way up or even just above the ground...

To those who may not know this, I was with my ex from the time I was 16 until 2009, which of course we still were seeing each other because I got pregnant with Isaiah in 2010. Well after finding out he had gotten married I was done with him, he still lied to me about it of course. He'd say anything just to keep me around, but I wised up thank God. I do give credit to Kayden for that strength to push me through those hard months following and accepting things as they were. During the relationship with him, it was good at first, as all relationships are. He did cheat on me right when we first got together and I did almost just say forget it then, but if I did I wouldn't have my 4 amazing children. So I decided we can try this thing again, things were so good for awhile, we got pregnant in December 2004, at my appt in February, we found out our first baby had no heart beat, I was around 9 weeks and lost the baby March 1, 2005. I was 17 when I lost my first child. Things were going good and unexpectedly for me, he says we tried but I don't think we did lol but I got pregnant with our second child in May. Scared just didn't cover how I felt. I didn't want to lose another baby, plus I almost had no blood pressure at the hospital when I miscarried because I lost so much blood. I barely remember a lot from that, I remember they carried me to my sisters car because I couldn't walk I was so light headed and couldn't stop crying, I walked down the hall and fell in a room half way to the garage. I kept going in and out on the way to the hospital, I do remember them talking to me trying to keep me awake. they got me out and put me in the wheel chair at the hospital. It was so crazy. But anyways back to the second pregnancy. At the first appointment, everything was good, I still didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy until I was about 3 months. After that I knew we'd be okay to tell people. Things were still great with me and my ex. We found out we were having a girl at about 4 months pregnant! We were super excited, went out and bought her first pair of shoes, pink & white reeboks. Things went well with the delivery and everything. Lexi was born Alexis Sky Barnes on February 9, 2006 at 2 am. She was beautiful, we were so happy. I was happy. In December, I found out my ex had been cheating on me, I had suspected it since I went back to work in September 2006. I did in fact find out he had been cheating on me since about October. I made him leave in January 2007, of course his lies started a few months before and he told me he loved me, he was sorry, and he wanted to come home. Of course I believed him, I loved him, he was the father of my child. We had lost a baby. I still loved him even after cheating on me. A few months passed and we were good. Until I found out she was pregnant. He denied it was his baby and he was going to have a paternity test done. By this time I was pregnant again with our second child. At my first appointment with baby #2, the baby wasn't there but my doctor said I was definitely pregnant and wanted me to come back in a couple of weeks. I was scared to death, I thought omg not again. I did not want to lose another baby. At the next appointment there baby #2 was with a strong heartbeat. We never explained where the baby was at the first appointment. When I was 4 months pregnant, I went in and found out we were having a baby boy!! YAY, a boy finally, 1 boy and 1 girl. I was excited. I also found more out, we saw the baby looked like he had a cleft lip. They wanted to be positive so referred me to a different clinic. There it was confirmed and said chances are the baby would have a cleft palate as well, but there is more, they noticed something about the babys heart and referred me to a peds cardiologist. That confirmed my son's heart was enlarged and had a leaky valve. Diagnosis was dilated cardiomyopathy & ebstein's anomaly. What to expect, we had no idea. Oxygen at birth, ventilator at birth, nothing possibly at birth. When I told my ex about all of this, he denied my child. I could not believe. He said the baby wasn't his because none of that ran in his family. I told him, mine either but he was still my baby. In September, the girl he was seeing had her baby. They went to court had the test done, it came back..his baby. Go figure. December 21, 2007 Kayden James Barnes was born at 1:24am. He was 4 weeks early. He was strong from the moment he came out, he did need oxygen for the first few days. I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on my beautiful baby boy. He was my first born son and I couldn't ask for more in my first son. He was gorgeous. As they pushed the incubator over to me before taking him to the NICU, Kayden was holding his oxygen mask with no help. Only minutes old and holding his own mask. If that's not strong, I don't know what is. Kayden was there for 2 weeks after he was born, and my ex, well he left again before Kayden even came home from the hospital. He only went to see Kayden once the whole 2 weeks and that was the day I came home from the hospital. We ended up going to court and he did have a paternity test done, go figure this one, he is the father. WOW. Is it a surprise? No....Anyways we kept this up for awhile he was back and forth between me and her, she'd be pregnant then I would. Of course he'd tell me all hers weren't his but then again I'm sure he told her the same thing. She had another child in December 2008, I had Tavion May 13, 2009. We finally broke up for good a week before Thanksgiving 2009. He kept telling me he loved me and he was gunna come home, kept saying she was making him stay there and bullshit. Of course I still loved him and believed everything he would feed me. I got pregnant with Isaiah in April 2010...In June a friend of mine called me and said she had saw the girl my ex was seeing and she was pregnant again and also she had told her that they had got married. Of course my ex lied to me and said it wasn't true. I called and sure enough they got married in December 2009. I don't know what I really felt at that point. I was furious. If I had known, I would not have gotten pregnant, I would have left him alone months ago. I was just so angry at myself for believing everything. In July 2010, Kayden went into heart failure. My strength, the one who kept me sane and helped me through so much was sick. His father couldn't be reached. I basically did go through that myself other than my mom. She was a huge help through all this with Kayden.

During this relationship, we would fight, me and my ex would have some good ones, he threw my phone against a wall once, he never would hit me though, just yell and put me down...I was a bitch and so many other things. He didn't like my friends so I stopped keeping in touch with them & if I dared talked to a male, I was screwing them..or he thought. Little did he know out of basically 6 years, I did not cheat on him. He still doesn't believe me to this day but it's ok. What's done is done. We can't go back and change a thing. I learned and we are way past the point of being a family...

As months went on Kayden was getting sicker, he always kept on smiling though. I  think Kayden held on for us. He knew how much he held this family together even at only 3 years old. He was the rock of our family. Kayden rocked his open heart surgery, he recovered so well from it. We were all so excited, he was gunna be okay. We knew transplant was in our future but didn't expect it for a few years. When he got sick again it knocked us down again. But the strength I got from my son, kept me going. I was fighting for him & with him. Anything I had to do, I was gunna do it. Whether it was placing an NG tube, or checking sats at 2am, or cleaning up his puke from his feeds at 4am...pediasure coming up is the worst smell in the world..just so ya know. Taking a trip to the emergency room at midnight, praying he would not be admitted but knowing deep in my heart he would be. Falling to my knees at 1:30am on July 14, 2011 praying to God to keep my son here with us. Praying he would be okay and stay with us long enough for me to get to Charlottesville. Praying and saying Kayden please baby stay with us, please bubby. I'm coming sweet man. Never losing hope even after I get the phone call an hour later saying 'he's gone, we lost him'....I dropped the phone in the floor of my brothers car crying and screaming why, why, why bubby. Why did you take him, Why Kayden? WHY?!

So I ask you, what is LOVE? Is there a meaning? Is love what I felt and had for my ex, who abused me emotionally, who constantly lied to me...Or is LOVE what we feel for our children? Love, is suppose to be good not bad. Love is suppose to never fail us. My love for Kayden never failed, I still love him with all of my heart and every inch of my body. Half of my heart went with Kayden the morning he went to Heaven. Maybe I did love my ex for sometime, but that love failed, I couldn't put up with it anymore. Even now, 16 months later, I would do anything for Kayden. I do what  I can to keep his memory alive, I do what I can to help my other children remember him....

In 3 years, I've never tried having a relationship with another man. Mostly because I haven't had time especially with bubby being so sick. It was not one of my priorities. It still really isn't. Though I always said if the opportunity came along, I wouldn't push it away. Soo, when the opportunity came along, someone willing to take a chance on this fucked up heart of mine, the heart that has been shattered and pieced back together, one that's missing half of it. I did try and I liked this person, a lot actually. I was actually beginning to be happy with life again, with the exception of missing my son. But then boom, he knocks me down the mountain that I have been trying so hard to climb up for 16 months, but I wasn't down all the way, a couple days later, I find out my grandma is doing really bad, so we go to SC to visit her. She's so weak and sick, she couldn't talk to us, she looked at us but I don't think she really saw us. I don't know, kind of the look Kayden gave us the days before he passed. My grandma ended up passing away November 7. This with the things that also happened have knocked me down my mountain and I feel like I've almost hit rock bottom again. I can feel the walls closing around me, shutting people out once again. I feel the darkness coming over my head again. The tears fall every night almost once again, probably every other night because some times I'm too exhausted to even bother. I try to pull myself up but I don't feel the strength to go. My strength has faded away I feel like. What do you do at this point? Thanksgiving is coming up, Christmas is coming, Kayden's birthday is coming, Tavion will be the same age as Kayden when he passed a week before Kayden's 17 month Angelversary....WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'VE BEEN KNOCKED DOWN AND FEEL YOUR STRENGTH HAS GONE? So many tell me, Misty you are so strong, you are an inspiration to so many..But really. I don't feel that anymore, I can't keep going, I want to fall in the floor and lay there until I'm with my son. Where do you find happiness again? I don't want to look for it, but any more I feel like I'm not suppose to be happy. Why would all this be thrown at me, God doesn't give us more than we can handle? I do not believe that much anymore, because he keeps throwing so much at me at one time. I don't feel like I have many people to talk to about any of this, either they get annoyed hearing the same stuff over and over again, or they just push it in one ear and out the other. I don't know where to turn anymore. Where do I find the strength, because the one who gave me strength to keep going is in Heaven.

So you see, I've been through so much that I don't have it in me to hate, I don't have it in me get angry and stay angry. I've been through the worst thing any one could go through...losing their child. I've held an Angel, I held him hours after he passed and laid with him as I cried. You see I don't want you to feel bad for me or feel sorry for me. I'm not crazy, I've been broken in pieces, but if that's what you call crazy, I've got good reasons for it...All I ask is be there for me, help me stand up, because I need that. I need people around me to help me to keep going. All I ask is. Don't give up on me..even when I push you away.

The old me, happy and loving my life. One who didn't know what true sadness was.

The new me. The one who's been shattered and pieced together..half way.