I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Wow it's been forever...

Wow so it's been over a year or right at a year since I have been able to do this...I'm so glad I finally got a new laptop and internet!! My laptop broke last March or April sometime I don't know what it's done, then my internet screwed up so I disconnected it and then my desktop broke! UGH so my luck got worse lol!! All I had to connect with any one was my phone which wasn't the best but now I'm up to technology again and got a new laptop, internet and a new iPhone! LOL!! So much has happened in the last year!! So to recap, Kayden's second Angelversary was last July, very sad sad day but we made it through by remembering him and honoring his sweet legacy. Alexis started second grade in September, Tavion started his last year in preschool in August and Isaiah started his FIRST year of preschool in December after he turned 3!! Isaiah's third birthday was bittersweet, if you remember he was just 7 months old when Kayden passed and now Isaiah is the age his brother was and will soon be the age Kayden was when he passed! Kayden's 6th birthday was December 21 and we did the third toy donation to UVa Children's Hospital! We had an amazing amount of donations this year! I was so amazed at the generosity of so many people this year!! I greatly appreciate it as always!!

I also started going back to church last year, which has been a great experience I have been growing SO much with my relationship with God and I can feel myself changing and it is just an amazing feeling when you have that connection with the Lord. Things that always bothered me before just don't seem so bad or I look at things in a different perspective now. I have an awesome Pastor and his family is amazing, my church family has also been a great help in my healing and grief!! Losing Kayden was and still remains the hardest thing in my life. I don't think I will ever fully be healed but I will keep walking I WILL keep his memory alive, Kayden left a legacy behind to be such a little fella and I am SO proud to say I AM Kayden James Barnes' mommy! That is the most amazing title I will ever have and it is a title I will wear proud for the rest of my life! My son was and is a HERO he fought every day of his life but every day he fought with a smile on his face, giving high fives and thumbs up!!

I also reconnected with my dad last Spring, the kids got to meet him, it was great! My dad wasn't there much as I was a child, he was in and out and drank a lot!! Though when I was young REALLY young I remember going to work with him and loved it!! Stopping at a convenient store so he could get his coffee lol! Unfortunately, I also lost my dad recently at that, 2 days after my 26th birthday. My dad passed away at the age of 61 February 5, 2014.

And last but certainly NOT least, we will be welcoming our RAINBOW baby into the world in August 2014!! That's right, I'm pregnant again lol! It was unexpected and I was more surprised than anyone I believe but it's a miracle, it's a sign of hope and will test me as I wasn't sure if I wanted another child after Kayden went to Heaven. All I know is God has sent me another precious gift and I will accept what is given to me. This will be my last, I plan on getting my tubes tied! Hopefully it's a little girl for my sake and Lexi lol! Either way I hope he or she is healthy and if God has other plans, then hey you all know I'll face it and I'll accept it and take every single challenge head on as I always have!! I'm a fighter, I don't back down, and I NEVER give up.

I'm so glad I could catch you all up and look forward to continuing to get my blog back on track and hopefully inspiring or helping another grieving mom or at that maybe just any parent who needs some inspiration..I take on a lot in this life but I take everything and I still keep going, I have a boyfriend now yes, he watches the kids so I can work but that means he isn't working. I not only work 35-40 hours at my job, I also raise 3 kids and am pregnant, go to college this term 2 days a week & have an internship which I will be working 12 hours per week for the next 10 weeks. Which after the 10 weeks is over I will be done and completed my ASSOCIATES DEGREE WOO HOOO!!! So next time you don't think you can handle something, step back and say YES I can do this, I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to. Never give up. & that is where I will leave it at this time <3 Have a blessed night <3