I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

All I've ever wanted..

Ever since I became a mom I have always wanted the best for my kids...as we all do. I became a mom to an Angel baby March 1, 2005 and two months later I got pregnant with Alexis, she made me a mommy to a beautiful little baby girl. Now that beautiful baby girl is a beautiful little girl and I'm mama lol no more mommy. In December of 2007 I became a mom again to a handsome baby boy, though he wasn't completely healthy, he was perfect to me. That is when my life took a drastic change. I never knew what I was made of until I took care of that child. I then became a mom again in May 2009 and December 2010!
My kids are my life and God knows I would do anything for them. I have people who are starting to get in the way of this which is really aggravating and frustrating me. I don't understand why people must push people back from doing what they can.

So here I am once again still trying to find my place in this world. I know I'm not where I want to be...Ever since I lost Kayden, I've wanted nothing but to help families and make his memorial fund a success but I've at the same time got to provide for the other kids so it seems like everything is just falling apart. I want to help these families that are going through so much of what I had to go through 3 short years ago...These next few months are so hard for me, they were Kayden's last months of life and after June and July it gets worse, because those months after I lost him...those months were living hell. I don't remember much from those months they were a blur. Finally I started getting out in the world again trying to put one foot in front of the other and trying to move forward with my kids and Kayden as an Angel. But now it seems people don't like seeing me doing okay so they have to see what they can do to make my life miserable and knock me down...So I'm at a standstill again, not sure which way to go. Because I am so tired of making wrong choices and choosing the wrong direction.....I just want to sit right where I'm at and stay don't move forward..if anything I want to go back.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Wandering around this world...

Sometimes I feel like I'm just wandering around not sure of where I'm going or who I'm going with. I keep fighting and screaming to get where I need but no one hears me and no one sees me. I feel like I give my heart away too easily, the last time I did I got hurt in the end because of lies, and no trust...All we did was argue..Now here I am 19 weeks pregnant with a precious baby boy and he has no interest at all. So I will be raising one more on my own. I keep asking myself what is God's plan for me..really? What is it? I am a single mom of soon 5 and I have basically a dead end job that's worthless and I hate going into it every day. I couldn't finish school because of babysitting issues and no time for my kids. So I'm attempting a bachelors online as soon as they get my transcripts. So maybe this will work out I don't know. I recently well about a month ago started talking to an old friend of mine well a guy I was talking to a couple years ago. He's pretty awesome, has a good head on his shoulders, he is older and he isn't a kid like what I've been chasing. He actually knows how to treat a woman. So maybe this works out, I am really feeling him and hope he is me. I don't know we just talk and hang out he's fun! I enjoy his company and the kids like him a lot! I just don't know where this will end up. I'm afraid it'll end up the same way as everything else in my life. But I'm afraid to try or give more because not sure if it'll be worth it...IF you ask me yea he is worth it, he's a good man. But ugh I've been hurt so many times in my past that I can't stand another heart break..I'm a complicated person, I've been bent and broken and ripped apart from the inside out and outside in. Had the most precious thing taken from me and still trying to deal with it. I've had a crazy childhood, went from the bottom and brought myself up to where I am today obviously with my moms help and my kids for giving me strength to keep going. I have the determination and strength to keep fighting, but when will the fight be over? I just want to relax for a change.