I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I once believed...

So here's my question for you..

Do you believe everything happens for a reason, is it fate, or is it a fairy tale?

Maybe it's all three?

Do we really know?

Here is my take on it, I could be wrong but hell we all have opinion's and here is mine...

I don't think fairy tales exist, I think they only happen in the movies or in our dreams. I do believe in fate, but I also think that may fall into everything happens for a reason...call it fate if you want or call it Gods plan. Which ever you'd like I guess....

Here is why I don't believe in fairy tales, I have a child who went to Heaven, he will not be with me again in this lifetime so therefore there will be no happy ending to this fairy tale. I thought all fairy tales had happy endings. So no way will I believe they happen in real life.

But to call it hopeless, I do not believe that either. HOPE is one of the only things that keep me going. Faith is another, LOVE is another. My lord, how the hell did I make it this long without hope, faith, or love? Strength? Possibly. I kneel beside my sons grave daily, sometimes I'll sit there and I've laid there beside him a few times just staring at the sky and talking to him. Crazy? Just a little maybe. But that's reality it's not a fairy tale, I guess maybe it's fate? It was Kayden's. God wanted him home so he called his name that Thursday morning, when my life was flipped and turned in all sorts of directions....We are brought up and raised by our parents, they teach us so much and what they don't teach us we learn in school or by others right? But what about this, who teaches us to grieve? No one, we do it on our own. We have to learn how to cope with things on our own. We all handle situations differently, some will drown theirs selves in alcohol, or drugs. Others will be depressed and crawl in a corner for the rest of there lives. There is no time limit on grieving. I miss my baby boy every day still. Not a day passes that I don't miss him. And lately I've been taking myself back to his birthdays, holidays with him, and hospital stays with him. Ya know, to say that I would possibly ever be hopeless, that there is just flat out ignorance. Now when it comes to men, that is hopeless..I don't think that there is a man out there that can tell the God honest truth about everything....Here's my story..
I once told this certain guy how I felt, which I never do..Told him things I wanted out of my life & all about Kayden & everything...So yea this was after Kayden went to Heaven...and hey guess what happen to this guy? He just stopped talkin to me & started ignoring me...So hey why should I have hope in any man alive? Every guy I've ever met has always screwed me over some how....I have trust issues...now do you understand why? I don't regret telling him everything but I do regret opening up about my child who's no longer here. That could possibly fall under the category of taking advantage of me. But I'm a forgiving person. I forgive though I don't forget. Life is too short to hold a grudge it's too short to bitch over shit...So what do I do...move forward....but this was all worth making a blog about..

I do believe I know quite a few families who would agree with me on this topic of fairy tales though. Ask anyone who's ever lost a child....

I don't expect everyone to always remember why I disagree with things they believe in...because at one time I once believed too

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Moving forward, but standing still

Wow, it's been a good month since I've blogged. So here is a sum of everything that has happened. Me & the kids moved out of my moms house, I've been working like a dog (lol), I've missed Kayden every second of every day. It's hard to believe it's been 13 months since I"ve saw his little face. I've been without internet and cable for like 2 weeks or so. & now I FINALLY have it back and can catch everyone up lol!!

I'm super excited to have my own place with the kids, it's kind of weird that it's all mine and no one can tell me how to do things around here haha. Mom has been staying here though, she has to watch the kids while I work & she helped me get things together. Me & Philip have court on the 28th of this month and the Guardian ad Litem came today. So I had to be sure things were straight for the kids. Which we did. The lady was super nice and that all went great.

While I was without internet I saw on my phone one night that a baby I had followed for awhile now passed away. He also had a CHD, my heart hurts for his mommy. Fly High little Pierce ♥

I can't express how much of a love/hate relationship I have with CHD, I mean Kayden had a CHD & I hated it because he was sick, but I love it because if he didn't have it then he would not have been my Kayden. God I miss him so much...I think some people forget that I lost him by the senseless comments that they make. Some people are just stupid. And others just word things wrong. I mean here is what I wish people could see, your child IS still here in your reach, so do NOT be sad. You can see him/here when ever you want to. My son, his soul is in Heaven, his costume he wore here, it's at the cemetery that I visit every single day. My son is out of my reach, I can't see him or hold him...or kiss him. I wish people could understand that when they say things to me. Then they wonder why I don't feel like talking to anyone.

I do a lot of talking at work, I work with the public on a daily basis. Unfortunately people I come in contact with daily, have no idea about me or my life...or my child who is no longer here. When they are rude to me, I try to brush it off but it's so hard. It makes me wish I could just go back in time and freeze it...life seemed much easier back with Kayden, even through the hospital stays or doctors appointments. I need the job and love the people I work with...well most of them most of the time LOL, but I do wish they would move me around more. That goes back to people not understanding that grieving the loss of a child is so much more different that if it were a parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle. My days are not guaranteed. When I feel like not talking or feel like crying, I really don't want to talk to ANYONE including the public (especially). This is how my life will be daily. I'll be glad when I finally get back to school and finish my degree. Because if I get a  job offer in the paralegal field, yep I'll take it because I'll not do as much talking to the public as I do now. I know I will some but not every single day all 8 hours of the shift.

Anyways, that's enough ranting I'll do for one blog. I'll try to keep posting more for you guys  ♥