I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, January 17, 2015

If only..

My head is going around in circles tonight. Lately I've been going back reading old blog posts..From before I lost Kayden and afterwards. There are absolutely no words to even describe what I've went through...My whole life has been a crazy roller coaster. I've had ups and downs, and when things were good they were really good, but when they got bad, man they hit rock bottom...

So my head is a mess again tonight and no one to talk to, no shoulders to cry on...And right now I need it. Have you ever held something in for so long, and when you actually find it in you to tell someone it's too late and you can't say it? Yea, it sucks big time..Now I'm left wondering how much life would be different had I said then what I should have. Have you ever had someone on your mind so much it seems they are taking over your thoughts? Gah yea I'm stuck in that position and I'm hurting so bad. If I give too many details, then someone is bound to find out who I'm talking about specifically. But oh well...I've got to let it out. When there is someone you've known for so long, and you've always been friends, they haven't always been directly there but if you needed them or they needed you, then you're always there for each other..You don't hold nothing against them, past or present. But when they show up in your life again, you can feel a connection, and you can't say it. But you lose yourself in their presence. Then something happens, something BIG, and that makes you wonder why it happened? I mean, I believe in God, I believe he knows how we feel. He knows how I feel, he knows how I feel about this individual, so why did he allow this situation to happen? Now I can't help but question, was this person actually meant to be in my life forever? And how, what's their purpose, is it the one I'm meant to be with? Or maybe it was to show each other our true characters....Either way, my feelings towards this person haven't changed, except I hate seeing them hurt. I hate seeing them in bad situations, I just want to help, yet I pull back because he's hers for now...Just wish this man would realize what he has had in front of him for a very long time, maybe he sees it, maybe he's just too stubborn to give in? I don't have a clue. Maybe it'll happen over time, but I am a very impatient and jealous person. YES I did just ADMIT to that lol! I admitted it to the world, or at least who runs across my blog =]! LOL. I was talking to someone a couple days ago, telling them the situation. She said let me ask you a question, do you love him? Yes she used the big L word bahah! I was honest, and I told her, no I don't believe I love him, though I could easily. I have very strong feelings there that always surface when this person shows up in my life. So what's there to do with that? I mean I can't tell him, because if I do, honestly right now it's not going to change a thing unfortunately. I just know it's never been the right time it seems like. Or when it was for him, it wasn't for me. Like now, it's good for me but not him. I mean it's a win lose situation. Now my heart is hurting, because it's a wait and see game I'm playing here. Do you actually understand how much that hurts and makes me break down and just cry?! He's the kind of person I can be myself around, I can joke with him, scream at him, laugh with him, anything and does it right back. I hate it. I hate caring about someone I can't have, I hate crying, I hate he's her's and she doesn't deserve him, I HATE that he controls my thoughts and he doesn't even know.....It's easy to say just tell him. Yeaaa okay. Ya'll are crazy. Because if I do, I'm just hurting myself, putting myself up for failure, and to be let down. So for the time being....my thoughts will just stay like they are, and I'll cry when I'm alone, and I'll smile to the world like there is nothing wrong. And when he's around, I'll pretend all is okay and smile like always, even when inside, it's truly killing me to be around him =/

Hope you all have a better night than I'm having <3

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Just let go..

I think I've blogged more recently than I did all year last year lol.

I'm having a rough night tonight. So many tears have been cried, so many silent screams, so many raw emotions coming out tonight. Tonight's one of those I throw my hands up and fall to my knees in tears, and just stay that way with the tears running down my face..yep that's been me basically all night...Very hard to do when you have 3 kids around, Elijah starts crying..so I pick him up and that sweet smile makes me forget everything for a split second...Tavion comes in the room and says, why you crying for..I tell him, I'm not crying bud lol. He knows better...Alexis by now just doesn't ask. 

So many of you know how much I grew spiritually and in my relationship with God over the last year. I didn't let anything get to me..I quit my job and handed it over to Him. I prayed, I applied, I did everything to help myself. He opened doors for me. I moved, got myself into a better place financially...now my work has ended and I'm losing sight. I need to get it together. I'm letting situations and people consume me. I didn't do this 6 months ago...what is so different now that I can't shake it?! 

My heart is heavy tonight...we all have those few people we can run to and can tell your most deepest thoughts, feelings and experiences to. In order to do so, you trust these people with anything. But what happens, when you lose the last person you can tell everything to(besides God)? It's like losing a piece of your soul. That person knows so much about you and your life. I kind of feel like that's whats happened to me now....I feel like I've lost that one last person I could tell absolutely anything to...Now my heart is hurt, my soul is torn, and my thoughts are a mess. Now all I can do is cry...I don't think people quite understand the amount of trust others put in them. It takes A LOT for me to trust someone. This person didn't specifically break that trust, but they may as well have....silence is deafening. I know this I've lived in silence for 3 1/2 years though things are going on around me. When you try to help someone do the right thing, yet they run in the opposite direction. Why do they? Are they afraid of what the future holds? Are they afraid of change? Maybe they just don't want to accept what is? I have a hard time accepting what is sometimes....Sometimes we are blinded by lies and fake apologies, I've been there more than once or twice...or 10 times...So therefore I hate seeing others blinded by the two, or being treated badly. When you have turned to me, and I've been there any way possible and you push me away and shut the door in my face(that's how it seems). That's just flat out wrong. I'm sorry but if you have someone in your life who accepts you for who you are, do anything in their power to be sure you're okay, would put your needs before their own, that's who you need to hang on to because THOSE are the real ones. And I am that kind of person, I put people before myself. I try to hold back so much because I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't say a lot unless I get super mad, I try to be honest with everyone. Where does lying get you? Absolutely nowhere....

Let me be completely honest here, I love my kids with every piece of my soul, I would die for them. But sometimes it is hard for me to accept that I have 4(5) kids and most men are afraid of that so I'll probably be alone the rest of my life. While their dads are off enjoying their lives doing as they please....bitter? Possibly...they deserve the experience of not being able to go do what you want. Not that I do much anyways. Before I got pregnant with Elijah and the kids went to their dads, I was either sleeping, working, or I'd visit my friends who also have kids....oh until I got pregnant with Elijah, that time I went to visit a guy friend who had no kids lol. But sometimes, mama needs that little break..sometimes mama needs a night out to let out her stress. After all, single mama's are superheroes you know. We play mom, dad, nurse, doctor, best friend, and anything else that applies every single day....not just once or twice a week. 

I am slowly learning sometimes, we have to let go and walk away..It'll never be easy. But whatever is meant to be will always be, we have an amazing God who has a plan for us all...he will be sure everything goes according to his plan on his timing. Be patient and wait. Sometimes I am quick to forget all of this. And quite possibly I'm taking things too personal as I always do. After losing Kayden, I became an emotional wreck, and I'm talking like those wrecks you see when everything goes up in flames. Yep that's me. No matter if people don't mean things on a personal level, I take it that way. I'm complicated, I'm annoying some days, I obsess over little things, I'm extremely emotional, and I over think everything. But I also love deeply, I care about others, and I try my best in all that I do. I am strong though I am weak, I can laugh through almost any situation, though I am crying inside. I've said the last few years since Kayden's been gone, it takes a stronger person to stay in my life and put up with me because my life has been a crazy mess this far, but that's exactly all it is...life.