I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, October 29, 2011

It's almost Halloween!!

AHH I hate scary movies. I really don't like Halloween that much. I mean I love it for the kids but the scary stuff is a big fat NOPE for me lol. I guess that's where Kayden got it from. Geez I can't believe it's already freaking almost November. I'm learning to live with the pain of not having my baby here. It's horrible but the more I think about it since it's getting cold. At least he doesn't have to worry about getting sick. His little immune system was crap. I felt so bad I told him today good thing he wasn't out in this mess because he'd for sure have ear infections and be in the hospital (if he wasn't already). The sad part is Kayden would most likely still be waiting for his heart transplant. This makes me sad. It makes me sad to see other kids in their Spongebob costumes because that's what Kayden was going to be this year. I was even gunna bring it to the hospital to let him dress up. I hate he isn't here to have fun. I still have flashbacks of him on Halloween last year and the year before. I can still feel myself with him and the way he felt. I miss holding him, I miss kissing him, I miss hugging him, I miss talking to him, I miss EVERYTHING about him. My heart hurts. I feel the ache in my heart. I do dread Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I know the first ones without him will be hardest. But Kayden was so easy to buy for at Christmas and it's going to be HELL for me not to get him nothing. Last Thanksgiving Kayden & I were at UVA and my mom and brother brought us Thanksgiving dinner. It hurts to think of him not being here now. One minute his heart was beating and the next it wasn't...This isn't fair I wish I could go back and change everything and have him here with me...Kinda selfish huh because hey, he is in a better place and he IS happy and healthy. There is no sadness in Heaven, so he doesn't miss me, he's just waiting for me and he comforts me when I'm sad. All I can say is wait for me Kayden, everyday is one more closer to you baby ♥

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Nightmares & Fairytales

Nightmares come true so why can't fairytales? I mean really, we have serial killers walking our streets, child molesters and rapists. We have cancers and heart problems, kids dying, parents dying. ETC ETC ETC....But where is prince charming and where are the princess' and the castles with the white horses and where the hell is the HAPPY ENDING? I was thinking about this today because I've had another bad day. Not just missing Kayden but everything. I mean how freaking sad. My credit card is a payment of $15 and I didn't even have it in my bank account to pay it today because transfers haven't went through..That is ridiculous first time in 6 months it'll be late. I hope once I explain to them why I don't have it until tomorrow they will understand. Most places have worked with me. Cox our cable company..well they've pissed me off a few times not working with me as soon as we get caught up we are switching...I don't want to give ass holes my money when they can't work with us in hard times. I've got a few extra expenses right not that normal families do not have.

I feel like I'm walking through a tunnel that just never ends and it's dark and I can't find the freaking light. This is just a nightmare. Probably worse. My baby isn't here and I miss him so much it literally hurts and aches. I am so thankful for the friends and family I have that have been there to support me. A few have been there for me through my darkest hours and will continue to be there...Maybe one day fairytales will come true...but for now I've got to find a way out of this freaking nightmare that's sucking me in further ♥

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

breakdown #1,000,000,000,000++++

I feel like ripping my freaking head off right now. I swear when it rains it pours, I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a cat 5 hurricane plus....It NEVER ends. I don't see any sunshine in sight either. I don't want my business out there like that because I know how much people like to run their mouth. One day I hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know God will never give us more than we can handle. But then again, I hope he didn't think Kayden was too much for me. He wasn't I would have done anything to have him here with me. I wish I could take his place. Sometimes it's still so unreal, I expect to see him walk out of his room or yell at me to get him more chips. I swear I feel like I'm going crazy some days. And half the time I have to hold everything in just to keep myself together through the day. I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore. I've practically shut myself away from EVERYONE except a few people. I'm sick to my stomach almost daily with all the stress on me. You know I know Kayden's gone, I know he is NEVER coming back. But sometimes I just want to sit somewhere for hours just to think about all the times we had together and just cry until I can't anymore and I can't do that. I can't because it rips me apart and I want to go grab him and give him a huge hug. And theres nothing I can do, and sometimes I can feel him around me I guess trying to comfort me. Surely he understands why I feel this way, I know there is no sadness in Heaven only happiness. But surely he now understands I'm human so it's normal I feel like this. I'll be so glad when the day comes I see my big man again. I would do anything just to go back in time. I keep going back to the last time I spent with him alive, I gave him a kiss and said love you bubby I'll see you in a few days. Little did I know right? I love music, I always have but anymore all it does is make me cry. I can't listen to anything anymore really. Some days I'm okay but most of the time I can't and anything that reminds me of Kayden I can't listen to it. I just have no idea what to do anymore. Night time is the worst. That's when my mind starts racing and everything hits me at once and it's so overwhelming.  I can honestly say I can almost see why people kill their selves after losing a child, because the pain never stops, NEVER. No I'll never kill myself because for one I don't have the balls to do it and number 2 because if I do I'll really never see Kayden again and 3 because Kayden would be so ashamed & I couldn't leave my other kids without a mommy. So no one has to worry about me going anywhere until it's my time to go. Anyways. Enough with this breakdown. I got a good cry out writing this and thinking of my baby boy and how much I wish I had him here to hold on to. So until the next breakdown, have a good night ♥

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Sweet Dreams little man ♥

I woke up this morning in tears. I had been dreaming about Kayden. This was the second one since he passed away, but this was longer and made me so happy to see & play with him. We were playing and having fun he was so happy, then we were in the hospital and I was crying and yelling at the doctors about everything that I still am so confused about. And I told them now I have to live the rest of my life without my baby because they were unsure. It felt so real, I could feel the tears running down my face one at a time and as one fell more followed. But it was so amazing seeing him and talking and playing with him. It's been almost 3 months since I've seen that sweet face. It's been longer than that since I've heard his cute little voice. My heart still aches my arms want to feel him and hold him. It'll be a good day but at the same time it'll be hard, because my dream wasn't reality. I'll never feel Kayden or hear Kayden again in this lifetime. You may say I'm crazy, but all I have to say is no I just lost my child, so if that makes me crazy so be it. But I've been seriously thinking okay so NO I WANT to and I am going to when we get tax money back to talk with a psychic medium. I haven't found one yet but I'm going to. I NEED to somehow be close to Kayden and connect with him. And no amount of doctors or crazy medicine is going to make this better. The only thing that will attempt to make me heal is to somehow 'hear' Kayden. And if that's what it takes so be it, I am crazy and I'll embrace the title. Lose your child and see how you feel and the things you want to do. Because yes I do want to be the best freaking person I can be so I do go to Heaven and will walk beside my son again. People don't understand what we feel like after we lose our kids. I know I couldn't relate to any of my friends who had lost their kid. So I don't expect anyone to understand, all I do know is if you say anything be a little considerate of our feelings. If you have something to say that you think may bother us...JUST DON'T SAY IT!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Everyday for the rest of my life..

I hate nights like tonight. I just want to curl up in a ball go to a corner and die. The pain is so horrible and sometimes feels unbearable. I can't control my tears they just keep coming. I wish I could have my baby back. I don't understand why these things happen. I never will. Kayden was and is MINE why couldn't he stay? It's NOT FAIR! You got drug addicts out here who have their healthy kids and here I am wanting mine back. I hate you CHDs I really really REALLY HATE YOU!! You killed my son and now I have to live the rest of my life like this. I can't even begin to explain how much I miss him or how I feel. I just know I have no clue how I'm gunna do this the rest of my life. I hate to think of how many years I have ahead of me without my baby boy, the tears just keep falling kind of like a waterfall too or like running water that won't turn off no matter how hard you try. My heart aches, my arms are empty they want him so bad. I want to feel his touch, I can still smell him when I go in his room somedays. It kills me that he isn't there and he will never be there again no matter what I say or do. Not many people understand that or can imagine how it feels to lose something that can never be replaced. People say I'm stong, no not really. You have no clue how I'm shattered I am inside. I'll never be whole, I'll never be fixed, I'll NEVER be me again. It's like a nightmare that I can't get out of...WHEN WILL IT END?!?!?!??!!!!!!!!