I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Missing piece.

Geez lately I've been having awful days. Struggling to get through them. I miss my little man so much. Each day it gets closer to Kayden's 5th birthday and if you ever remember playing tug a war as a child, and pulling the rope back trying to stand your ground but the other people keep pulling you and you slide towards them...That's how I feel. I feel as if someone keeps pulling me towards these days, and I'm trying my best to just stand still or go backwards. I don't want another birthday to come and he not be here to celebrate, I don't want another Christmas to come without him....This Friday, Tavion will be the same age Kayden was on July 14, 2011. My heart is sinking. I miss Kayden more than anything ever. I can't help but remember how our days were in the hospital and how he was content even being there. We would be watching tv or doing puzzles, coloring...Something to always keep him busy. I hate it when people tell me at least you know he's better off...So what I do know that...but some days that just isn't enough. Some days all I want is to hold my son, to be there with him, kissing his forehead saying it's okay...I just wonder what it felt like for them to come and say WE'VE GOT A HEART! God how I prayed for those words to come out of their mouths. I never expected Misty get here we are losing him, they're getting the crash cart. I will never forget that night the rest of my life. Some days though, I feel him as close to me as he was while he was still here. Some times it's like he never even left. But other days, my heart hurts and my chest physically hurts. My arms ache to hold him, I can't watch Mickey Mouse still because that just was Kayden's show. No one else liked it until he started watching it. So Mickey isn't allowed...It hurts when people get hot wheels for my other boys. Kayden loved his cars, so it secretly breaks my heart and makes me want to cry. 

All I want in life is happiness. I wonder if I'll ever find it again. Or will it come when I'm finally with my sweet boy again? I'm missing a piece to my puzzle, it'll never be complete. My heart will always be broken and half of it will always be in Heaven. So how can I ever find true happiness? Seems like something always happens to let me down.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Live & Learn.

I would apologize for this post being long but I'm not going to. I've done enough apologizing in my lifetime for a few people.

I must say this, do NOT judge ones path if you have not walked in their shoes. Do not push people aside when they need you the most. Do not brush what they say under the table because it could be their last words. I've been having a hard time the last few weeks, just dealing with a lot. I'm trying to push myself back up the mountain to get myself half way up or even just above the ground...

To those who may not know this, I was with my ex from the time I was 16 until 2009, which of course we still were seeing each other because I got pregnant with Isaiah in 2010. Well after finding out he had gotten married I was done with him, he still lied to me about it of course. He'd say anything just to keep me around, but I wised up thank God. I do give credit to Kayden for that strength to push me through those hard months following and accepting things as they were. During the relationship with him, it was good at first, as all relationships are. He did cheat on me right when we first got together and I did almost just say forget it then, but if I did I wouldn't have my 4 amazing children. So I decided we can try this thing again, things were so good for awhile, we got pregnant in December 2004, at my appt in February, we found out our first baby had no heart beat, I was around 9 weeks and lost the baby March 1, 2005. I was 17 when I lost my first child. Things were going good and unexpectedly for me, he says we tried but I don't think we did lol but I got pregnant with our second child in May. Scared just didn't cover how I felt. I didn't want to lose another baby, plus I almost had no blood pressure at the hospital when I miscarried because I lost so much blood. I barely remember a lot from that, I remember they carried me to my sisters car because I couldn't walk I was so light headed and couldn't stop crying, I walked down the hall and fell in a room half way to the garage. I kept going in and out on the way to the hospital, I do remember them talking to me trying to keep me awake. they got me out and put me in the wheel chair at the hospital. It was so crazy. But anyways back to the second pregnancy. At the first appointment, everything was good, I still didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy until I was about 3 months. After that I knew we'd be okay to tell people. Things were still great with me and my ex. We found out we were having a girl at about 4 months pregnant! We were super excited, went out and bought her first pair of shoes, pink & white reeboks. Things went well with the delivery and everything. Lexi was born Alexis Sky Barnes on February 9, 2006 at 2 am. She was beautiful, we were so happy. I was happy. In December, I found out my ex had been cheating on me, I had suspected it since I went back to work in September 2006. I did in fact find out he had been cheating on me since about October. I made him leave in January 2007, of course his lies started a few months before and he told me he loved me, he was sorry, and he wanted to come home. Of course I believed him, I loved him, he was the father of my child. We had lost a baby. I still loved him even after cheating on me. A few months passed and we were good. Until I found out she was pregnant. He denied it was his baby and he was going to have a paternity test done. By this time I was pregnant again with our second child. At my first appointment with baby #2, the baby wasn't there but my doctor said I was definitely pregnant and wanted me to come back in a couple of weeks. I was scared to death, I thought omg not again. I did not want to lose another baby. At the next appointment there baby #2 was with a strong heartbeat. We never explained where the baby was at the first appointment. When I was 4 months pregnant, I went in and found out we were having a baby boy!! YAY, a boy finally, 1 boy and 1 girl. I was excited. I also found more out, we saw the baby looked like he had a cleft lip. They wanted to be positive so referred me to a different clinic. There it was confirmed and said chances are the baby would have a cleft palate as well, but there is more, they noticed something about the babys heart and referred me to a peds cardiologist. That confirmed my son's heart was enlarged and had a leaky valve. Diagnosis was dilated cardiomyopathy & ebstein's anomaly. What to expect, we had no idea. Oxygen at birth, ventilator at birth, nothing possibly at birth. When I told my ex about all of this, he denied my child. I could not believe. He said the baby wasn't his because none of that ran in his family. I told him, mine either but he was still my baby. In September, the girl he was seeing had her baby. They went to court had the test done, it came back..his baby. Go figure. December 21, 2007 Kayden James Barnes was born at 1:24am. He was 4 weeks early. He was strong from the moment he came out, he did need oxygen for the first few days. I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on my beautiful baby boy. He was my first born son and I couldn't ask for more in my first son. He was gorgeous. As they pushed the incubator over to me before taking him to the NICU, Kayden was holding his oxygen mask with no help. Only minutes old and holding his own mask. If that's not strong, I don't know what is. Kayden was there for 2 weeks after he was born, and my ex, well he left again before Kayden even came home from the hospital. He only went to see Kayden once the whole 2 weeks and that was the day I came home from the hospital. We ended up going to court and he did have a paternity test done, go figure this one, he is the father. WOW. Is it a surprise? No....Anyways we kept this up for awhile he was back and forth between me and her, she'd be pregnant then I would. Of course he'd tell me all hers weren't his but then again I'm sure he told her the same thing. She had another child in December 2008, I had Tavion May 13, 2009. We finally broke up for good a week before Thanksgiving 2009. He kept telling me he loved me and he was gunna come home, kept saying she was making him stay there and bullshit. Of course I still loved him and believed everything he would feed me. I got pregnant with Isaiah in April 2010...In June a friend of mine called me and said she had saw the girl my ex was seeing and she was pregnant again and also she had told her that they had got married. Of course my ex lied to me and said it wasn't true. I called and sure enough they got married in December 2009. I don't know what I really felt at that point. I was furious. If I had known, I would not have gotten pregnant, I would have left him alone months ago. I was just so angry at myself for believing everything. In July 2010, Kayden went into heart failure. My strength, the one who kept me sane and helped me through so much was sick. His father couldn't be reached. I basically did go through that myself other than my mom. She was a huge help through all this with Kayden.

During this relationship, we would fight, me and my ex would have some good ones, he threw my phone against a wall once, he never would hit me though, just yell and put me down...I was a bitch and so many other things. He didn't like my friends so I stopped keeping in touch with them & if I dared talked to a male, I was screwing them..or he thought. Little did he know out of basically 6 years, I did not cheat on him. He still doesn't believe me to this day but it's ok. What's done is done. We can't go back and change a thing. I learned and we are way past the point of being a family...

As months went on Kayden was getting sicker, he always kept on smiling though. I  think Kayden held on for us. He knew how much he held this family together even at only 3 years old. He was the rock of our family. Kayden rocked his open heart surgery, he recovered so well from it. We were all so excited, he was gunna be okay. We knew transplant was in our future but didn't expect it for a few years. When he got sick again it knocked us down again. But the strength I got from my son, kept me going. I was fighting for him & with him. Anything I had to do, I was gunna do it. Whether it was placing an NG tube, or checking sats at 2am, or cleaning up his puke from his feeds at 4am...pediasure coming up is the worst smell in the world..just so ya know. Taking a trip to the emergency room at midnight, praying he would not be admitted but knowing deep in my heart he would be. Falling to my knees at 1:30am on July 14, 2011 praying to God to keep my son here with us. Praying he would be okay and stay with us long enough for me to get to Charlottesville. Praying and saying Kayden please baby stay with us, please bubby. I'm coming sweet man. Never losing hope even after I get the phone call an hour later saying 'he's gone, we lost him'....I dropped the phone in the floor of my brothers car crying and screaming why, why, why bubby. Why did you take him, Why Kayden? WHY?!

So I ask you, what is LOVE? Is there a meaning? Is love what I felt and had for my ex, who abused me emotionally, who constantly lied to me...Or is LOVE what we feel for our children? Love, is suppose to be good not bad. Love is suppose to never fail us. My love for Kayden never failed, I still love him with all of my heart and every inch of my body. Half of my heart went with Kayden the morning he went to Heaven. Maybe I did love my ex for sometime, but that love failed, I couldn't put up with it anymore. Even now, 16 months later, I would do anything for Kayden. I do what  I can to keep his memory alive, I do what I can to help my other children remember him....

In 3 years, I've never tried having a relationship with another man. Mostly because I haven't had time especially with bubby being so sick. It was not one of my priorities. It still really isn't. Though I always said if the opportunity came along, I wouldn't push it away. Soo, when the opportunity came along, someone willing to take a chance on this fucked up heart of mine, the heart that has been shattered and pieced back together, one that's missing half of it. I did try and I liked this person, a lot actually. I was actually beginning to be happy with life again, with the exception of missing my son. But then boom, he knocks me down the mountain that I have been trying so hard to climb up for 16 months, but I wasn't down all the way, a couple days later, I find out my grandma is doing really bad, so we go to SC to visit her. She's so weak and sick, she couldn't talk to us, she looked at us but I don't think she really saw us. I don't know, kind of the look Kayden gave us the days before he passed. My grandma ended up passing away November 7. This with the things that also happened have knocked me down my mountain and I feel like I've almost hit rock bottom again. I can feel the walls closing around me, shutting people out once again. I feel the darkness coming over my head again. The tears fall every night almost once again, probably every other night because some times I'm too exhausted to even bother. I try to pull myself up but I don't feel the strength to go. My strength has faded away I feel like. What do you do at this point? Thanksgiving is coming up, Christmas is coming, Kayden's birthday is coming, Tavion will be the same age as Kayden when he passed a week before Kayden's 17 month Angelversary....WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'VE BEEN KNOCKED DOWN AND FEEL YOUR STRENGTH HAS GONE? So many tell me, Misty you are so strong, you are an inspiration to so many..But really. I don't feel that anymore, I can't keep going, I want to fall in the floor and lay there until I'm with my son. Where do you find happiness again? I don't want to look for it, but any more I feel like I'm not suppose to be happy. Why would all this be thrown at me, God doesn't give us more than we can handle? I do not believe that much anymore, because he keeps throwing so much at me at one time. I don't feel like I have many people to talk to about any of this, either they get annoyed hearing the same stuff over and over again, or they just push it in one ear and out the other. I don't know where to turn anymore. Where do I find the strength, because the one who gave me strength to keep going is in Heaven.

So you see, I've been through so much that I don't have it in me to hate, I don't have it in me get angry and stay angry. I've been through the worst thing any one could go through...losing their child. I've held an Angel, I held him hours after he passed and laid with him as I cried. You see I don't want you to feel bad for me or feel sorry for me. I'm not crazy, I've been broken in pieces, but if that's what you call crazy, I've got good reasons for it...All I ask is be there for me, help me stand up, because I need that. I need people around me to help me to keep going. All I ask is. Don't give up on me..even when I push you away.

The old me, happy and loving my life. One who didn't know what true sadness was.

The new me. The one who's been shattered and pieced together..half way.



Friday, November 9, 2012

Words that define me.

I've been through a lot in the last 5 years of my life. From the time I found out Kayden was going to be born with health conditions all the way up to losing him and this week losing my grandma. I would say I have a reason to be a little crazy at times. I also have the right to love and care about people no matter how they treat me. I can forgive. I may not always forget, I may be sweet but I also can be bitchy. I'm sensitive, I cry at the drop of a hat, I've always been that way but worse since I lost Kayden. I am in love with love. I can't wait until the day I find love again. The love I have for my children is amazing and knowing they love me makes my day ♥ I do feel like I've went crazy this week, I keep feeling a very heavy weight on my chest, I'm sure it's anxiety about my grandma's service...same funeral home and she's being buried next to my grandpa, and Kayden's on the other side of him. My heart will sink when I walk into the funeral home I'm sure. As it will when we go to the cemetery and walk the path to those little chairs. I've walked that path over 730 times, that's twice a day, once there and once back to the car. I could do it in my sleep, but I know as I walk and see the chairs and tent there over my son's grave, my heart will once again hit the ground. I keep having flash backs and keep seeing him laying their in his casket at the funeral home. I miss my little love...I want this to be an awful nightmare and wake up and Kayden be curled up next to me. I wish my life could go in reverse so I could have my son. I don't care about nothing else from my past except for him. I just want my baby back. I want the people in my life now to know Kayden, not just through pictures, videos and from what I tell them. Sometimes I feel people get bored with me always mentioning him or telling them stories about him...but he is my child, he always will be.....I reposted a picture with this on it today. It describes me. Every bit of it. 
The most beautiful people we have known,
are those who have known defeat, known suffering,
known struggle, known loss, and have found their way.
Out of the depths, these people have an appreciation, a sensitivity,
and an understanding of life thaht fills them with compassion,
gentleness, and a deep loving concern. 
Beautiful people...do not just happen.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Depression.

What is it? I don't know but I feel like it's following me around the last few days. I feel pissed off at the world and can't shake it. I don't know what's wrong with me but I wish it would go away. I wish I could disappear and stay gone for awhile. What do you do when everything you once knew is taken from you? I just need some direction anymore. My heart is hurting. My head hurts and I'm confused. I built myself up after losing Kayden it has taken me this long and I'm still  not even a quarter of the way up the mountain and people keep throwing me back down. I can't take it emotionally. I shouldn't have ever let myself get emotionally involved in ANYTHING. That's my first fuck up right there.

I use to know where I wanted to be and I was happy with all 4 of my kids by myself. Standing there talking to Kayden today, I had a feeling come over me that was just this is my life, this is where I want to be right there with him. I don't want to be anywhere else. I miss him so much I just wish I could have him back it's not fair. I can't shake this feeling. It seems like EVERYTHING goes wrong all at one time. Last year after I lost Kayden, I disconnected myself from everyone, crawled in a hole and stayed gone all day just so I didn't have to go home to the empty bed he should be in, I could see him everywhere I looked, on the couch, in the bed, walking down the hall sayin 'get me'. I miss him. I just miss him and there is nothing that will make it better unless I'm with him. I'm torn though, between this world and him because I've got to be here for my other children. But half of my heart is with Kayden. I look back to blogs I wrote while Kayden was here and they make me cry because I was so blessed, and I remember feeling those feelings and I miss them. I'm still blessed but damn it I WANT MY CHILD BACK. It's not ever gunna be right again in my life..And for people to take advantage of me it just makes me wanna fucking vomit. Sorry for the horrible language but I had to get it out.

Hopefully you're having a better day than me.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Inspiration.

Who is your inspiration? I mean who truly inspires you to do the things you do or be a better person. We all have that one person who you turn to when you need some uplifting. Mine is Kayden, he's my greatest inspiration, he's the one who has made me become a better person..I am completely different than I was 5 years ago. He's the reason I want to raise CHD Awareness, he is the reason I want to help other heart families during their time of need. He is the one I talk to when I'm down and can't get out of the dark places. Kayden may be my baby and he may not be here with us but he is who I turn to when I need to make my day brighter. To be honest, before I had him, I never thought about inspiration, or things like that. Now I can almost choose the right words for every single situation and day. I find those words by making the best out of a tragedy. Losing my son was the worst thing ever in this world I'll ever have to deal with. But I've tried looking at it as something good coming out of it, Kayden's been in the news all around the world during CHD Awareness week, I will keep working my ass off for it to happen again, I have been slacking when it comes to my Mended Little Hearts group in Roanoke, I've had a lot on me that last few months. But my goal is to have it complete and chartered by Spring.

The last few days have been hard on our family. My grandma is getting really bad and will be joining Kayden and my grandpa any day now I'm pretty sure. They took her to the hospital the other day she was unresponsive, her oxygen was low and her heart rate was everywhere...They've sent her home on hospice, and letting nature takes it's course. She's not opening her eyes or talking. She can still swallow so that's good. I'll keep you guys updated on her as the days pass. But it's refreshing the pain of losing Kayden, the days before and the days after. This is what my grandma wants though, she's waited for it. She wants to be with our Lord and my grandpa. I know Kayden and my grandpa will be waiting on her, they are getting her spot ready, and when she finally opens her eyes on the other side, she will be where she's wanted to be for the last 13 years. Please keep our family in your prayers..

On the other hand, I've been finding myself thinking about this certain someone lately. I'm afraid to get my emotions involved because I'm afraid of being hurt again. I'm also afraid the kids' dad will be an even bigger asshole...So I don't know what really to do with that. I've been single for the last 3 years, so it'll be good to have someone there again, but this time this person seems like a very awesome person and doesn't seem to be a douche bag...like the ones I normally attract. I don't know I guess time will only tell where this goes. God will point me in the right direction, I know.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

The hardest job I've ever had...

Being a single parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. I didn't quite realize that until today, when I was trying to get Alexis to clean her room and listen to me. UGH..I had my niece today while mom worked and well if you know me then you know these two girls fight like hell. Well, go figure neither were listening to me. Alexis kept running through the apartment and I was telling her to stop running and clean her room, it was a disaster. Of course she didn't listen...So I told her if she didn't get in there and clean then I'd take her tv out of her room. I let the kids do almost anything but I need some help keeping the house clean and Alexis is old enough to help with that. She can pick up after her self or clean her room. Soo her and Lynds are in her room of course I hear them yelling and fighting. So I went in there and what have they done? Pulled more crap out. So I took her tv out she got mad and yelled at me that I didn't like her, etc. So she had me almost in tears. It's not been a good day. But she did get her room clean. Is it wrong I still won't put her tv in her room? I just think they are getting away with too much lately, and I don't want them walking all over me as they get older. I'm still their mother. I just feel like I have to be good to them because I am all they have. I've never walked out and left them behind. It just hurts so much when Lexi says I don't like her because I try to discipline her. I don't do it to be mean. I feel like I have to cut them some slack too because they too lost Kayden. They lost memories that should be made, they lost their brother.

Today I took bubby his pumpkin for Halloween and for Thanksgiving. It'll stay there all through November..just like last year. With the holidays quickly approaching and his birthday coming, my hearts been heavy lately. I just miss him so much my heart is crying. My arms ache for him and I wish he were here to see everything that's going on. I know he sees now but it would be better if he were here. I hate that my new friends I've made will never meet Kayden. I hate that when I meet that special someone in my life will meet the other kids but he will never meet Kayden, he'll only know Kayden through what I tell him. Which I could go on for days about that child. Kayden was my life and still is my life. I still don't understand why God chose him but I miss him dearly and wish I could have one more moment with him..even if at the end of the day that still wasn't enough. I love you Kayden James ♥

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Eff you CHD.

Today has been one of those rough days once again. But it's been bad the last few days, I mean really bad, like holding back the bursting out in tears in the middle of work bad. I have to laugh and always talk at work to stop myself...But all day I would keep seeing the images of Kayden laying there at the funeral home, or walking in to the hospital room never losing that piece of hope until I walked through the door and saw him in my moms arms. Falling to my knees to pray to God to keep him with us that night. Hearing Lexi say he was so cold after giving him her last kiss...Hearing Tavion say shh Kayen night night. Watching his brothers and sister grow up without him around. I still hear his little voice in my head, feel him holding my hand, or giving me night night kisses. FUCK I MISS THOSE KISSES. Singing his moon song at night time, he'd always tell the moon night night too.

Man I can't believe it's almost Halloween, Kayden didn't like Halloween much, he did before he got sick. His last Halloween he was a vampire, and my niece a werewolf, for Twilight LOL. Kayden was my little personal vampire =]! He didn't like his costume but I like to think it was mostly cuz he just didn't feel well. Poor bubby =[....Saturday we plan on taking the kids to the pumpkin patch, I haven't went since we took Kayden and all the kids in 2010, so yea it's going to be hard. But I'm gunna try to make the best of it, and hopefully get Kayden a pumpkin for the cemetery ♥

anyways...

I must say this, I say it all the time, people piss me off when they try comparing CHD and childhood cancers...it's statistics and facts out there proving CHD kills twice as many children PER YEAR that ALL CHILDHOOD CANCERS COMBINED! When will people stop being so blind and realize that..And to say childhood cancers don't get much funding, you're just full of crap. I'm tired of sugar coating things and worrying about offending people. So anymore I really don't even care....People don't want to hear your child has a heart defect, or something's wrong with your babys heart. OF COURSE NOT! WHO WANTS TO? Do you think we chose this? No we did not. But as a CHD Angel parent, when you try to look down on CHD like it's NOT IMPORTANT. You're asking for it...

*More than 50% of all children born with congenital heart defect will require at least one invasive surgery in their lifetime.
*There are more than 40 different types of congenital heart defects. Little is known about the cause of most of them. There is no known prevention or cure for any of them.*In the United States, twice as many children die from congenital heart defects each year than from all forms of childhood cancer combined, yet funding for pediatric cancer research is five times higher than funding for CHD.*Congenital heart defects are America’s and every country’s #1 birth defect. Nearly one of every 100 babies is born with a CHD.*Congenital heart defects are the #1 cause of birth defect related deaths.*Congenital heart defects are the leading cause of all infant deaths in the United States.*Each year approximately 40,000 babies are born in the United States with a congenital heart defect. Thousands of them will not reach their first birthday and thousands more die before they reach adulthood.*Each year over 1,000,000 babies are born worldwide with a congenital heart defect. 100,000 of them will not live to see their first birthday and thousands more die before they reach adulthood.*Almost half all children and adults with complex congenital heart disease have neurological and developmental disabilities.*There are an estimated 2,000,000 CHD survivors in the United States.*For the first time, more than 50% of the CHD survivors are adults.*10% of all CHD cases evaluated in an Adult CHD clinic are first diagnosed in adulthood.*91,000 life years are lost each year in this country due to congenital heart defects.*The cost for inpatient surgery to repair congenital heart defects exceeds $2.2 billion a year.ALL facts are from http://www.childrensheartfoundation.org/about-chf/fact-sheets 






Sunday, October 7, 2012

I miss him.

My thoughts are all over the place tonight. It's been a month since I've blogged. I've been so busy with work and the kids and haven't had much time to get online unless it's on the go on my phone! IF ONLY it was easy to blog from there lol. I've had good days and I've had some bad days in the last month. Today was one of those where all the memories cuz like a knife, where every picture I see of Kayden makes me what to curl up and die because it hurts so bad to look at him and not touch him. I miss him so much, I just can't even say how much because it would still be an understatement. People say it gets easier, or as the years pass you'll learn to cope better or find different ways. I'm still not sure about that. I mean I have learned that you just learn to live with the pain, the hurt and the aching in your chest. It's a part of your daily life after you lose your child. But I don't see where it's gotten easier..only harder. I help other families because it's the only way I feel like I can keep Kayden's memory alive, keep him here with us. By telling his story, and by helping others....but at the end of the day when I have to visit my child in a cemetery, kneeling by his grave and telling him baby we've done it again, we've made a difference in someone elses life, I cry. I cry because he isn't physically here for me to show people, he's not here for me to hold his hand anymore, or to kiss his forehead or rub his back.

Tonight after the kids had went to bed, my mom and I were talking about my grandpa. She was saying she doesn't know what made him so strong, he was such a believer and went to church every single Sunday his whole life. When my grandpa passed away he was ready to go, he knew it and he said so many times he was ready. He wasn't afraid to die. He knew where he was going and he was ready. I asked my mom, how do you think grandpa would have taken it if he was here when we lost Kayden, what would he think?
She said ya know, I really think it would have upset him, she really does. But she said she doesn't know what he would have said when it came to him believing.....Here's what I struggle with. Why does God take children away from their mother's? I don't understand why he takes children away.....I don't get why he put Kayden through what he did and still in the end took him back. WHY? That's what I struggle with the most, and that's why it's hard for me to go to church and pretend like it's all okay....because I'm NOT okay with it...I hate that the kids have to grow up without their brother. I hate that I still have a lifetime to live without one of my children. I feel guilty when I laugh or smile or have a good time....I feel like I'm doing something wrong....Sometimes I feel like I move my feet but I'm staying in one place...I wish I could just go back in time and be with him and freeze time...I just miss him.


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I'm still angry.

It's true, I do believe I'm still angry. Or maybe just at times I'm still angry that my son was taken from me. As I was looking to change my default picture tonight I stopped because I was getting so angry that he wasn't here to take a new picture of him. I got angry because as I saw the last pictures I got of Kayden, he was okay in those pictures and so much changed so quickly and I don't understand what went wrong. I am still left 14 months later with SO many unanswered questions..

I know there is a bigger picture behind this. God knows what he is doing when he takes our children back home. I know I can't see that bigger picture or get to where he wants me to be until I can get over the madness. I try and when I think I'm almost there, I feel as if it's all hitting me in the face again at once. I miss him so much. When I feel like I need to let it out I do. But lately those days are coming more often again and I don't understand why. I know I'll never get over losing Kayden, but I didn't think that I'd feel like I'm taking 10 steps back. I went awhile with having mostly good days and the bad ones where further apart. But lately they are coming so often again and almost every night I cry. My heart is shattered and it's an awful feeling when you think your childs memory is fading. I don't know how to get past this and get to where I was. I just keep reliving the whole month of July...I don't know what to feel or think anymore. Is this normal? Should I finally seriously consider talking to someone? I just don't want to hear the bullshit of he's in a better place, he's better off....blah blah blah...These things I already know so stop telling me that! JUST FUCKING STOP. That goes to everyone. Because sometimes that just is NOT good enough when all I want is to hold my son close and never let him go. I remember so many days and nights I'd hold his hand and watch him just because I knew how possible it was he wouldn't be here...BUT I never in a million years thought that he would be gone....I always said God put Kayden through too much to take him back and I believed that, I had faith that he was going to help Kayden and let him stay with me. My heart is hurting so much, my head stays hurting and I don't think there is anything that'll help it...not even time.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I once believed...

So here's my question for you..

Do you believe everything happens for a reason, is it fate, or is it a fairy tale?

Maybe it's all three?

Do we really know?

Here is my take on it, I could be wrong but hell we all have opinion's and here is mine...

I don't think fairy tales exist, I think they only happen in the movies or in our dreams. I do believe in fate, but I also think that may fall into everything happens for a reason...call it fate if you want or call it Gods plan. Which ever you'd like I guess....

Here is why I don't believe in fairy tales, I have a child who went to Heaven, he will not be with me again in this lifetime so therefore there will be no happy ending to this fairy tale. I thought all fairy tales had happy endings. So no way will I believe they happen in real life.

But to call it hopeless, I do not believe that either. HOPE is one of the only things that keep me going. Faith is another, LOVE is another. My lord, how the hell did I make it this long without hope, faith, or love? Strength? Possibly. I kneel beside my sons grave daily, sometimes I'll sit there and I've laid there beside him a few times just staring at the sky and talking to him. Crazy? Just a little maybe. But that's reality it's not a fairy tale, I guess maybe it's fate? It was Kayden's. God wanted him home so he called his name that Thursday morning, when my life was flipped and turned in all sorts of directions....We are brought up and raised by our parents, they teach us so much and what they don't teach us we learn in school or by others right? But what about this, who teaches us to grieve? No one, we do it on our own. We have to learn how to cope with things on our own. We all handle situations differently, some will drown theirs selves in alcohol, or drugs. Others will be depressed and crawl in a corner for the rest of there lives. There is no time limit on grieving. I miss my baby boy every day still. Not a day passes that I don't miss him. And lately I've been taking myself back to his birthdays, holidays with him, and hospital stays with him. Ya know, to say that I would possibly ever be hopeless, that there is just flat out ignorance. Now when it comes to men, that is hopeless..I don't think that there is a man out there that can tell the God honest truth about everything....Here's my story..
I once told this certain guy how I felt, which I never do..Told him things I wanted out of my life & all about Kayden & everything...So yea this was after Kayden went to Heaven...and hey guess what happen to this guy? He just stopped talkin to me & started ignoring me...So hey why should I have hope in any man alive? Every guy I've ever met has always screwed me over some how....I have trust issues...now do you understand why? I don't regret telling him everything but I do regret opening up about my child who's no longer here. That could possibly fall under the category of taking advantage of me. But I'm a forgiving person. I forgive though I don't forget. Life is too short to hold a grudge it's too short to bitch over shit...So what do I do...move forward....but this was all worth making a blog about..

I do believe I know quite a few families who would agree with me on this topic of fairy tales though. Ask anyone who's ever lost a child....

I don't expect everyone to always remember why I disagree with things they believe in...because at one time I once believed too

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Moving forward, but standing still

Wow, it's been a good month since I've blogged. So here is a sum of everything that has happened. Me & the kids moved out of my moms house, I've been working like a dog (lol), I've missed Kayden every second of every day. It's hard to believe it's been 13 months since I"ve saw his little face. I've been without internet and cable for like 2 weeks or so. & now I FINALLY have it back and can catch everyone up lol!!

I'm super excited to have my own place with the kids, it's kind of weird that it's all mine and no one can tell me how to do things around here haha. Mom has been staying here though, she has to watch the kids while I work & she helped me get things together. Me & Philip have court on the 28th of this month and the Guardian ad Litem came today. So I had to be sure things were straight for the kids. Which we did. The lady was super nice and that all went great.

While I was without internet I saw on my phone one night that a baby I had followed for awhile now passed away. He also had a CHD, my heart hurts for his mommy. Fly High little Pierce ♥

I can't express how much of a love/hate relationship I have with CHD, I mean Kayden had a CHD & I hated it because he was sick, but I love it because if he didn't have it then he would not have been my Kayden. God I miss him so much...I think some people forget that I lost him by the senseless comments that they make. Some people are just stupid. And others just word things wrong. I mean here is what I wish people could see, your child IS still here in your reach, so do NOT be sad. You can see him/here when ever you want to. My son, his soul is in Heaven, his costume he wore here, it's at the cemetery that I visit every single day. My son is out of my reach, I can't see him or hold him...or kiss him. I wish people could understand that when they say things to me. Then they wonder why I don't feel like talking to anyone.

I do a lot of talking at work, I work with the public on a daily basis. Unfortunately people I come in contact with daily, have no idea about me or my life...or my child who is no longer here. When they are rude to me, I try to brush it off but it's so hard. It makes me wish I could just go back in time and freeze it...life seemed much easier back with Kayden, even through the hospital stays or doctors appointments. I need the job and love the people I work with...well most of them most of the time LOL, but I do wish they would move me around more. That goes back to people not understanding that grieving the loss of a child is so much more different that if it were a parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle. My days are not guaranteed. When I feel like not talking or feel like crying, I really don't want to talk to ANYONE including the public (especially). This is how my life will be daily. I'll be glad when I finally get back to school and finish my degree. Because if I get a  job offer in the paralegal field, yep I'll take it because I'll not do as much talking to the public as I do now. I know I will some but not every single day all 8 hours of the shift.

Anyways, that's enough ranting I'll do for one blog. I'll try to keep posting more for you guys  ♥

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The struggles make you stronger

Happy Fourth of July everyone who comes across my blog ♥ I hope you have a fun and safe holiday!

Today is a little bittersweet on this end. It was Kayden's last holiday with us, he was still vented and before he got chorea so at least he was communicating like his self..Kayden didn't like the fire works, he would say 'too loud' and he'd cover his face. So last year, he had a decoration from my sister and he'd pull of the little stars on it lol! He was so silly! Today Isaiah is wearing Kayden's fourth of July shirt from 2009. After Isaiah it will get put up with everything else. It's so hard to get rid of things that were his. Eventually one day I'll go through his stuff again and get rid of a few things...maybe. Or Alexis can once I'm with Kayden in Heaven.

All today really means right now to me is I'm at the official count down, 10 days until I got the worst phone call of my life. 10 days away from the last time I held my son in my arms, 10 days since the day my little boy went to live with the Angels & earned his wings. Kayden was a fighter, he did up until the very end. I do not feel like he lost his fight with his heart, I feel he beat it, Kayden beat his CHD. Going to Heaven isn't a punishment, it isn't losing, it's WINNING. He is so much better off than we are. Kayden was chosen before he was born. He was hand picked and his dates were written, when he was called home, he had Angels waiting for him. To go at a young age like Kayden and many others, they have to be a very important piece of Heaven, so at least I know I've got a piece of Heaven watching over my family & I carry it with me always.

I'm glad I didn't know last year that I only had 10 days left with him, I'd rather our last days together be filled with smiles and memories, not sadness. Kayden didn't need to see that. Some things and this is one, we are better off not knowing. I have learned many lessons in this short year. One I want you all to know is do not take life for granted, when you feel like complaining about hospital stays, please remember there are people out there who would do anything in the world just to be by their child's hospital bed. And remember those nights before when you were afraid it would be your last night with your child.

All I do is keep having images pop up in my head from last year in the hospital with him, or afterwards, I keep feeling myself in those situations, and when I let the walls up for a split second, the tears come and won't stop. The last two nights I've cried myself to sleep. I know I'm going to feel like I'm losing him all over again, except this year I can't hold him on the 14th like I did last year, I won't be able to kiss him on the head and tell him how loved he is and will always be. I did promise Kayden I would be beside him every step of the way. I promised him I'd fight for him until the day my heart stopped beating. That is a promise I do intend on keeping. So I do not care how many people get tired of hearing about CHD, I will preach to you about it, I will shove it down your throat. I will never stop because I know the awful reality of CHD, I've lived with every mother's nightmare the last year and I will live it for the rest of my life. All I can say is people truly can die with a broken heart. My heart will be broken forever. Our family is like a puzzle that's missing a piece, and that piece will never be found until we are all together again.

Monday, June 18, 2012

1 year down, lifetime to go

I can't believe that I've started the last month of the first year without my son. People think that I'm better, truth is no I'm not. I'll never be better. I wake up every day not knowing what it'll be like. Some days are ok, some are pure hell. I know I'll be falling to pieces as soon as June 28 gets here. I know exactly 2 weeks later will be when my son went to Heaven. I miss him so much, I wish I had an idea of when I could see him again. I mean at least while he was here I got to look forward to seeing him in like 2 days. Now all I can say is I will see him again one day. One day could be 60 years from now, but to be honest I don't know if I'll make it that long without him. I believe people can die from a broken heart. When I die my heart will be broken because I lived so many years without my child, without a piece of me.

Soo for Kayden's Angelversary, we are going to do a balloon release, I'm asking only a few of my good friends who've been there for me to come. When I say been there, I mean the ones who didn't disappear after his service. I had a lot of people who disappeared afterwards. And that's when I needed people most. My GOD I LOST MY SON! It's not like losing a parent, husband, or friend. IT IS YOUR CHILD, A PART OF YOU. I've always said there is no love like a mother and her son. I formed that bond with him when I carried him for 36 weeks. I loved him from the first time I heard his heart beating. That is something no one can possibly understand unless they've got a child I guess. And even still some people may not get it. So anyways, I do ask anyone anywhere if you remember please release a white balloon for Kayden for his 1 year in Heaven ♥

So I told Kayden one day that I wish I could just hear his heart beating one more time. The most amazing thing happened. I did! I did hear it! I found a video of my detailed sono of Kayden & Alexis. We watched Lexi's then put Kayden's in & sure enough when they were measuring beats per minute I HEARD HIS HEART BEAT! My little Angel is still helping me now! That is amazing, I'll cherish it forever because I can hear his heart beat any time I want to ♥

Until next time....

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Broken for a lifetime....

Geez, it's been like a month since I've blogged. I guess I'm past due.

I got a job, finally after what 10 months of looking pretty much? I started looking in August. It's not the best in the world, and I hate it but it's a job and it's money. Yep, that's right I hate it. I've never liked fast food and never will, but besides that. I liked taking care of my son and that is what I'd much rather be doing than out working. I'm still trying to adjust to it, and so far not having luck. Every evening when I get off I go to the cemetery to sit with Kayden....last week my first week, I cried every day one day a good half hour. I miss him so much and working and acting like things are okay, being around all those people who have no idea about him or who he was just makes me sick to my stomach that they don't know he existed. It makes me sad also.

My life has never been easy. I grew up without a father, my mom did all she could for us to be sure we had what we wanted. I was a hard kid to raise because I always wanted the opposite of what she wanted me to have or what she wanted me to do I do the opposite..I guess that's how I ended up with 4 kids before I'm 25 lol! My mom went to work to take care of us and after that, my school work went down hill and I would lay out of school. I regret that, I wish I would have graduated with my class instead of getting my GED a year early. I got hit by a car when I was 14 and lived with only a fractured back, bumps, scratches & bruises. I met the father of my kids when I was 16 years old. I got pregnant and lost a baby right after turning 17...I had my first baby a week after turning 18. Then I just kept having them lol! No but really, I did have kids at 18, 19, 21 and 22. I never would have thought I'd lose a child at 23. I did though, I lost my 3.5 year old at age 23. I've raised 4 kids practically on my own with help from my mom. Now I'm trying to make it in this big ole world. I smile daily and talk and laugh with people. I talk to strangers or well my customers daily like I'm perfectly fine, I put a smile on my face and I'm 'happy'....but I've got a secret for you.

I feel lost, alone, and afraid.

I'm lost in the world, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. With Kayden I knew who I was, I enjoyed taking care of him and I had a somewhat stable life. He was very sick, yes. But we were happy and we were secure in our life. I keep asking myself..WHERE DID WE GO WRONG? What happened? I feel alone, because with Kayden I felt like I had someone, I know I have my other kids but I don't have him. My family will never be complete. A part of our whole is far away from us. I'm afraid I'll forget who I really am in the world. The world has a way of corrupting people. I'm afraid it will me & I'll forget the person I am. I am a mother of 4 kids, I'm a mother who lost her child to a congenital heart defect, I want to make a difference in the world for another family in memory of my son. I want others to KNOW my son's story. But  working all the time I'm afraid I'll forget all of this. Or afraid I won't have the time to do any of it or remember who I am and what I've been through. No matter what though I will NEVER forget my son.

This month is hard on me, June 14 will make 11 months since I held my son for the last time. It also makes 1 year since he was admitted to the hospital to be evaluated for a heart transplant and listed. He was admitted in cardiogenic shock. June 28, makes 1 year since my son was listed status 1A on the transplant list for a new heart. My heart hurts when I think back and say this time a year ago I was taking care of a critically ill 3 year old and that life was easier than this shit I deal with now. I ask God all the time why he took my son. It makes me sad because not many of you know either that I also had a very serious birth defect. I had a congenital diaphragmatic hernia at birth. I had surgery at only a few hours old & my mom was told I probably wouldn't make it. But I did, I'm a survivor as many of my CHD friends are except I'm a CDH survivor. My mom didn't know about it when I was born, so they weren't expecting it but when I had trouble breathing they rushed me to the NICU. I don't understand why God let me live and not my son. I wish he would have just let us both live because now I live with this pain every day of losing my son.

I don't know how else to put it except, no one has a perfect life. There is no such thing as perfect, if you think life is perfect you need to be hit with reality. Reality is me going to sit by my child's grave and cry daily. It's having to send goodnight kisses to the sky every night or hug a Mickey Mouse pillow to get a little scent of Kayden because it was with him until he took his last breath. It's having to explain to my 2 sons and my daughter what happened to their brother when they become an age they can understand. It's having to explain to them that no matter where they go in life that their brother is their guiding light, he will shine bright just for them and watch over them & keep them safe. It's having to release balloons on the anniversaries, or birthdays or special days instead of cakes and presents and games! So when you think you have a perfect life, stop and remember reality could hit you at anytime so stop pretending to be a teenager still.

When you think your life gets hard...just remember all this sweet little boy went through and still kept a smile on his face ♥ ily Kayden James



Tuesday, May 15, 2012

10 months..

I've been slacking on my blogging. I just haven't had the time and really I don't right now because I'm so tired!! So yesterday was 10 months since I held my son for the last time & told him how much I'd miss him & already did....it was 10 months since Kayden went to Heaven & it was a hard day, it's in the double digits now....meaning in 2 short months..it'll be 1 year since I've seen that precious face. I realized I hadn't gone through his pictures in a few days and when I did I cried. It was so hard. I miss him so much and I wish things were different. I see so many posts about faith and mending little hearts and although I've seen the mending of little hearts, I've also seen the broken little hearts never be mended, but yet faith remains.

I do celebrate for these families but my own heart is shattered as I do. MY SON WAS MY EVERYTHING. My one fear was losing him. Now I'm afraid of him being forgotten. I'll be doing a donation for Kayden's 1 year Angelversary. This will be things given to the pediatric classroom at UVa, the teacher there was amazing with my child & I want to help her. We'll also be giving things to the Ronald McDonald House. Again in December, I'll do his toy donation which I hope is as big of a success as it was last year.

Somethings I realized the other day and I hadn't really thought about it until then was the first's Kayden will never experience, he'll never have his first day of school, his first t-ball or football game. He'll never have his first dance at school, or his first A on a test. He'll never get to drive a car or have a job. He'll never have his own family.

This all breaks my heart, our future was stolen from us it seems. Kayden will never meet his nieces or nephews that his brothers or sister have. I can't help but think of those things. I wish we could go back in time so I could be with him again, just to feel him. Kiss him. Tell him how much I love him.

Saturday is Lexi's dance recital, we were planning on taking Kayden this year. I hope he'll be enjoying it from Heaven and hopefully he'll be cheering for his sister to do well instead of laughing at how funny she looks lol! He always would say sissy silly. LOL! She's excited & so am I. I can't believe she only has a few weeks of school left & her kindergarten year will be over WOW. Where has the time gone?!

Well I finally got a job, & will start soon. I haven't told many people where because I don't want a few people knowing where I'm at. But it'll get me & the kids our own place within the next few months. YAY. I'm excited about having my own place with the kiddos. Nervous but excited.

Tavion's birthday was on Sunday, Mother's Day....my first without my big man =[. Tavion is now 3. I have two 3 year olds....one lives in Heaven though. I'm so scared. I feel like something is gunna happen to him to. I wish I could overcome that fear...but I can't so I try not to think about how old he is....His birthday cake was Cookie Monster..because Tavion LOVES cookies and I call him cookie monster all the time lol!! His cake was made possible by Icing Smiles, they provide cakes for medical children & their siblings. Also, siblings of a medical child who's gained their wings within 2 years....They were so amazing and what they do is awesome! Bread Craft in Roanoke made his cake and it was just amazing I loved it! I'm so thankful they were able to help us!!!

I'll try to blog more often I just don't have time when I'm so sleepy & so busy all the time!! ♥





Sunday, April 22, 2012

If only..

I had a hard day the other day and then I'm having another today. My heart hurts everyday but a little more today. I feel sometimes I need to take a break from facebook, twitter, or whatever it is. Now I don't want anyone to get pissed or take offense to what I say because trust me if you ever walk this road, you'll probably feel the same way.

I am SO happy for everyone who has had a chance to get their new hearts or who's child is still here even though they haven't received their gift. But I can't help but ask WHY, WHY didn't Kayden?! I just don't understand why some people even have more than one chance and get their gift, or more than one kid who gets a heart. I mean I couldn't even get 1 chance for Kayden, how is it fair?! If I did something wrong I wish I knew what it was. I mean geez he waited 2 weeks, that's not what I call waiting, that's his doctors waiting too long to list him. I also just don't understand why it took 2 weeks to get him listed but everyone else at other hospitals it takes a few days. WTF. So if I went wrong anywhere I think it's taking him to UVa, funny because any other transplant patient I've known at UVa wasn't as bad as him, they weren't vented their whole stay basically, they were sitting up playing. Kayden was playing sitting up maybe what a week & a half out of a month in the hospital!!

I just wonder what things would be like if he got his heart. I wonder how he'd be with his brothers and with Lexi, I mean he'd be 4 now so he would have obviously changed. I wonder if he'd be doing well in preschool, at home of course. I wonder if he'd be potty trained yet because God knows he hated the potty LOL! I did anything and everything I could for him, he was my life for 3.5 years whether it was caring for him with his cleft, or his heart. Or if it was just being his mama! I made him my life, that's more than some people do so WHY DID GOD CHOOSE TO TAKE MY SON?!?!

I know I can't continue to be mad at God, and I think I'm over that really, at first I was mad, I was mad at everyone, God and the whole word because my baby was taken from me. Now I just can't understand it, I guess I'm not suppose to but it's enough to make me crazy. I feel like I'm on a dark road with no lights, my lord does it ever end?! I don't go to church, I do believe in God and I have him in my heart or else I wouldn't have made it this far & he knows it. But I don't go to chuch. I want to. But I can't. I cry when I go, and I don't know why, maybe I am still mad at him for taking Kayden and I just won't admit it. I don't feel mad but maybe I am. I don't have anyone to really talk to about this with, I don't want to talk with my mom because she's like me she misses Kayden with every bone in her body too. I don't know how to get over it and stop crying when i go to church, I mean I've got a bunch of strangers staring at me like I'm crazy because I cry during the whole service lol! But geez how can I not?! He has my son beside him and he should be beside me!!! How do you deal with a situation like this?


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

There's always sunshine after a storm ♥

That title is a little corny, right lol! Well, GREAT news. Tavion had his echo with Kayden's cardiologist on Monday & today Alexis & Isaiah went. They all have normal hearts! That is such a big relief, I was so worried. I wouldn't have stopped until I got them checked. Kayden's heart was always so different, and for that he'll always be special. I've tried explaining to people how unique he was but not many people quite understand that. Kayden had dilated cardiomyopathy & they though ebstein's anomaly at birth. His DCM wasn't like a normal case, his was on the right side. & it took 2 years well when he went to Boston to decide his ebstein's really was just a displaced tricuspid valve with severe regurgitation..His cardiologist still hasn't seen anything like Kayden's DCM & Kayden was diagnosed prenatally so it's been a little over 4 years. If I could go back and change anything about Kayden's medical care, it would be to do his transplant work up sooner so that way they could have just listed him and the transplant stuff would have been done, maybe he would have waited longer or got his new heart. I hate wondering, but I guess it's human nature to wonder and second guess. Back to the corny title, no matter how much I miss Kayden, the sun has started shining because the other kids hearts are good, we have a clean slate and hopefully it'll stay that way. I'll always know in the back of my head it's possible they could develop DCM later in life so I'll continue to watch them closely but for now I know they are fine ♥ I miss my baby boy more than anything and if I could have him back I'd be the happiest mom on Earth!

Tomorrow I start my refresher math course and my nursing classes start next month. I'm one excited mama, I've got a 250 word essay to write on why I want to become a nurse, which I think will be easy to write, if I could just get it started lol! I hate starting essays haha they always sound funny!! I just wish my inspiration was here to see me doing it! It's all for him!!

On another note, I'm hoping to get more members for our Mended Little Hearts group in Roanoke, so far I've only got a few people. We still need like 7 more to actually have a meeting and send in the paper work to get chartered!! AHH I wish things happened over night, but I know all about waiting so I guess that's what we continue to do ♥

Friday, April 6, 2012

It's been awhile..

I've been neglecting my blog...ok so not really. I've just been so sleepy anymore at night and can't hardly keep my eyes open. SO since I just woke up about an hour ago, now is a great time to catch everyone up!!

Soo I've got exciting news, I start school on May 14 for Practical Nursing...Hopefully in the next 15 months I'll be an LPN after passing the exam. It's a 14 month program but to start out I'm gunna probably take a refresher math course. IF it were a 14 month, my graduation date would be July 14. That day will be a date I NEVER forget, **takes deep breath**, it's the day my son left this world, he took his last breath & went to live with the Angels. It's hard for me to believe that in 3 months it will make 1 year since I was forced to say my final see you laters to my child. That makes me so mad, he should be here to hold my family together when I go live with the Angels...And it hurts my heart now & will forever. I love and miss Kayden with EVERY muscle, bone, whatever in my body & NOTHING will change that I don't care how many people say it gets better, well it's been almost 9 months and it's gotten worse if anything I miss him so much...Although I did read in a book it was something like this--When all you see is your pain, perhaps that is when you lose sight of me. Which is true, so thankfully that isn't all I see, I still have happy times, but I do cry, and I do hurt..BUT I can be happy because Kayden is happy.

Today officially started Alexis & Lyndsee's spring break. They are out until the 16th, so I'll have tons of fun trying to keep them occupied lol! They are already fighting haha!! They don't get along but I guess that's to be expected from 2 girls the same age.

Monday afternoon I'm taking Tavion to Kayden's cardiologist to have his heart checked, Wednesday I take Alexis & Isaiah. Please say a prayer for them that their hearts are fine. Tavion & Isaiah had fetal echos which were fine, but if you know DCM well then you know it can develop at anytime & also Kayden's cardio said fetal echos can't tell everything so it'd be a good idea to check them. Alexis has never been checked. Tavion is the only one I have worries about. He doesn't eat much which maybe it's age but I have nothing to compare it to when it comes to boys, Lexi never went through the not eating stage & neither did Lyndsee they've both always been pigs haha! Kayden ate all the time until his heart got worse then his appetite was the first thing to go...So just some extra prayers please.

I know praying doesn't help everything. I don't care how many people say that's not true, but I have proof. I prayed every night & day over my son for God to keep him here. We had people all around the world praying for Kayden...& God still chose to take him home. So I know praying doesn't always help. Some say they are thankful for unanswered prayers. But that is one I will NEVER be thankful for. I will not wish Kayden back because I know he's better off in Heaven BUT I would love to go back in time and pause it for a little longer so I could have more time with him. I miss everything about him. Sometimes I go open his drawers in his room just to see his clothes, I can feel him and see him in everything still.

Until next time loves, have a great Friday & have a GREAT Easter Sunday & enjoy it with your family ♥

Friday, March 16, 2012

Better late than never..

I've been needing to blog for some time now. I've just been horribly tired the last few days..so I'll blame it on the time change thing! Well if you've been reading my blog and followed Kayden's story you know March 14 was his 8 month Angelversary & 1 year since he was admitted to CHB for his open heart surgery. If you're new to my blog...well now you know lol! I put 3 heart balloons at the cemetery on Wednesday for the 3 weeks he was in the hospital. Those were the 3 most stressful weeks of my life being away from my babies. Until June/July 2011. Now that was a piece of cake compared to my life now.When I wake up in the mornings I have no idea what the day holds for me, I don't know if it'll be a good day, or a crying day all day..or it could start good and end up a bad day...I just never know so I live second by second. 
A friend of mine got her job to donate a bunch of food to Mended Little Hearts for their food bags to take to UVa, so that was so awesome of them, huge thanks to United HealthCare for helping heart families in need ♥ 
That was always one thing I hated doing was leaving Kayden to go eat, so the food bags were a huge help, I could just have a snack. The only time I'd leave is if he was sleeping, because he was intubated and couldn't eat and it would break my heart when he'd reach for my food!! Or my drink so it all got hid!!
Today March 16, was the day before Kayden's open heart surgery last year. I'm changing my Facebook picture daily to a pic of Kayden 1 year prior! So today's picture is his big beautiful face the day before his surgery!! My little man was such a little fighter, he always always ALWAYS had a big huge smile on his face!! 
Tomorrow I will be making a heart shaped cake for Kayden's 1 year surgery anniversary & we will be releasing 1 heart balloon and 2 white balloons. The 2 white balloons represent his Angel wings & the heart obviously represents his big little heart, in other words it means, your heart has wings ♥
Kayden's strenght deserves to be remembered so I will continue to honor him! This year I'll be doing his toy drive again at UVa, I'll post more details about that probably in July or August!! This year Kayden's birthday will be on a Friday, so the toy donation will be done on December 20 again! 
The day before his open heart surgery at Children's Hospital Boston
Kayden's heart balloons!

On another note, I'm happy to say I've lost 4 lbs since January woo hoo go me!! I've been walking and doing workout videos and I'm watching my calories. I'm on week 2 of actually logging all my foods so I've done great the last 2 weeks!! I've still got awhile to go to get back to what I want. But I've settled with if I get down to 120 lbs I'll be good...BUT if I do that I might as well keep losing the last 5 and get to 115 my pre baby weight with all 4 kids..Do you think it's possible? I think so! I'm determined to get this done and know it'll be well worth it, just like smoking! April will be 2 years since I've been smoke free WOO! Go me! Thanks to Kayden and Isaiah really but it's good that I had the strength to not start again! Anyways I'm off to walk so I hope you guys have a wonderful day ♥ Do something to honor Kayden this weekend, he deserves it


Thursday, March 8, 2012

Quick blog for the day..

This is gunna be short and sweet because I've got to leave soon to get Lexi & Lyndsee from school.

So I was talking to a friend of mine this morning and we were talking about Kayden and his surgery and how it's been almost a year ago since he had his open heart surgery. Well I was saying, it's weird ya know because it's like it happened to someone else. It feels like it ALL happened to someone else. But it's true, it did. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. The person I was a year ago didn't know the loss that this new person knows.
You see that picture? That's the old me, that's who I don't know anymore. The little boy, he is an Angel now, he's no longer walking on this Earth, so therefore people don't know he existed. They say aww your kids are so adorable, how old are they. When I answer, I will still tell them about my baby because he will always be my son, my child, my little man.
This person didn't know what was ahead of her, she didn't know 4 months later her son would go live with the Angels. She didn't know that a year later she'd be sad over a day because it was his 1 year surgery anniversary. She thought he'd be with her.
You see her? That's me. Sure I smile, I smile to hide the pain, I hide the tears and hardly show the emotions that my body feels. My chest hurts, I literally feel the aching in my heart, it's been shattered and I can't pick up the pieces and move on. I will always live with a broken heart. When you see her, you'll never know the pain, the loss, the things she knows. I look like every ordinary person, little do you know I'm not the only one out there like this. We can be anywhere, the person riding next to you on the bus, the person next to you at a stop light. Maybe you pass me in the grocery store with my 3 other kids. Who knows, so don't judge people that you don't even know. I still don't know my future, a year from now I may be someone else. But for now, I'm lost in the woods and trying to find my way out. I'll put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward, I will keep being the mom to my other kids, I will keep visiting my Angel every day at the cemetery until I feel I don't need to go everyday, I will for now because I feel close to him there as I do in his room.
I will never get over losing Kayden, I'll act fine but believe me I'll never fully be okay. ♥ 

Sunday, March 4, 2012

A Sunday night with me...

Tonight was finally the season premiere of one of my favorite shows EVER ARMY WIVES! I couldn't wait until it came back especially since I thought last season was it, but then they said at the end of the last episode they'd be back in 2012! I was super excited! Well, it's kinda sad though because Kayden use to watch it with me if he was up sick, or wasn't in bed yet. Last season my big man was still with me and last March we were in Boston watching it ♥ I miss him so much, I don't want to give it away from people who haven't got to see it tonight, but it made me want to cry so much because I could relate to a lot.
I wonder what Kayden would look like today, what would he have been like as a 10 year old kid, how would he have been with Isaiah or Tavion now? What career would he have chosen as an adult? Watch him get married, have his own family. I have lost it all. I don't have that future anymore. Him being a toddler is all and I have to accept that as being enough as hard as it is. 

Anyways enough sad stuff..I love Pinterest lol I love getting recipes mostly and the crafts! Well tonight's dinner was a pinterest inspired dinner! We have a baked potato casserole, corn casserole, lima beans (because Lexi hates corn), and an ice cream sandwich cake! It was freaking amazing! I suggest you guys try them!! I'll be sure to include the links for the recipes ♥ 
The Ice Cream Sandwich is super easy and I don't have a link for the recipe but it's this:
12 Ice Cream Sandwiches
2 Containers of Cool Whip
Mini Chocolate Chips

1. Layer the dish with 6 ice cream sandwiches.
2. Add layer of cool whip, use 1 whole container.
3. Add 6 more ice cream sandwiches.
4. Add another layer of cool whip, use the last whole container.
5. Add mini chocolate chips. And put in the freezer until it's ready to eat!

This is for a 2 layer cake, you can do a single layer and use 6 sandwiches and 1 container of cool whip.

Here are the pictures of my wonderful dinner =]


Baked Potato Casserole
http://www.verybestbaking.com/recipes/143635/Baked-Potato-Casserole/detail.aspx

Corn Casserole
http://smokymountaincafe.blogspot.com/2011/08/corn-corn-and-more-corn-casserole.html

Ice Cream Sandwich Cake

Sunday, February 26, 2012

People who don't have kids should...

I just have to vent over this for a minute.

If you know me then you know I've had 4 kids. You know I had a hard time losing weight after Alexis and stayed in the 130s-140s after her. You know after Kayden it was easy to lose weight getting myself down to like 120-125...After Tavion it was impossible and after Isaiah I've had a hard time, from being in and out of hospitals with Kayden, stressed, etc. So after watching some videos and reading, I get sick of seeing people who don't have kids say we use our kids as excuses about weight loss, saying we have kids so we're too busy. I admit some people will use that. BUT what about people who really have no one to watch their kids, can't afford to pay for a gym membership, can't get away from doctors or hospitals because they have a special needs child, or how about the ones who flat out can't afford the fancy healthier food?! If you don't have kids you have no clue what it's like trying to lose weight after having a child. You should not judge and say we use them as an excuse. Instead of telling them it's an excuse give them a bit of different advice. Find them alternatives if they can't afford the gym, or can't afford your diet foods, or your healthier options. Or afford daycare, we aren't all fortunate enough to have a mom, dad, brother, or sister to watch our kids and sadly a lot of our friends have nothing to do with us because they think it's a disease to have a baby so we're no longer fun anymore.

I for one have decided this, I love food too much lol it's true, always have always will. Before I had kids I could eat anything and never gain a pound or show it. And even now I can eat what I want and I still don't gain weight and it doesn't show, my weight is still from after I had Isaiah, Tavion, Kayden & Alexis. I weigh myself at least once a week sometimes more out of curiosity because I'm trying to lose it in my own ways. I've been managing my portions, drinking nothing but water, I did drink a juice one day because I LOVE cran grape juice lmao, and I've been doing some home work outs that I've found online through youtube or just googling. I'm losing slowly but that's all that matters! I'm trying to get my muscles tightened back up in my tummy, because after having a baby those muscles get lose and flabby lol google it it's true, or you already know from experience. I've lose about 3 lbs in a month and most of it came off in the last few weeks when I've actually became serious about giving up soda. Over the last few days I have been eating smaller meals 5 a day and sometimes because I am so busy during the day it's not even a meal it's a grab and go snack or like a granola bar or something haha! I'm going to prove all these psycho's wrong that you don't need a gym to lose weight, you don't have to buy expensive diet foods to lose weight. You can do it at your own pace and in your own way. But you do have to commit to it, especially doing like I'm doing, it'll definitely take longer but you don't have to give up food. Yep I still eat ice cream, I really don't eat sweets anyways but I've went to a couple birthday parties and Alexis' so I've had a piece of cake, so don't give up stuff just don't eat a huge piece like you use to. I still don't think I've ate more than I ever have. I eat about the same, I've just got to get rid of the baby weight I never got off before. It's hard when you're stressed because stress can keep weight on you. I've been trying to keep myself more relaxed and not stress over a lot. But it's still hard because of Kayden, I stay paranoid about my other kids and it's still hard without my baby. My rant is done. But I hope these people who don't have kids will stop judging us and saying we use them as an excuse, you don't know what it's like so chill the eff out. Oh and if you have 1 kid you don't know what it's like having 3 or 4 kids so you probably shouldn't judge the ones who have more. Having one kid that doesn't have any special needs is a piece of cake, unless you have no baby sitter, etc. If you've got 1 kid you can put them in a stroller and go for a walk. So this is mainly for my fellow mommys who have 2 or more kids, and have a harder time.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Just another hard night.

Today was such a good day, I felt like I got a lot accomplished even though I didn't do a whole lot lol! I mean I did what needed to be done. Well it went downhill at about 5pm. All the kids decided they just didn't want to listen to me so they went wild, my mom is sitting on the couch doing nothing because she doesn't feel good so it was 4 against 1!! And ya know if you actually KNOW my kids and Lyndsee then you know that they can get H Y P E R!!!!!!!!!!! Well anyways fast foward, Isaiah decided he wanted to pull over the table we have a few pics of Kayden on and one of those green plants that someone sent from his service...So the dirt went everywhere on the carpet, the table fell and hit Isaiah, he may have a black eye maybe not. But it just upset me because I tell them ALL the time, leave the table alone, don't touch it...but they don't listen. I know Isaiah doesn't know any better he's not even 15 months old. But it's just upsetting because it's Kayden's stuff. Even one of his little puppy stuffed animals sits on it and it got dirt on it. Oh but before this, Tavion knows better than to mess with Kayden's stuff he hasn't done it in awhile, tonight I went in his room because I kept hearing something and he is under Kayden's bed pushing it up with his feet!! UGHHHHH!!!!!!! I know Kayden's stuff won't stay out forever, and I know kids will be kids. But Tavion has been told and told and he's left it alone for so long and tonight he just decides he wants to push my buttons. Thank goodness it's bedtime and they are all sleeping...EXCEPT TAVION!!! Go figure, he doesn't know what sleep is!

So tonight I've been having a hard night, I'm missing my baby so much!! I can't understand why God chooses some people to lose their child. Does he think we're not good enough to take care of them or something? I hope not. I try not to think that but sometimes I do and I can't help but cry!! I try to hold the tears back but sometimes they come out without notice...My heart still aches for him, I physically feel it. I just wish I could find my place again, I once knew who I was and now, I feel like I'm lost inside a cave and I can't find my way out, and no one is coming to find me!! I can't understand this, God took my baby home, but yet he isn't helping me any with this job thing, or getting out on my own. That's discouraging. And I can't help but question my faith anymore or question anything anymore. I mean geez it's been pushing 7 months since I've been searching and applying, I've applied to SO many places I can't remember where all I've applied. How sad is that?! Ugh! My heart just hurts so bad, I know I can't live in the past, and the future hurts to much to even think about, so I try to live in the present but some days that's even too much to bare. What am I suppose to do?! Go to therapy?! WTF for because I miss my son?! No sorry that won't help nothing is going to help me because a fucking therapist doesn't know wtf I'm going through, only someone walking this road knows how I feel and can relate to all of this!! Anyways this blog will be continued on another bad night, which I know I'll have ♥