I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas to ALL!!

I hope everyone had a MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Today has been perfect!! It was Isaiah's First Christmas & he's only a week old and still got presents!! To top it off it turned out to be a white Christmas, that's the first one I ever remember..Last year it was just left over snow and this year it was actually snowing so it was so beautiful!! The kids had such a great day today, Kayden got all kinds of cars & ramps, & his wagon which he LOVES! Lexi got a lot of barbies & babies, & she got the We Did It Dora she wanted & a Hello Kitty bike!!! Tavion got his Weebles Wobble toy & a little people's garage & a bunch of music stuff..He's my dancer/singer lol!! Mostly dancer probably!! Lyndsee got a bike, babies & barbies!!! So they enjoyed their selves ALL day!! Well when I was taking my sister home this evening we were listening to Christmas music & I was just listening and everything going through my mind about today!! I was just trying to actually take it all in since I haven't had much time to do that today!! I just wanted to cry I had tears in my eyes because I felt so much joy & I'm so grateful for what I have and for the people I have in my life!! My kids for one I'm so thankful and beyond blessed to have 4 amazing children!! I'm so glad I finally have all my little loves with me that made today just perfect!! Plus next year has A LOT ahead of me, Kayden & Alexis...She will be 5 February 9, she will start kindergarten next Fall, which means my little girl isn't so little anymore =[..She's not a baby anymore, she's actually turning into a little person & before I know it another 13 years are going to be gone & she'll be graduating from high school!! It's ridiculous how time flies by it makes me sad, but I KNOW they have to grow up eventually lol!! And Kayden...oh Kayden, Kayden, KAYDEN! lol Next year probably has many, many, MANY obstacles ahead of him..They will be evaluating him for the transplant soon, and if it turns out his heart's bad enough they will put him on the transplant list, which means he MAY have a transplant next year, or a few years depending on how long it takes!!! So as much as I hate saying this or knowing that it is very possible, I don't know if God will let me have him next year for Christmas so that REALLY breaks my heart by itself! I'm just so glad today was good for him, and when I put him to bed the last things I said to him..Did you have a good Christmas bubby? He says "yah", Then I said do you like Santa now, he says "yah"..Then I said night bubby love you see you in the morning..and he says "love you"...Hearing those words make my heart melt, he is such a blessing!! I don't think I could survive without that little boy!! I think he is what completes this family honestly!! Then next year I will be graduating with my Associates in Paralegal Studies & HOPEFULLY get a bachelor's in something..I'm actually considering changing all together and getting a bachelors in nursing, that's what I REALLY want to do!! I can't see myself doing the legal stuff the rest of my life but I can see myself doing the nursing stuff! So anyways to wrap this up once again I hope everyone had a great Christmas with their family & friends, and I hope everyone takes a moment to take in your whole day and just realize how blessed you truly are to have the people you have around you!! Whether they are their in person or their in your hearts...Today I was surrounded by the love of my Family & my grandpa was with us all in our hearts, Christmas was his favorite time of year! R.I.P. Grandpa (1-17-99)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I Feel Beyond Blessed..

Well, here it is December 21, 2010. 3 years ago today my family & I welcomed one of the most precious baby boys ever into this world. I knew from the moment I had him my life would never be the same. Although I didn't realize what was ahead of us I knew it wouldn't be an easy road. Kayden was born at 1:24 a.m. that Friday morning & I knew about his cleft & heart. I didn't know what to expect when I seen him, I've always said that you can try to mentally prepare yourself for things but something like that their is no way to emotionally prepare yourself for it. But as soon as i laid eyes on him I was in love, I looked passed it all and I saw my beautiful baby. Although he was on oxygen for a few days & was in the NICU 2 weeks, Christmas Eve 2007 was one of the most greatest days, it was when I finally got to hold him for the first time. Christmas was hard that year since he wasn't home but we all made it work to where we all got to see him & the girls and they all had a wonderful Christmas. Welcoming Kayden into this world was the best Christmas present I could ever ask for. No matter what the next year has in store for my son, I will walk beside him and hold his hand every step of the way, & that's not just for the next year but for always. He's my little miracle and I feel more than blessed to have him in my life..
Baby Kayden, the first night he was home(2 weeks old)
Kayden now =] 3 years old
On another note, we welcomed our newest little one Isaiah James into the world on December 16, 2010. He weighed 7 lbs 11.2 oz and was 20 1/2 inches. He was born at 3:02 a.m...So not only does my family have 1 Christmas baby now we have 2 Christmas babies & we couldn't be more happier! Kayden loves him, he has to hold him everyday, he is very protective over him, I love it. He's such a good big brother, except to Tavion most days lol!! The kids are great with him though, even Tavion is good with him which surprises me since he is only 19 months..
With only 4 days left until Christmas I think we have finally got all of the shopping done, just not the wrapping lol!! Alexis & Lyndsee are counting the days until Santa comes. They are so excited. So far Alexis will be getting a purple Hello Kitty bike from Santa, we also got her a RV barbie thing thats huge & comes with 3 barbies, and alot of other things...Those I just know she'll love. Kayden is getting a HUUUGE firetruck lol it's probably bigger than him, he's getting lots of stuff for his cars, & obviously more cars hah!! Tavion will be getting a little turtle thing that helps him learn I believe & it bounces so he'll be in love!! I'm so excited to see their faces Christmas morning, it's the best feeling in the world to see a smile on your childs face!! And so far it looks like we may actually have a white Christmas this year so that's definatly exciting!!!

Monday, December 13, 2010

I'm thinking I'll be preggo FOREVER!

Ok so I know I'm only 38 weeks..so 2 weeks left, but the way I feel I think I'll be this way for the rest of my life...I mean seriously I've been preggo for the past like 4 or more years or I've had a baby LOL...As bad as it sounds it's not that bad though..I'm glad my kids are close in age because now 5 years from now I don't have to worry about diapers & bottles & all the baby stuff again..This way I can get it done all at once and forget about it..Although I am leaving my options open and getting an IUD after this one is born that doesn't mean I'll have another..Chances are I won't, this day and time 4 kids is probably more than enough!! But I love every last one of them & they'll always get before I do!!
And probably the last belly pic before Baby gets here!

On another note, Kayden goes back to his cardiologist today at 2:15! He's doing very well with eating & playing..His leg isn't as swollen as it was but it's still a little more swollen than his other one still from the cath..He is hell trying to give his medicine's to him now..But hey if I were 3 years old and had to take 6 meds a day some 3 times a day I'd be pissed and run too!! Most of the time I think we're good there has been a couple times he's spit all of it out at me well a couple of them..the ones he has been on for awhile he does good with but the new ones he HATES...He's on one now that's a pill I have to crush he gets it 3 times a day & he absolutely hates it so it's tough giving it to him, yesterday he decided to throw a car at my head so I have a place beside my eye =[...So me & him didn't talk for about 15 mins, then I sat beside him gave him a hug & had a little chat with him..After that he took his meds fine lol!! So I guess that will be what I try from now on if he wants to be mean about it!! The only concern I have still is he's on 2 meds for fluid and still his face looks swollen everyday, so I may ask his doctor about that today if he doesn't notice it. Besides his heart & everything he is doing great, and he keeps telling his baby brother to come out lol! I'm anxious to see how he is with this baby because when Tavion was born the first thing Kayden did was throw a cup at his head =/ lol! Tavion has his 18 month check up FINALLY on Wednesday. It was suppose to be last month but Kayden had to go to UVA..So I'm always anxious to see how big they've gotten at their appointments even now it's fun to see how big Alexis & Kayden have gotten too..So the fun doesn't end once they are a year old lol!! I just hate sick appointments those are the worse =[, luckily I haven't had too many of those except with Kayden.
I love my little sigtags <3 they are fun to make and always turn out adorable!

On to Alexis, lol...She was sick this past Friday and slept all day & night..She woke up better Saturday..then on Sunday, Philip came over to see the kids. He bought them a new game, Gator Golf lol so they played it forever it seemed like, she did her homework & we ate dinner...poor Lyndsee was sick Sunday so she was either sleeping or in the bathroom the whole evening/night...Then about 1:30 this morning Alexis woke up sick..So needless to say they stayed home from preschool today. Both of them seem better, they've been playing so hopefully it doesn't come back! AND HOPEFULLY I DON'T GET IT!! She has her last ballet class today, they won't have another until January..I've got to make some rice krispie treats to take because they are having a little party for the preschool age and tiny tots!

I didn't make Alexis' but it's just adorable =]

Anyways to wrap things up, everythings going great other than my sisters being terrible the past couple of months...Mom is worried she won't get to be there when I have the baby since Heather & her husband aren't around anymore because they want to be childish about everything..And Cindi decided she wants to complain and be a child about the kids & everything else as well..So we really have no one now to help us with the kids except my brother, which he works ALL the time so hopefully I go in labor while he's off work one day lol!!

Monday, December 6, 2010

What is Love?

I found this poem in a group I'm in and I love it!

What is Love?
People think a parent's love is words, flowers and poems.
People think love is rubbing your child's hair,
Playing games with them, and reading them stories.
People think love is snuggling them on the couch, and rocking them to sleep.
People think love is breastfeeding a baby, cuddling them to their breast.
People think love is playing peek a boo and tickling toes.
People think love is buying a toy when you visit the store.
People think love is teaching them to ride a bike.
People think love is going to watch their  child sing in the latest play.
People think love is paying for piano lessons, and 7 am hockey practices. People think love is easy.
That it's happiness, beautiful and patient.
Those things are love. The easy side of love. And that is all that most people will ever get to experience.
But I know something more, that they don't:
I know love is standing beside a crib at 4 am, feeding my baby through a tube.
I know that love is holding a stopwatch to count my baby's breaths.
I know that love is sitting and watching alarms go off on your baby's monitors, unable to do anything.
I know that love is restraining my screaming child so I can insert his feeding tube.
I know that love is giving him medications three times a day. 
I know that love is listening to his heart with a stethoscope.
I know that love is watching strangers poke needles into my son's arms while he cries.
I know that love is driving him to endless doctor's appointments and hospitals.  
I know that love is trying to keep an active baby quiet, during an echocardiogram.
I know that love is climbing onto a narrow gurney to lay beside your child, trying not to disturb his EKG leads.
I know that love is learning to walk out of a hospital room while your son watches you from his crib.
I know that love is signing consent forms that risk your son's life.
I know that love is anger, fear and frustration.
I have learned that love can seem painful, both to the one giving and to the one receiving it. But I've learned that this love is perhaps the most beautiful of all.
This love is selfish, stubborn, born of a determination to fight for your child. It is born of miserable circumstances that most will never have to face. It is the love that will face trials and conquer them.
It is the love I have learned, taught by my son.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Finally, we've gotten most of the Christmas shopping done for the kids...I think Kayden has more than anyone but his birthday is December 21 so we've got to decide what to give him to Christmas and what's for his birthday!! I don't know why but Kayden & Alexis are the easiest to shop for lol!! Tavion is still young so he's hard & Lyndsee just doesn't play with much so she's VERY hard. We got our Christmas tree one day last week, and still haven't gotten it decorated..only lights lol!! I guess that's what we get with 4 kids running around us! Hopefully it'll be done in the next day or two! Anyways, me and my mom took the kids to the Christmas parade this past Friday, they loved it especially seeing Santa at the end! They did good except towards the end they were getting cold and tired! But overall they did great!! Yesterday was Lexi's first ballet show!! I'm so proud of her, she did great!! They all looked so adorable & the whole recital was amazing!! I just can't get over how big my little girl is getting, I REALLY can't believe she will be 5 in just 2 months =[! I love the holidays it's such a happy time of year and I can't explain how blessed I am!! I have the most amazing kids ever & seeing them smile just makes my day...I guess that's why it doesn't matter anymore what I get for Christmas or what I get to do or don't get to do..As long as at the end of the day each one of my babies have a smile on their face I know I've done something right!! They are my life now, it's so weird how 1 little person can make such a HUGE difference in our lives! Our newest bundle should make his arrival very soon as well! My doctors appointment Friday went well and I'm 2cm dilated, with Alexis & Tavion I was 4cm in active labor and Kayden who knows but I was 7cm when I got to the hospital with the tummy ache HAHA..So hopefully we'll have one more blessing before Christmas this year!!

Anyways, another update on Kayden. I took him to UVA on the 2nd, the cardiologists their and his cardiologist here in Roanoke have decided to go ahead and evaluate him for a transplant. He will not be put on the list yet, just evaluated. I guess at the end of the evaluation process is when they decide if he needs to be put on the list. It's a lot to take in especially being around the holidays! They gave me a handbook to read about transplants and so far what I've read it's a lot I have to learn to take care of him..Not to mention it's a HUGE decision whether or not I want him to have one or not...Which of course if the doctors feel it's best then I'll most likely agree with them..But it's a tough decision and it's very stressful, I'm just glad I've got my mom and Philip there for both of us. I think we all probably support each other through all of it because there is no way we'd be able to get through it without support from each other or anyone!! I'm very blessed to have the friends & family I have that have been so supportive! And even the strangers who I don't even know who've been praying for my son, I'm especially thankful for them as well!! There isn't a lot of good people in this world anymore so it's amazing how many people are praying for someone they don't even know!