I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Goodbye 2011

I have to post one more blog before the new year! So this year has been filled with a lot of emotion and a lot of heartache for myself and my family...I came into the year not knowing what it would hold, but knowing that Kayden may not be with us but fighting and hoping he would....My big man was here the first 6 1/2 months of this year. Even though he was in and out of the hospital he still kept on smiling and spreading his love everywhere with everyone. He went through open heart surgery in March, a surgery in which his heart was stopped for a little bit. I worried that it wouldn't start again, but he proved us and many others he WAS strong and his heart took right on over after he was taken off the bypass. I can still feel his touch and I can still feel his kisses and hugs. When Kayden's heart got worse after his Boston surgery my heart sunk. I said if the #1 hospital in the country and one of the best peds cardiac surgeons couldn't fix his little heart then nothing and no one could. My heart still hurts for him, my arms ache & I cry at night for my baby. It will never stop. The pain will never go away. He was unique, one of a kind and there will NEVER be another like Kayden.

I've lived with death everyday and I've seen it, I held an Angel in my arms, I've had to do the one thing a parent especially a mother should NEVER EVER EVER have to do. I had to bury my child, I had to try and explain to my 5 year old daughter that her little brother will not come home. This year has been filled with struggles. Struggles I would never be able to get through if it wasn't for my son. Kayden touched my life just like an Angel, it was like he was truly from Heaven from the time I got pregnant with him.

My hope for 2012 is to give me more strength to get through this awful journey I'm going through. I hope to finally get the foundation started for Kayden that will hopefully help other heart families in need. Kayden was special and his life should be shared with others. My heart will never be healed but one thing I do know is true & thanks to a movie for reminding me, find the one thing you are most afraid of & instead of running away from it run towards it. Some days I think I'm afraid to face the fact I lost my son, so from now on instead of trying to run away from it I will run towards it and cry and scream and kick because it will help me for the moment. I'm afraid to get myself back into the world, I'm afraid bad things will happen because it seems as if bad follows me. I feel like I'm waiting on something else to go wrong. I will no longer run away I will fight and get through this all of it. I will carry Kayden with me EVERY WHERE I go. He is a part of me and he will always be. I kind of felt as if I am leaving him behind in 2011, but I'm NOT, Kayden is with me, he is a part of me. He is going with me into this new year and he will guide me through it and I will make it and come out on top. I love him and Lexi, Tavion & Isaiah more than this world. I hope you all have a wonderful New year & I hope 2012 brings you strength, hope, love & happiness ♥


Friday, December 23, 2011

Just a girl trying to find her way

I can not believe Christmas is already here. Really it seems like it was just now 2011. Where has the year gone? I don't know about yours but I know for me it's been the worst year of my life...I'm not even going to get into it because you've probably read about it all in the past blogs of mine and if you are a friend of mine then you know my struggles and what I deal with daily....Anyways, at one time in my life I knew who I was and who & where I wanted to be. But anymore I'm just a girl, just a girl trying to find her place in this big world...I wish I could figure it out but it's so confusing most days...I guess one day I'll find out who I am again. Until then I'll stay lost in the rain and stumbling over my own to feet like always.....One day I'll find someone who loves me for who I am & want to be in my kids' life...if not then oh well I'm kinda use to doing it alone...I always wanted a family but anymore I just want me and my kids...the rest is just trouble.
Wow so Christmas Eve....It seems like it should still be June!! UGH, I already know the next few days are going to be emotional hell for me..I miss Kayden so much and hate he will not be here but I know he is having the best Christmas EVER in Heaven this year & forever...I'm so glad he is no longer hurting but the pain I feel is horrible...I wish I could kiss him or hug him or talk to him...I caught a little bit of his smell the other day in his room....yea I guess you can say I'm crazy but I did and I knew he was there ♥ I miss that little man =[
So if I don't get to write again before Christmas I want to wish you ALL a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! My heart goes out to all of my other Angel mommies this year I'll be saying a special prayer for all of you ♥

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Struggles Make us Stronger

Today we took the toys to UVa that I've been getting from different people and buying myself. We did this to honor Kayden for his 4th birthday which is tomorrow (December 21). I was nervous about it, because I didn't know what to expect going into the PICU. I mean that's the last place I saw my son alive, it's the last place I heard his voice, the last place I held him, laid with him, and felt the warmth of his skin....when he was warm..not joking either if you have a heart kid you understand. So on the way I was feeling all kinds of ways but something came to me, the quote 'life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain". Kayden taught me that this quote is TRUE!! I mean I did not realize that until today, Kayden did not wait until the storm was over but he enjoyed his life even though he was sick, he was strong, he was an inspiration, he always was my inspiration from the first second I laid eyes on that handsome little baby....For every struggle we face, we will ALWAYS come out stronger, because we are still standing. Anyways, when we got there we took the stuff to the volunteer office & met up with the social worker who is amazing and was SO much help to me & Kayden while he was sick. I always got to see the transplant nurse Sara, she is so amazing. She always answered any questions I had and left my mind at ease when I would worry. Seeing her almost made me cry but I didn't so I was proud!! First we went up to the 7th floor and took a bag of toys to each tree on the Peds floor. Then it was time for the PICU....that was scary but I wanted to and I NEEDED to go in there. I had to. So I took some and put them under the tree and left the rest in the bags for the nurses to wrap..lol I hope they have fun it was a lot!! Then I got to go visit a baby who's mom I met while Kayden was in the hospital...She is also a heart baby who is fighting. She is strong and she's proven those doctors wrong just like Kayden use to, she was in the room right next to Kayden....it was hard to walk by the room and not have the flash back of the night I walked in and my mom was holding my child's lifeless body....I hated that part...but I remembered what I was doing there...I was there to make these kids Christmas better, to make them smile even if only for 5 minutes!! I want them to enjoy the toys they get because for some it could be their last. Kayden's last gift from the hospital was a puppy pillow pet, which is on his bed ♥ When we were finished I felt good, I felt a sense of peace come over me. I think it's what I needed to help me move forward. I have to admit I have been blocking some of it out to not remember that night...but I know I have to face it to bring myself peace. It was hard seeing his nurses, but they remembered he loved Spongebob when they seen the matchbox cars that were Spongebob. Kayden was such a loveable little boy, yes he did have his days and if he didn't like you well there really was no changing that lol. But EVERYONE who met him loved that baby. There was something about him. I think Kayden was truly an Angel sent down to Heaven. When I had my first ultrasound with him, Kayden wasn't there, kinda like wherever he was in this world he just wasn't done yet so he had to finish before he came to me...2 weeks later I go back and there he is....On the way home, the clouds were freaking breathtaking. They seriously looked like Angel wings with Heaven shining through....They were so beautiful, I wish I got a picture for you guys but I was driving lol. I am so glad that Kayden's life will touch so many now. They may not know him, but I know that because of him is why I did this, I know that there is a child in Charlottesville tonight or tomorrow that will have a toy we brought, that would not be there if Kayden were never here. 

Kayden touched us all in many ways, me as his mom. I am SO proud of it, I am proud to say Kayden James Barnes is my son, I am proud to tell people how hard that baby fought through every surgery he went through, how he took the IV's, blood draws, meds, xrays, etc like a little champ. I love my son, I will ALWAYS love my son and today I hope I made him proud of me like I am of him. This helped me I think I'll be able to get through his birthday tomorrow and through Christmas by knowing my little man's life is finally starting to make a difference for others ♥ I plan on doing this every year for his birthday & I'm going to hopefully soon be helping out more with just the heart families as well ♥ 
As I bring this to an end tonight, I hope you all have read this and I hope it has helped you realize what is important over the holidays and not just now, but all year. Our family, that's what matters....Don't worry about your struggles, don't stress over it because they will make you stronger always...Dance in the storm because sooner or later it'll come to an end, so enjoy every second of it. I'm so glad I made everything as close to normal as I could for my little man ♥
HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY KAYDEN JAMES!!!




Monday, December 19, 2011

Not ready for this week...

This week is going to be hard and it's already started..I wasn't ready for it like I thought. My best friends mom passed away last week on December 14. Today was her funeral. I thought I'd be okay but who was I fooling? It was the first funeral since Kayden's, she passed exactly 5 months after him & she was like a mom to me. I practically lived at their house growing up. Her mom was a wonderful person and very strong. She too lost a son, the year before me & Krystle met. I said a few words today and I broke down, it was hard but I'm glad I got something out. Her mom was a great woman and I have a ton of respect for her. I have to be happy for her though she is reunited with her son who she's lived without and missed for many years.
Tomorrow we are taking toys to UVa's PICU in Kayden's memory for his 4th birthday..This is going to be hard there is no way around it. It's the last place I saw my baby alive, it's the last place I heard him talk and held him close. I miss that little face, I miss his smell, I miss his voice, I miss his touch...One thing I've learned is not all things heal with time. They just don't and this is one thing. It will NOT get better, this is the rest of my life right here and I have to try and make the best of it for my other kids' sake.
Kayden's birthday is Wednesday and we will be releasing 4 balloons for him and a wish lantern. I feel like a shitty mom because I haven't bought 1 present, 1 decoration...NOTHING. I should be having a birthday party for my little 4 year old. It's still hard to believe sometimes, but I remember quickly as it's in my face everyday that he is no longer here. I love & miss him more than you could imagine  ♥

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Venting...

Oh I'm so sorry Misty, let me know if there is anything I can do for you!! Even if it's to watch your kids I will!!! Well that's what I heard 5 months ago when Kayden passed away...WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU NOW? Oh so it's been 5 months I should be over it right? Or I shouldn't need anyone to watch Kayden's brothers so I can do to class and finish my degree so I can attempt to start some kind of life and have some stability for them....Yea thats what I thought there is NO ONE...People say shit at the time because that's what everyone else is doing and that's the 'right' thing to do...Well ya know I don't want to hear it unless you freakin mean it....Funny I have a few select people who still check on us to be sure we are ok...Most of them have lost a child too! My mom is the ONLY one in my family who tries to help me anymore, but she has a bitch of a general manager so therefore she can't get off the 2 mornings I go to school...And if I found someone next week, too bad I will not go next week because I'm taking the toys to UVa to REMEMBER MY SON and his birthday is next Wednesday and I will NOT do anything that day except things to remember him. I'm so tired of people not helping me so, I will not be helping any of them anymore!! So now on to my second plan, I'll go to CNA classes when we get our tax refund which will be a 7 week program in the evenings.....That way my mom can watch them and I won't have to find anyone....All I have to say is NO ONE better ask me to help them again....It's ashame when your own family can't even help you anymore, that just shows this world is really getting extremely bad.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Christmas Parade, Ballerines, Birthday Parties & so on...

It's been a little over a week since I've said anything so let me catch you all up. So we went to the Christmas Parade Dec 2. It was okay, I've seen better ones here in Salem. I was glad that Kayden got to see a great one last year, they had so many pretty floats last year..This year it seemed like more people were walking and not many decorations...Tavion of course wanted to run around like he was crazy and got aggravated sitting there. So my mom took him behind us in the grass so he could run around..Then Isaiah got fussy towards the end so I chilled behind everyone with my mom and Tavion lol.
This is Kayden last year at the parade ♥

Alexis had her ballet Christmas show, they did so good! She loves dancing. Again I think last years was better but it was still cute!! She got to be an elf in it & did so good! I'm so proud of how well she's done and this is her second year!! We are thinking about putting her in voice, she LOVES to sing and gets mad at me for not recording her lol. I'm not sure if I want to wait another year or go ahead and do it...I guess we'll see. I'm super excited for their recital in May she'll get to do tap & ballet!!
Lexi after the recital ♥

ISAIAH IS ONE!!!! Okay so technically not yet, BUT we had his first birthday party and had a lot of fun!! Sad Kayden wasn't physically here to help blow out the candle or help Isaiah open his presents! But we know his spirit was here!!! He loved his baby Saiah!! We all got cake in the face except my mom and sister..Go figure lol!! I got it up my nose and I think it's still screwed up because of it...Alexis had it in her ear, Tavion has blue hair & Isaiah got it shoved in his face along with Lyndsee lol!! My sister has all the real good pictures of it because my camera died...go figure I've got the worse luck in the world..
OH AND ISAIAH GOT HIS FIRST HAIR CUT!!! lol

Anyways, Kayden's birthday party was going to be this weekend on the 17th....My heart is aching this week and next and probably the rest of  2011...Let's just say this year has officially been named THE WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE. Instead of lighting 4 candles on a cake, or opening birthday presents & eating cake and ice cream this weekend...I'll be going through toys organizing them to take to the hospital the day before his birthday in his memory!!! So far we've got a good amount I'm so happy, I was worried about how many we would have but we're doing good and still have some to get thanks to those who've sent money through PayPal!! Everyone who donated is an Angel on Earth, they are amazing people for helping remember my son!! On Kayden's birthday we'll be doing a balloon release blue & yellow, Spongebob theme like his party was going to be ♥ I miss that youngin and I will never stop!! I go through the stores and say OMG I bet Kayden would have loved that...I'll probably be doing it 20 years from now...like the moon on the wall I seen at Wal-Mart last night..Kayden would have LOVED it!! He loved the moon I can still here him saying. Night night moon ♥
I'll end this blog with Kayman's moon song so whenever you read this today or tonight, when you see the moon next you will remember Kayden even if it's only for a moment ♥
I see the moon and the moon sees me
The moon sees somebody I want to see
So God bless the moon and God bless me
And God bless the somebody I want to see.






Friday, December 2, 2011

December be nice.

Gosh I can't believe it's already December. I still feel like I'm stuck in July sometimes. I guess that feeling will fade with time. It's scary & hard to move forward but it's oh so dangerous to look back. So tonight was the Christmas parade, I was disappointed because it wasn't as good as previous years. I'm glad Kayden got to see all the awesomeness in it last year lol. I missed him terribly tonight but I'm sure he was there probably sitting on top of the firetruck with Santa lol. Tavion was a little brat but what else is new right? lol the girls had fun of course, especially Santa ♥ Life is so easy when you're young. Sunday is Lexi's Christmas show I'm so excited to watch them, those girls really work hard!! I'll try to get pictures of it to share! Some times they don't turn out very well.

Anyways, December is a busy month for us, Isaiah will be 1 on the 16th, his birthday party is next week as I had planned months ago & Kayden's was going to be the 17th because his 4th birthday is on the 21st. I'm still taking new toy donations for the toy drive I'm doing for the PICU at UVa. I'm a little disappointed because I haven't gotten many and a lot of people said they'd send toys. So since I'm doing this in his MEMORY I'm sure some of you may see why it's disappointing and upsetting to me. We're also doing a balloon release on his birthday for him so if you'd like to release a balloon for Kayden on his birthday the theme is yellow & light blue for Spongebob!!!  Christmas will be hard this year so I'm trying to get the tears out now, I've cried every night the last few days. I miss that little face and his little voice. I have to listen to his videos some days because I miss him sooo much and just want to hear him. When I hear that voice it will make it better some days, but others it makes it worse.

One thing I've seen lately, a lot of people don't want to hear a word Angel mommies have to say with their experience...or maybe it's just Kayden 's & my experience. I'm tempted to just delete everyone no my facebook except my Angel moms & people I know personally. I mean I loved hearing the experience of our CHD Angel's because something that happened to them I tried to be sure our doctors didn't do the same..unless it was absolutely needed. I don't know, maybe they mean nothing by it by not responding to what we say...but maybe they should at least acknowledge when we speak so we don't feel like we're being ignored. My son faught his hardest and I hate saying he was weak so I say Kayden was tired so he went to sleep, he was FAR from weak so I dare someone to say that. I guess we'll see how it goes, if people do keep ignoring what I have to say when it comes to suggestions, or experiences then I will be deleting people from my facebook. I don't need them if they don't want to acknowledge my son was alive and my son did experience similar situations. Happy Holidays everyone! I hope they treat us all well especially my Angel mommies ♥

Friday, November 25, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving..a little late

So I'm a little late but who cares? I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving surrounded by friends and family or whoever you spent it with. We had a good day..considering. I have many things to be thankful for. This year I helped mom cook for the first time ever lol. Lexi helped too, she was soo excited to eat turkey lol. She still hasn't stopped eating it lol..When we were almost done, me, mom and the kids went to the cemetery to visit Kayden. I figured everyone would go since it was a holiday but I was wrong, no one else went. But oh well, I guess they didn't feel like they should. Kayden was and is still a part of this family and I think some people forget that. It's his holidays too even if he isn't here with us. We acknowledge the other kids on holidays so therefore Kayden should be acknowledged too. I mean geez he hasn't even been gone 6 months and this is the first holiday without him. It was hard to do but I had to celebrate the holiday for the other kids just like I will Christmas. After yesterday I definitely don't expect people to go on his birthday or Christmas. I'll expect me, mom and the kids and that's all. If everyone else thinks they should go then they will but I won't ask and I won't make anyone. Anyways, who's ready for Christmas? I'm not LOL. I haven't started any shopping at all not even for Isaiah's birthday who will be 1 here in a few weeks AHHH!! Lexi's Christmas Show is next Saturday so I'm excited to go to it! We were going to take Kayden this year, so I'm sad he won't be there. I've been trying to get old pictures from my myspace page to put on facebook, I've got so many pictures. I'm glad I captured those precious memories I will hold them in my heart forever ♥

Friday, November 18, 2011

Lemme see if I can do this

I hope I get through this with no tears. So it's the night before the Congenital Heart Walk 2011 which will be in Richmond, VA. Technically this is the first thing I've done since Kayden's been gone to honor him. He was such a sweet boy. Kayden was always full of life, he taught me and my family a lot of valuable lessons about life. I now think I can face anything even if I'm doing it alone...technically I will never be alone. Kayden will always be around, he was such a special little boy who made the world a better place because he was here even if it was for a short time. I was so afraid when I had Kayden, I remember being scared of how I'd react to him because I never seen a cleft lip/palate which I wasn't upset because of it I just was afraid of it whether it was bad or not so bad....Turns out once I saw his sweet little face, I looked passed everything and saw my sweet innocent baby boy who was born into this awful cruel world. Kayden had a presence very distinct. You could ALWAYS know when he was around or in a room. He made my life worth living(so do the other kids), but Kayden was different. Everyday I didn't know what was ahead of us. I learned to live in the moment, one day at a time. I took things slowly because with him you couldn't rush anything. I've never been a very patient person but with him, I learned to be. I finally came to a conclusion tonight about the holidays coming. Yea they are right here on top of us and yes I will be decorating and I will be celebrating it for my little ones. I can't say it will be harder because, yea it's a holiday but it's just like any other day. So I can't miss him more on Thanksgiving or Christmas than I do today. I miss him every second of everyday of my life and the holidays will be no different. Yea it will be weird without him but I can't say harder because every day is hard with out him here. His birthday on the other hand that might be a struggle because that's HIS day and it will always be so I'm sure people will get sick of me talking about him all day on December 21. But hey, we all talk about our kids..am I suppose to just forget Kayden existed? NOPE never not a chance...and I don't care if it means watching spongebob all day long on his birthday and doing his balloon release..I will. I live with the most awful pain anyone could ever have, I've lost my child, I lost the baby I carried inside for 9 months, I lost a beautiful person who I created I watched him grow for 4 years(including the pregnancy). I will never forget the first time I held him, or his first step, or his first word. But also I will never forget his first surgery, the first time he got discharged from a hospital which was the NICU, I will never ever forget the day I was told my son was in congestive heart failure, I'll never forget while he was getting his x-ray before heading to the PICU, I was pregnant and couldn't be with him so my mom was, he was crying he hated people messing with him and I sat in the room waiting for him and broke down in tears scared to death of what was ahead of us. I will never forget the day of his first cath that he wouldn't survive a valve replacement and probably not a valve repair either. I will never forget them telling me 'his heart's barely pumping enough blood to his body for him to survive'. I will NEVER forget the first and only open heart surgery. I almost broke down before walking out of the room I left him in for him to go to the OR. I broke down as I turned around...I cried the whole time through the surgery almost. I will never forget the wonderful news that my son done wonderful, after he came off bypass his heart took right over...I will never forget when Kayden had to be admitted on June 14, 2011 for him to be evaluated for transplant. I will never forget that last month I had with my son. I will never forget the phone call I got at around 1:30ish am I will never forget my mom telling me 'you need to get up here, we're losing him' I will NEVER forget the phone call I got after we were headed to Charlottesville, the one NO parent should ever get when I heard the words 'he's gone'. I will NEVER forget holding my son and laying with my son the very last time ever. I will never forget laying my son to rest for eternity. I will NEVER forget how strong Kayden was and I will always be proud of him, I'll always remind his sister and his brothers how brave their brother was. 


Friday, November 11, 2011

Whatever.

I've had enough of everything. I really have....everything and everyone just keep pushing me...I could walk around every day crying all day if people wouldn't think I was crazy....Every time I'm alone I do cry...I can't help it with all thats went wrong in the last few months how can I not? I don't know when the world will end and I don't care how bad it sounds I hope it does soon because I don't know how much more I can take...The only good thing I've got anymore is my kids. I'm sick of worrying about money and how shit will get paid. I hate Kayden not being here. Every one was in bed the other night and I just went and sat on his bed and held onto his Mickey Mouse pillow and cried. That pillow was one of the only things I've got that stayed with him until his last minutes on Earth...I keep asking myself why did this happened? Why isn't he here? Where did I go wrong? And I can't help but partially blame myself because I took him to that stupid ENT who fuckin the did surgery on his ear while he had infections and then the following month he was in heart failure. So yea I do partially blame myself for not taking him back home that morning. I try to remind myself that this would have happened anyways but it's hard when some days I honestly don't feel like this is how it should be. I put on a show, people tell me oh you're the strongest person I know. WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP NO I'M NOT AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT...I DON'T WANT TO BE STRONG. I WANT MY SON BACK!!!!!!!!! I love seeing others who's kids are doing good but sometimes it just makes my situation worse...so some times I don't know if it's good I have these people still to talk to or if I should just delete everyone so I can keep to myself. A part of me died when Kayden went. And who ever thinks I shouldn't say that oh because 'I still have kids here', well here is what I say to you 'FUCK YOU, GO FUCK YOURSELF'....Kayden was and is my son, he's my oldest son, he was a HUGE part of me, Kayden had a lot of love he had the love I have for my other kids but he also had a different love because of his health and what we went through together....So yes a part of me is gone forever it went with my baby....My heart is broken and it will never be whole again. So I may just die of a broken heart...but oh well because there is no fixing it so I hope people just don't even try...Nothing you can say or do will make anything right because he's not here! I'm glad organ donation saves lives, but ya know what about the lives it doesn't save, what about the ones who still die after they get a transplant? Or how about the ones who never make it because there's a shortage because no one wants to donate their organs...So some days I have mixed feelings about it all.. Put yourself in my position and you'd understand..or maybe you wouldn't because this situation hurts too much to even imagine it.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

One more month....

It's almost been 4 months now since Kayden went to Heaven. Each day that passes I think it just gets harder. As the holidays come I KNOW it's getting harder. Our family always did a lot around the holidays. My mom cooked big Thanksgiving dinners and as we got older it slowly got a little smaller but still BIG lol. Christmas time we always had decorations and lots of presents and a big tree decorated in every spot with ornaments we made in school and things we bought. As we got older our stuff disappeared slowly and when I had kids we got ornaments for them. Kayden has 2 because a friend of mine bought him one and we also bought him one. Sadly this Kayden will be represented with another ornament with his name & dates and also we got a Mator ornament and a Spongebob ornament to represent our big man. Ya know I just don't know if some doctors realize that when they don't do the best they can and it shows that if something bad happens that the parents and a family has to live the rest of their life without a child or a parent or whoever because one doctor made a wrong decision or because a doctor didn't feel like testing for something. I'm sure some people may think I'm looking for reasons and answers. But no I'm not. I can understand I've accepted Kayden will not come back no matter how much I cry no matter how much I beg, he's gone. Kayden is gone to Heaven forever he'll never be back here on Earth. But I just didn't feel comfortable with the doctors this time at the hospital. I think it was a wrong move to take him off the carvedilol and I think the kidney doctor didn't do shit because all he did was listen to Kayden and say 'give him more fluids'....The green vomit no one was testing they just didn't think it was a problem. So yes I think the doctors really  screwed up this time. And because they made wrong decisions and were concerned about everything else except his heart I have to live the rest of my life without my son and my other kids will live the rest of theirs without their brother. Isaiah won't even know his brother. And that alone bothers me. Not to mention I found out the other day from another mom her other daughter has dilated cardiomyopathy she found out last month, her older daughter had a transplant a couple years ago. She also told me it's recommended that the siblings be screened yearly for DCM. No one ever told me this. Her younger daughter had a normal screening at birth and at a year old....I had a fetal echo done with the boys so I know then they were fine but what about now? That's scary. Alexis has never been checked because I obviously couldn't see the future that Kayden would have a heart condition. Soo at Isaiah's one year check up I'll be asking his pediatrician his opinion...Until the next time I feel like venting, enjoy your days & spend time and cherish every second with your family ♥

Saturday, October 29, 2011

It's almost Halloween!!

AHH I hate scary movies. I really don't like Halloween that much. I mean I love it for the kids but the scary stuff is a big fat NOPE for me lol. I guess that's where Kayden got it from. Geez I can't believe it's already freaking almost November. I'm learning to live with the pain of not having my baby here. It's horrible but the more I think about it since it's getting cold. At least he doesn't have to worry about getting sick. His little immune system was crap. I felt so bad I told him today good thing he wasn't out in this mess because he'd for sure have ear infections and be in the hospital (if he wasn't already). The sad part is Kayden would most likely still be waiting for his heart transplant. This makes me sad. It makes me sad to see other kids in their Spongebob costumes because that's what Kayden was going to be this year. I was even gunna bring it to the hospital to let him dress up. I hate he isn't here to have fun. I still have flashbacks of him on Halloween last year and the year before. I can still feel myself with him and the way he felt. I miss holding him, I miss kissing him, I miss hugging him, I miss talking to him, I miss EVERYTHING about him. My heart hurts. I feel the ache in my heart. I do dread Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I know the first ones without him will be hardest. But Kayden was so easy to buy for at Christmas and it's going to be HELL for me not to get him nothing. Last Thanksgiving Kayden & I were at UVA and my mom and brother brought us Thanksgiving dinner. It hurts to think of him not being here now. One minute his heart was beating and the next it wasn't...This isn't fair I wish I could go back and change everything and have him here with me...Kinda selfish huh because hey, he is in a better place and he IS happy and healthy. There is no sadness in Heaven, so he doesn't miss me, he's just waiting for me and he comforts me when I'm sad. All I can say is wait for me Kayden, everyday is one more closer to you baby ♥

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Nightmares & Fairytales

Nightmares come true so why can't fairytales? I mean really, we have serial killers walking our streets, child molesters and rapists. We have cancers and heart problems, kids dying, parents dying. ETC ETC ETC....But where is prince charming and where are the princess' and the castles with the white horses and where the hell is the HAPPY ENDING? I was thinking about this today because I've had another bad day. Not just missing Kayden but everything. I mean how freaking sad. My credit card is a payment of $15 and I didn't even have it in my bank account to pay it today because transfers haven't went through..That is ridiculous first time in 6 months it'll be late. I hope once I explain to them why I don't have it until tomorrow they will understand. Most places have worked with me. Cox our cable company..well they've pissed me off a few times not working with me as soon as we get caught up we are switching...I don't want to give ass holes my money when they can't work with us in hard times. I've got a few extra expenses right not that normal families do not have.

I feel like I'm walking through a tunnel that just never ends and it's dark and I can't find the freaking light. This is just a nightmare. Probably worse. My baby isn't here and I miss him so much it literally hurts and aches. I am so thankful for the friends and family I have that have been there to support me. A few have been there for me through my darkest hours and will continue to be there...Maybe one day fairytales will come true...but for now I've got to find a way out of this freaking nightmare that's sucking me in further ♥

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

breakdown #1,000,000,000,000++++

I feel like ripping my freaking head off right now. I swear when it rains it pours, I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a cat 5 hurricane plus....It NEVER ends. I don't see any sunshine in sight either. I don't want my business out there like that because I know how much people like to run their mouth. One day I hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know God will never give us more than we can handle. But then again, I hope he didn't think Kayden was too much for me. He wasn't I would have done anything to have him here with me. I wish I could take his place. Sometimes it's still so unreal, I expect to see him walk out of his room or yell at me to get him more chips. I swear I feel like I'm going crazy some days. And half the time I have to hold everything in just to keep myself together through the day. I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore. I've practically shut myself away from EVERYONE except a few people. I'm sick to my stomach almost daily with all the stress on me. You know I know Kayden's gone, I know he is NEVER coming back. But sometimes I just want to sit somewhere for hours just to think about all the times we had together and just cry until I can't anymore and I can't do that. I can't because it rips me apart and I want to go grab him and give him a huge hug. And theres nothing I can do, and sometimes I can feel him around me I guess trying to comfort me. Surely he understands why I feel this way, I know there is no sadness in Heaven only happiness. But surely he now understands I'm human so it's normal I feel like this. I'll be so glad when the day comes I see my big man again. I would do anything just to go back in time. I keep going back to the last time I spent with him alive, I gave him a kiss and said love you bubby I'll see you in a few days. Little did I know right? I love music, I always have but anymore all it does is make me cry. I can't listen to anything anymore really. Some days I'm okay but most of the time I can't and anything that reminds me of Kayden I can't listen to it. I just have no idea what to do anymore. Night time is the worst. That's when my mind starts racing and everything hits me at once and it's so overwhelming.  I can honestly say I can almost see why people kill their selves after losing a child, because the pain never stops, NEVER. No I'll never kill myself because for one I don't have the balls to do it and number 2 because if I do I'll really never see Kayden again and 3 because Kayden would be so ashamed & I couldn't leave my other kids without a mommy. So no one has to worry about me going anywhere until it's my time to go. Anyways. Enough with this breakdown. I got a good cry out writing this and thinking of my baby boy and how much I wish I had him here to hold on to. So until the next breakdown, have a good night ♥

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Sweet Dreams little man ♥

I woke up this morning in tears. I had been dreaming about Kayden. This was the second one since he passed away, but this was longer and made me so happy to see & play with him. We were playing and having fun he was so happy, then we were in the hospital and I was crying and yelling at the doctors about everything that I still am so confused about. And I told them now I have to live the rest of my life without my baby because they were unsure. It felt so real, I could feel the tears running down my face one at a time and as one fell more followed. But it was so amazing seeing him and talking and playing with him. It's been almost 3 months since I've seen that sweet face. It's been longer than that since I've heard his cute little voice. My heart still aches my arms want to feel him and hold him. It'll be a good day but at the same time it'll be hard, because my dream wasn't reality. I'll never feel Kayden or hear Kayden again in this lifetime. You may say I'm crazy, but all I have to say is no I just lost my child, so if that makes me crazy so be it. But I've been seriously thinking okay so NO I WANT to and I am going to when we get tax money back to talk with a psychic medium. I haven't found one yet but I'm going to. I NEED to somehow be close to Kayden and connect with him. And no amount of doctors or crazy medicine is going to make this better. The only thing that will attempt to make me heal is to somehow 'hear' Kayden. And if that's what it takes so be it, I am crazy and I'll embrace the title. Lose your child and see how you feel and the things you want to do. Because yes I do want to be the best freaking person I can be so I do go to Heaven and will walk beside my son again. People don't understand what we feel like after we lose our kids. I know I couldn't relate to any of my friends who had lost their kid. So I don't expect anyone to understand, all I do know is if you say anything be a little considerate of our feelings. If you have something to say that you think may bother us...JUST DON'T SAY IT!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Everyday for the rest of my life..

I hate nights like tonight. I just want to curl up in a ball go to a corner and die. The pain is so horrible and sometimes feels unbearable. I can't control my tears they just keep coming. I wish I could have my baby back. I don't understand why these things happen. I never will. Kayden was and is MINE why couldn't he stay? It's NOT FAIR! You got drug addicts out here who have their healthy kids and here I am wanting mine back. I hate you CHDs I really really REALLY HATE YOU!! You killed my son and now I have to live the rest of my life like this. I can't even begin to explain how much I miss him or how I feel. I just know I have no clue how I'm gunna do this the rest of my life. I hate to think of how many years I have ahead of me without my baby boy, the tears just keep falling kind of like a waterfall too or like running water that won't turn off no matter how hard you try. My heart aches, my arms are empty they want him so bad. I want to feel his touch, I can still smell him when I go in his room somedays. It kills me that he isn't there and he will never be there again no matter what I say or do. Not many people understand that or can imagine how it feels to lose something that can never be replaced. People say I'm stong, no not really. You have no clue how I'm shattered I am inside. I'll never be whole, I'll never be fixed, I'll NEVER be me again. It's like a nightmare that I can't get out of...WHEN WILL IT END?!?!?!??!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 30, 2011

Somewhere...

Somewhere today a mother is holding her child's lifeless body for the last time. Somewhere today a mother is hugging her child before they head in for surgery. Somewhere today a family gets the phone call they've waited for. Somewhere today a mother is missing her child who's now an Angel. One thing all these people have in common, they are all affected by a heart defect. They are all praying, praying for hope and praying for the strength to get through this awful journey.
I am one of those who misses their Angel, it's almost been 3 months since I held my little boy & cried over him. Kissing his cold head telling him, it'll be okay now he's in God's hands & no longer hurting. My heart breaks for the families who are being told today their baby will have a heart defect. It breaks for the family that's praying while the doctors are trying to bring their child back. My heart is shattered and will always be from hearing the words 'he's gone' they haunt me. I never wanted to hear it NEVER. I miss my baby more than anything and I would do anything to see & hear him. As I was looking through pictures the other night from Boston, I can still remember all of that like it was yesterday, I can still feel Kayden's hand holding mine...I talked to him and told him he's gunna be okay once I seen him. This pain is horrible. It'll never go away I'll learn to live with it eventually but it seems to be getting worse. Each day that passes seems like more of a struggle to get through. Sure you can say I have more kids. They still are not Kayden, they can never take his place. They are the reason I keep going though, I know they need me so it's worth getting up in the morning. I just don't understand why some kids get the second chance at living and others don't..Kayden fought so hard and it's NOT FAIR, he didn't make it. I hate heart defects. They are killing our kids, and it makes me sick how many kids don't make it..Just pray you never ever ever have to feel this pain that I & so many others deal with daily.



Thursday, September 22, 2011

livejournal

If any of you guys reading my blog have livejournal add me. It's another blog site which i'm finally starting to get the hang on lol! I love it because I use to do a lot of designing on myspace, as you can see from my layout I did it. Well I love animation and blinkies so I made a community on there as well where I'm going to my designing...So if you love icons & blinkies or whatever it may be come join me on livejournal as well =]
www.lilsmile2906.livejournal.com
www.eternity-love12.livejournal.com

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Br0k3n into pieces

Well, I don't know exactly what it was that just hit me. I was watching commercials after the movie I was watching went off and all of a sudden I started crying and missing my baby more. I've been missing him SOO much today. It's been a hard day, I guess because I heard about the 2 CHDers today one earned his wings and the other got his second chance at life. My heart breaks to pieces every time I hear either...Don't get me wrong I am so happy they get another chance but it's hard to hear because I can't help but feel the aggravation and frustration and say WHY THE HELL DIDN'T MY CHILD GET THAT CHANCE! Kayden barely had the chance to fight for a heart...I can't help but feel s sense of failure on my part.I should have told them after Boston put him on the transplant list, I knew since November it would come to it eventually...I should have pushed it more but no I thought the surgery would be good...September 17 was 6 months since my baby had his open heart surgery, he was suppose to go back to Boston this month and we were gunna talk about repairing his tricuspid valve futher...but Kayden didn't get that chance. And I'm here with an empty hole in my chest that will never close...I'm broken, broken to pieces and I will never be the same I'll never be healed again. I'm a mess some days and right now I'm falling apart and I have no one to turn to I feel like. No one could possibly understand unless they've went through this. It's harder knowing I'll wake up tomorrow and the rest of my life to Kayden not being there...I miss him so much it's ripping me apart....I just try to hide it but sometimes it doesn't work and I have to fall apart...People say I'm so strong...no I'm not strong, each day is a living hell it's a nightmare I get up each day for the other kids and that's all...if the world ends in 2012 I can't say that I'd be sad...I would be okay because I would then get to see my kid again..but I don't think it's gunna end..no one can predict that, only God knows when that day will come. Ugh I just don't even know what to do anymore....

Friday, September 16, 2011

I wonder...

I use to always say I wonder where we would be a year from now, when I had my big man. Now I just wonder what my life has in store for me. Sometimes I don't feel like there is anything at all here for me but then i look at my kids and know that's what I'm here for. I wonder what job I'll have in the next 5 yrs because hopefully by then i'll be graduated I'm kinda stuck between getting into the medical field like pharmacy for now or just finishing my paralegal degree. Why are these decisions so hard? I've made harder ones. I wonder if I'll ever get married I know I don't want to have anymore kids. I just can't do that after Kayden....I mean if I was single the rest of my life oh well, I don't think it would hurt my feelings. I've had enough heartache for a lifetime. I've been lied to and cheated on more than enough. But sometimes, all I need is someone there. Today has been a hard day to get through, I've cried at the drop of a hat. I wrote Kayden's stroy for a friend of mine who is writing a book on CHD and CDH and she is including stories in it. It breaks my heart because I'm a survivor of a CDH but my baby is an Angel because of a CHD. One thing I know is Kayden will be with me no matter what path I take for the rest of my life. I do know God is taking care of my baby boy and he will hold him until I'm there to hold him again.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Keep Faith & Never Give up Hope

That is all I've lived by basically in the past year...well 3.5 years...Kayden was such an inspiration, I love being around him. He was a child of few words...He knew how to talk but he didn't talk a lot. He sure got his point across though lol. I kept my faith through everything he went through, from his pyloric stenosis surgery all the way until the last time I saw him. I never gave up hope even up until that last second before I walked into his room and saw my mom holding him. I couldn't bring myself to believe my big man was gone. I miss him so much every single day. Today September 14 makes it 2 months since my little boy went to Heaven to become an Angel. It seems like it's been forever since I've seen his sweet little face and heard his cute little voice, but at the same time I'm just like ugh it's only been 2 months....I hate thinking of how long I have without him, I miss him more and more each day. I don't care how many times you people say it, it does not get easier. It will NEVER get easier so STOP telling me that. What it is, is I learn to control the emotions and deal with the pain and the hurt I feel. Kayden was too different he was not a normal child and I will continue to say that until I die. He was so special and he changed my life as well as anyone who knew him. I learned patience with Kayden, I know now as well that it doesn't matter how old you are or how young you are, when God wants you home he will call you home. I lived with death daily for the past year. Worrying if I'd wake up and my child wouldn't be breathing. I would go to his room just to watch him breathe. I fell apart when I saw him in my moms arms that morning. I wanted to die myself just to be with him. But once I got myself under control I knew I had the other little ones to worry about as well..I'll be with Kayden when it's my time.I still to this day and as long as I live I will live by keeping Faith and never giving up hope. Once you lose your faith you lose everything.
Miss you big man I love you so much <3

Friday, September 9, 2011

It wasn't suppose to be him...

I can't help but still feel like that. I feel like I'm going freaking crazy half the time because I'll be doing something and all of a sudden I'm like aww I can't wait to go see Kayden today and tell him. Then it's like you idiot Misty he isn't here you can't SEE him. So my way of it is going to the cemetery daily and talking to him to keep me sane. And not to mention sitting on his bed and talking to him or walking around the house. I really feel like I've lost it. I talk to him like he's here all the time. I miss him so much it is just unbelievable. I don't think anyone knows well let me restate that. I KNOW no one knows the pain I feel every single day unless you have walked this road of hell. Losing a child is the absolute worst thing in this world. I hate coming home to the empty bed, the toys not touched, the un opened hot wheels cars and the clothes that still have tags because he never got to wear them. I cry daily, I scream daily, I would probably sit in a corner like a fetus and cry the rest of my life if I could..I go on because I have to. I've got 3 other kids here who do need em, no not as much as my little man needed me. But they do need me so I have to go on for them. But when I'm alone or now for instance while Lexi is in school. It's me, Tavion & Isaiah. It's hard because Kayden should be right next to me watching Spongebob or Dora or Team Ummi Zoomie...did I even spell that right lol! I miss him SO much it hurts. I feel like I've got a huge hole in me that will not close, the ache in my chest I try to control it but sometimes I can't and it hurts so much. I'm not even kidding either it REALLY aches I hurt I miss him so much. But one thing is for sure I'm no longer afraid to die. I'll be with my baby boy again <3

Saturday, September 3, 2011

I'm getting old...

I haven't really updated much about the other babies. So here is a little of what they're up to...Alexis had her kindergarten orientation on the first. Her teacher is really nice & actually went to school with my sister lol how weird is that lol!! I feel so old I remember my first day of kindergarten so it's weird to think wow Alexis is going to remember this day in like 20 years haha. Tavion is good, he's getting a cold already and it's barely even fall or is it fall yet LOL..So this should be an interesting winter. I first thought it was allergies because he has them BAD but his allergy medicine isn't working and now he's getting a cough as well that's not sounding too great. He's still mean as ever. He gets up all the time at night, he doesn't like to sleep in his room by his self. He misses Kayden. Soo we have figured a way out to put Isaiah in their room without taking Kayden's stuff out of there! So we'll do that soon....Isaiah on the other hand is almost 9 months old and he is trying his best to walk! He's pulling up and he'll walk with me if I take is hands and walk with him. He's also getting a cold booooo =[. He stayed sick a lot last winter I was hoping his immune system would be better this year since he's older, but I'm kind of worried now. It's so weird with them having a cold because I'm like oh it's no big deal look what Kayden went through. But I know a cold can always turn into worse. So for now it's just watching it and hoping it doesn't get bad. Yesterday, the kids were playing in the boys' room and Isaiah crawled in there and he went to Kayden's bed and pulled up. He was so happy he was smiling and everything. He hasn't been like that in awhile so I about wanted to cry because I didn't know what he was seeing or what was going through his mind. Kayden loved Isaiah he was probably his favorite. And Isaiah really calmed down after he was in there. I got a picture of it but I haven't put it on my computer yet so I'll share it soon!! Everyday is still hard to get through. I feel like I'm putting one foot in front of the other and not really paying attention to what I'm doing. I miss that kid so so so SO much. I just want to hold him and wrap my arms around him and never ever let him go.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Light off of an Angels Wing

Everyday just about since Kayden's been gone I think I've looked to the sky and seen sunbeams shining. This evening at the cemetery I looked up and they were SO bright & shining all the way across the sky above him. I said to my mom, it's like it's the light shining off of Kayden's wings. The sky has seemed so beautiful and so bright. The clouds just don't seem so far away anymore. The butterflies and the flowers seem more peaceful. I look at everything in a different way anymore. My Angel is doing this. He is the light in the sky in the mornings, he is the peacefulness I feel when I see a flower or a butterfly. He is in the nice evening breeze. He is all around me no matter where I am. I feel so bad for what I'm about to say and people may even think bad of me but don't judge me unless you have walked the exact same road as me, seen and heard the EXACT same thing I did..NOT similar and NO you don't understand until you had Kayden heard the doctors speak of Kayden and heard Kayden for yourself. But I now feel kind of like this is how it was suppose to happen. I still feel him everywhere it's like he is still here I just can't reach out and grab him. The ache is still there in my arms wanting to feel his touch. Wanting to kiss him goodnight and sing our moon song or hear him say 'go way me'. That's all there but I just feel him everywhere I am and this is just how it was suppose to happen. Now say what you want go ahead and judge because that is how this world is, it's full of judgmental people with no morals. Kayden was my everything, he made my life complete, there is a hole in me that will NEVER be filled again, it will never mend. It will never get better. I'm learning to deal with this pain. Sometimes it's hard to breathe like I've forgotten how. Everyday is still a struggle, some are so hard to get through and that's when Kayden lets me know he's there the most. He will ALWAYS be my first and oldest son. He left behind so much to be so little. As Alexis' first day of kindergarten approaches, I think of how I'll never get to see Kayden do that, how he was suppose to start head start this year today actually. And I'll never see that. I will never see him play sports, or get a girlfriend, never see him graduate high school. Never see my young man get married and have his own family. I will never get that so while there are people out here beating and killing their children because they don't want them. I'm here crying and falling apart inside because I will never have any future for my son because he is in Heaven because of a terrible disease. No one understands how serious heart disease is until you've experienced the long road of a heart condition. Life is never easy but it's always full of lessons. I'm learning new ones everyday.

Keep letting those Angel Wings Shine baby boy, I love you & I miss you Kayden.


Thursday, August 25, 2011

I am strong because I am weak...

I want to share this quote it's been a favorite of mine for sometime now. And if you have me as a friend on facebook you know I made it my status just now and I have before.
I am STRONG because I am Weak.
I am Beautiful because I know my flaws.
I am a Lover because I am a Fighter.
I am FEARLESS because I have been afraid.
I am WISE because I have been foolish.
& I can Laugh because I've known sadness.

I'm strong because I'm weak: I've made it through so much in the past 3 1/2 years with my son and I have came through it with having a break down from time to time so that made me weak but at the same time made me strong.
I am Beautiful because I know my flaws: I know I'm not perfect. I'm not one of the girls out here who try to be more than what they are. I don't put myself out there to look like a whore like most people my age do. I know I'm not skinny anymore so I don't try to be and wear clothes 2 sizes too small.
I am a Lover because I am a Fighter: I have proven I will fight until the end for someone I love with no end. Which would in any case be my child. I will no longer fight or lose friends over a guy like I have before.
I am FEARLESS because I have been Afriad: My worst fear and a mother's worst fear, losing their child. I was afraid of that it scared me so bad I had nightmares and would wake up crying.
I am WISE because I have been foolish: I would consider mostly everything I ever did in my childhood foolish I did some things I wish I wouldn't had and I did things that I learned from. I wouldn't be who I am now if I wouldn't have done those stupid things.
And I can Laugh because I've known sadness: I had a miscarriage at the age of 17. I lost my 3 year old son...Losing a child, there is no greater sadness on this earth.

I am 23 years old, a single mom to 3 kids here on this earth and 2 kids in Heaven. I have seen things some people haven't seen by the age of 40 or even in their whole entire life. I faced trials at the age of 20 while my old friends were enjoying their college life. While my old friends were enjoying their college graduation I was worried my son would not live through the night. I am 23 years old and I have known pain, I have seen how strong you can be in times where you should fall to your knees and pray for God to take over your life. I have been through more in the last 3.5 years than some have been through in their whole lives. For that I am strong, I AM fearless, and I AM wise. All before the age of 25.



Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My love for you...

As I read about all the heart kids who are having complications or heart kids who have passed in the last week or 2. My heart breaks all over again because I can understand the pain they go through. All I can think of is Kayden and how I miss him so much. But then I have to admit if he was meant to go to Heaven I am glad God took him before the heart transplant. I would have probably killed myself if it were after...ok well not killed myself because then I wouldn't be in Heaven with him..But I'm glad he didn't put me through the thoughts of YES HE GOT A HEART NOW HE WILL BE OKAY! And then have that shattered by him rejecting it and him passing after transplant..My love for Kayden is so unconditional and so pure that I don't think many people could understand it. I love that boy. I go to the cemetery every single day sometimes more than once just to be sure no one has been there messing with anything..because I don't trust some people (names will not be mentioned). I still talk to him and I still tell him goodnight. I sing his moon song to the moon when I see it out. And when I see it out I know Kayden is not far away because he sees the same moon as I do. Kayden was my life for  3.5 years and he will be my life for the next 70 yrs if I live that long. I will do what I can to speak for my Angel and for the Angels with him. My love for him will never die, it will never ever get any weaker if anything it will only grow stronger <3 I miss him with every single beat of my heart but when I need to see that smile..I see it right in my head and when I close my eyes <3

Monday, August 22, 2011

Sweet Child


Sweet Child

God made a sweet child
a child who never grew old
He made a smile of sunshine
He molded a heart of pure gold.
He made that child as close to an angel
as anyone ever could be
God made a Sweet Child
and He gave that dear child to me
Then God saw His wonderful creation
growing very tired and weak
so He wrapped the child in His loving arms
and said, "You my child I keep"
But now my Sweet Child is an angel
Free from hurt and pain
I'll love you forever, until we meet again
So many times I have missed you
So many times I have cried
If all my love could have saved you
Sweet Child you never would have died.

author unknown

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

On the Wings of an Angel

The past few days have been peaceful. And I don't really care how crazy I sound, but I'm gunna say it. I just feel like Kayden is still here. I know it's weird but it goes back to the mother & child bond. Me & Kayden went thruogh a lot together, I carried him so therefore I had him before I shared him with the world. Also when i'm alone I like to think he's next to me. So that's a lot because I don't have many people around anymore. I just stay to myself. It's better that way sometimes. I just like to think that Kayden fulfilled his purpose on Earth, so he went back home to Heaven and that's where he'll wait for me. I don't know why but the sky has looked so beautiful lately <3. That helps too. I am slowly finding some peace in this. I have days where the pain is so unbearable I just want to curl up in a ball and scream and cry for God to take me now. But I know I can't leave these kids. I know my bubba is safe in God's hands right now. I'm excited to get a new tattoo though, I think I've got my mind made up of what I want but of course that may always change lol! As another day comes to an end, don't forget to say a prayer for all our warriors out here fighting. Say a prayer for all of us Angel families, because nights are always worse.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I love you more more more!!

Today is just another one of those days where just about anything will send me over the cliff screaming! I just want to get a few things off my mind. It's my blog so I can say what I want right? I'm going to do a huge toy donation to UVA's PICU and hopefully their whole 7th floor in memory of Kayden for his 4th birthday! I'll be taking the toys the day before his bday which will be on December 20. I'm asking anyone to donate at least one toy if you can't please just don't give me the excuses. I heard the other day from a few people 'sorry I can't times are hard and bills have to get paid'. I wanted to effing yell and scream at them! DON'T TELL ME HARD TIMES!! Do you understand what I've went through and what hundreds of families are going through at this very moment? Their child in the hospital not knowing if they will make it through the night!! ME and hundreds of families right now knowing for the rest of their life they have to live without their child..THAT MY FRIEND IS HARD TIMES. I use to think bills and money were hard times but trust me, the thoughts of how many years I have ahead of me without Kayden that is the hardest thing I will EVER have to do. I think unless you are one of the people in the hospital with your baby or going through the world of CHD or a different health issue I believe you can afford an extra $5 to buy a toy for a sick child that will give them a little happiness when God only knows how much longer they have in the world!!
I keep having flashbacks or day dreams I don't really know what they are of months ago when Kayden was here and me & him were talking. And I can just hear that cute little laugh..It rips my heart out of my chest literally. I do it at the worst times too. I do it driving so we know that's bad. I do it while I'm feeding Isaiah I do it watching TV. I just remember how good he felt when he was home at the beginning of June. I get so mad at myself sometimes because I let them take him off his carvedilol and after talking with another angel mom, her daughter passed away after they took her off the carvedilol because 'studies' show it helps adults. They told me they weren't seeing where it was helping Kayden..I got one question. HOW do you know it's not helping if he is stable? When they took him off it thats when his heart rate went up I believe and well you know what that led to I think they made his little heart beat itself to death. I know I should NOT question it because GOD has the power to help us not man. God had the power to keep Kayden's heart beating. He puts the knowledge in their heads. If he wanted Kayden to stay with us he would have put something in those doctors heads and Kayden would be here with me today. I keep hearing him say 'I love you mo mo mo' lol because he couldn't say more more more real fast. So we'd always say that to each other and also the 'miss you mo mo mo' lol He had the cutest little words and sayings. And I miss that so much. I gave his Mickey Mouse pillow a big hug this morning and said out loud I sure wish I could give you a huge hug right now bubba <3
I love and miss you more than anything Kayden <3

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Frustration

My mom went back to work today, it's the first time since Kayden left us to go to Heaven. So waking up in this stupid quiet house was another day in hell!! I've been looking for a job so I can go back to work and move forward with my life with the kids & Kayden (minus the doctors). But I'm having NO LUCK!! Who is gunna hire someone with hardly any experience other than fast food plus I've been out of work for 4 yrs. I refuse to work in fast food. I hated it then and I hate it now. Nothing will change that. And a lot of places once they find out I have kids they won't like that & some places don't want me because I have tattoos on my arm..WOW my kids' names & bdays and My name on  the other. Woo hoo big deal..It ain't like I got a picture of the devil holding a gun to someone's head !! Today is just boring, and I'm missin Kayden so much. I would much rather be caring for him than looking for a job.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Struggles.

Today has been another day in hell. I miss him so much and sometimes I feel like it hurts more and more each day. I just know today has been one of those days, I was at church this morning and was fighting tears during the service. I was at a stop light in front of McDonald's today and starting crying when I looked at the sign, because all I could hear is I want donald's in my ear. He loved McDonald's fries so just seeing that damn place made me cry. I haven't ate there since he's been gone. This just is not fair at all. I know things happen for a reason but I can not figure this one out. What did I do to deserve this, I stood by his side since day 1, his sister didn't deserve to lose her brother & my 2 younger boys didn't deserve to lose their older brother!! I know he's happy in Heaven and running and playing, I like to picture him running through fields of flowers and playing by the river because we all know that water is clear as a whistle. I like to picture that sweet little smile of his and he is probably right by my side right now saying 'mommy don't cry I'm okay'. But it's so hard not to when I just want to touch him or hear that sweet voice. I feel like I've been fighting this back but I haven't anytime I feel like crying I just let it go, but today has been worse than others, I don't know why I guess because I know the 14th is coming up and it'll make a month since he's been gone. And my sister told me the other day that Tavion's 3rd birthday is on Mother's Day next year. So while I'm gunna be terribly upset May 13 because it's my first Mother's day without him plus May 14th will be 10 months since Kayden passed I'll still have to find some way to smile because I have to celebrate Tavion turning 3!! How in the hell am I suppose to do that? Just like Christmas this year I just don't even want to see it come! I don't want December to come at all!! I hate letting the kids see me upset so I just now had to run downstairs to get all this out. So hopefully I can calm myself and relax a bit so I can go get them settled down for the night <3

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I've got to get it out!!

All of a sudden another flood of emotions come across me. I see things and all I think is 'I wish I could still say that about Kayden' or 'I remember when we were doing that'. I MISS YOU BUBBY MORE THAN ANYTHING!!! As I'm looking for a job I can't help but get aggravated at the fact that I don't want to do anything else except care for my little man. I miss doing everything for him. I hated while he was in the hospital and I felt so helpless. Once you have a child with special needs, it changes your life. It makes you a better person (at least from a moms perspective). I loved taking care of him, from the cleft lip/palate all the way to giving heart meds, checking sats or putting a NG tube down. I think that's why eventually once I stop freaking out every time I see an ambulance I'm going to go back to school for nursing. I want to feel like I'm helping someone or like I'm making a difference. I don't like this feeling at all! I don't know what triggered this I guess it's just the emotions of having to find a job & having to find a day care because I would have NEVER put Kayden in a day care because I was too worried about him. I hate the fact that I may have to go on for another 50 years without my son. This is truly the worst thing in the world, no Mother should have to bury their child.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I just want to SCREAM!!!!

I want to scream, this is killing me. I sit on Kayden's bed and can just close my eyes and remember while he was here. That boy was such a big part of me. I still don't know what I'm suppose to be doing. I always feel like I'm forgetting something when I leave the house, every night is like hell. Almost as bad as the first night without him. I've always had some kind of obsession with the clouds & the sky. I always look up at them I did before anything happened to Kayden. But now I have a bigger reason, because I've got a little Angel up there. You know I've never really been a religious person or ever really went to church for any length of time in my life. But since Kayden I always prayed, I turned to God, I gave him control & he answered my prayers. Kayden is okay now, no matter how much I hurt. I have ALWAYS believed in heaven. But I asked my mom the other day, you know I just wonder if Heaven is behind the clouds. I mean because really it isn't for human eyes to see so the whole sky could be Heaven. But sometimes it looks like the sun is behind the clouds because it looks gorgeous from behind them but yet the sun is across the sky. So I guess you could say it gives me some comfort to think Heaven is behind the clouds or just all over the sky & I like to think Kayden is playing on a cloud watching over us. On a second note, a lot has been going on, a lot of things are getting proved that I always thought. And soon enough people will get what they deserve for the way they treat others, ESPECIALLY kids.
I love you bubba, watch over me sweet heart. I know it's good to get it all out but when I do I think it'll be like water falls & I'm so use to holding tears back because i did for so many months. I use to say I feel like i was walking around with tears in my eyes. Now I DO walk around with them in my eyes & half the time fighting them. I miss you more more more Kayden <3 xoxoxo