I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Monday, June 18, 2012

1 year down, lifetime to go

I can't believe that I've started the last month of the first year without my son. People think that I'm better, truth is no I'm not. I'll never be better. I wake up every day not knowing what it'll be like. Some days are ok, some are pure hell. I know I'll be falling to pieces as soon as June 28 gets here. I know exactly 2 weeks later will be when my son went to Heaven. I miss him so much, I wish I had an idea of when I could see him again. I mean at least while he was here I got to look forward to seeing him in like 2 days. Now all I can say is I will see him again one day. One day could be 60 years from now, but to be honest I don't know if I'll make it that long without him. I believe people can die from a broken heart. When I die my heart will be broken because I lived so many years without my child, without a piece of me.

Soo for Kayden's Angelversary, we are going to do a balloon release, I'm asking only a few of my good friends who've been there for me to come. When I say been there, I mean the ones who didn't disappear after his service. I had a lot of people who disappeared afterwards. And that's when I needed people most. My GOD I LOST MY SON! It's not like losing a parent, husband, or friend. IT IS YOUR CHILD, A PART OF YOU. I've always said there is no love like a mother and her son. I formed that bond with him when I carried him for 36 weeks. I loved him from the first time I heard his heart beating. That is something no one can possibly understand unless they've got a child I guess. And even still some people may not get it. So anyways, I do ask anyone anywhere if you remember please release a white balloon for Kayden for his 1 year in Heaven ♥

So I told Kayden one day that I wish I could just hear his heart beating one more time. The most amazing thing happened. I did! I did hear it! I found a video of my detailed sono of Kayden & Alexis. We watched Lexi's then put Kayden's in & sure enough when they were measuring beats per minute I HEARD HIS HEART BEAT! My little Angel is still helping me now! That is amazing, I'll cherish it forever because I can hear his heart beat any time I want to ♥

Until next time....

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Broken for a lifetime....

Geez, it's been like a month since I've blogged. I guess I'm past due.

I got a job, finally after what 10 months of looking pretty much? I started looking in August. It's not the best in the world, and I hate it but it's a job and it's money. Yep, that's right I hate it. I've never liked fast food and never will, but besides that. I liked taking care of my son and that is what I'd much rather be doing than out working. I'm still trying to adjust to it, and so far not having luck. Every evening when I get off I go to the cemetery to sit with Kayden....last week my first week, I cried every day one day a good half hour. I miss him so much and working and acting like things are okay, being around all those people who have no idea about him or who he was just makes me sick to my stomach that they don't know he existed. It makes me sad also.

My life has never been easy. I grew up without a father, my mom did all she could for us to be sure we had what we wanted. I was a hard kid to raise because I always wanted the opposite of what she wanted me to have or what she wanted me to do I do the opposite..I guess that's how I ended up with 4 kids before I'm 25 lol! My mom went to work to take care of us and after that, my school work went down hill and I would lay out of school. I regret that, I wish I would have graduated with my class instead of getting my GED a year early. I got hit by a car when I was 14 and lived with only a fractured back, bumps, scratches & bruises. I met the father of my kids when I was 16 years old. I got pregnant and lost a baby right after turning 17...I had my first baby a week after turning 18. Then I just kept having them lol! No but really, I did have kids at 18, 19, 21 and 22. I never would have thought I'd lose a child at 23. I did though, I lost my 3.5 year old at age 23. I've raised 4 kids practically on my own with help from my mom. Now I'm trying to make it in this big ole world. I smile daily and talk and laugh with people. I talk to strangers or well my customers daily like I'm perfectly fine, I put a smile on my face and I'm 'happy'....but I've got a secret for you.

I feel lost, alone, and afraid.

I'm lost in the world, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. With Kayden I knew who I was, I enjoyed taking care of him and I had a somewhat stable life. He was very sick, yes. But we were happy and we were secure in our life. I keep asking myself..WHERE DID WE GO WRONG? What happened? I feel alone, because with Kayden I felt like I had someone, I know I have my other kids but I don't have him. My family will never be complete. A part of our whole is far away from us. I'm afraid I'll forget who I really am in the world. The world has a way of corrupting people. I'm afraid it will me & I'll forget the person I am. I am a mother of 4 kids, I'm a mother who lost her child to a congenital heart defect, I want to make a difference in the world for another family in memory of my son. I want others to KNOW my son's story. But  working all the time I'm afraid I'll forget all of this. Or afraid I won't have the time to do any of it or remember who I am and what I've been through. No matter what though I will NEVER forget my son.

This month is hard on me, June 14 will make 11 months since I held my son for the last time. It also makes 1 year since he was admitted to the hospital to be evaluated for a heart transplant and listed. He was admitted in cardiogenic shock. June 28, makes 1 year since my son was listed status 1A on the transplant list for a new heart. My heart hurts when I think back and say this time a year ago I was taking care of a critically ill 3 year old and that life was easier than this shit I deal with now. I ask God all the time why he took my son. It makes me sad because not many of you know either that I also had a very serious birth defect. I had a congenital diaphragmatic hernia at birth. I had surgery at only a few hours old & my mom was told I probably wouldn't make it. But I did, I'm a survivor as many of my CHD friends are except I'm a CDH survivor. My mom didn't know about it when I was born, so they weren't expecting it but when I had trouble breathing they rushed me to the NICU. I don't understand why God let me live and not my son. I wish he would have just let us both live because now I live with this pain every day of losing my son.

I don't know how else to put it except, no one has a perfect life. There is no such thing as perfect, if you think life is perfect you need to be hit with reality. Reality is me going to sit by my child's grave and cry daily. It's having to send goodnight kisses to the sky every night or hug a Mickey Mouse pillow to get a little scent of Kayden because it was with him until he took his last breath. It's having to explain to my 2 sons and my daughter what happened to their brother when they become an age they can understand. It's having to explain to them that no matter where they go in life that their brother is their guiding light, he will shine bright just for them and watch over them & keep them safe. It's having to release balloons on the anniversaries, or birthdays or special days instead of cakes and presents and games! So when you think you have a perfect life, stop and remember reality could hit you at anytime so stop pretending to be a teenager still.

When you think your life gets hard...just remember all this sweet little boy went through and still kept a smile on his face ♥ ily Kayden James