I can't believe that I've started the last month of the first year without my son. People think that I'm better, truth is no I'm not. I'll never be better. I wake up every day not knowing what it'll be like. Some days are ok, some are pure hell. I know I'll be falling to pieces as soon as June 28 gets here. I know exactly 2 weeks later will be when my son went to Heaven. I miss him so much, I wish I had an idea of when I could see him again. I mean at least while he was here I got to look forward to seeing him in like 2 days. Now all I can say is I will see him again one day. One day could be 60 years from now, but to be honest I don't know if I'll make it that long without him. I believe people can die from a broken heart. When I die my heart will be broken because I lived so many years without my child, without a piece of me.
Soo for Kayden's Angelversary, we are going to do a balloon release, I'm asking only a few of my good friends who've been there for me to come. When I say been there, I mean the ones who didn't disappear after his service. I had a lot of people who disappeared afterwards. And that's when I needed people most. My GOD I LOST MY SON! It's not like losing a parent, husband, or friend. IT IS YOUR CHILD, A PART OF YOU. I've always said there is no love like a mother and her son. I formed that bond with him when I carried him for 36 weeks. I loved him from the first time I heard his heart beating. That is something no one can possibly understand unless they've got a child I guess. And even still some people may not get it. So anyways, I do ask anyone anywhere if you remember please release a white balloon for Kayden for his 1 year in Heaven ♥
So I told Kayden one day that I wish I could just hear his heart beating one more time. The most amazing thing happened. I did! I did hear it! I found a video of my detailed sono of Kayden & Alexis. We watched Lexi's then put Kayden's in & sure enough when they were measuring beats per minute I HEARD HIS HEART BEAT! My little Angel is still helping me now! That is amazing, I'll cherish it forever because I can hear his heart beat any time I want to ♥
Until next time....