Without you.

2 years ago today, I left my son in a room for doctors to take him back for surgery. I kissed him and told him how much I loved him & everything would be okay. I walked away, outside of the room, I broke down in tears, sobbing, scared to death that was the last time I would see him. Many times his cardiologist told us if his heart ever stopped it would be hard to resuscitate him. This morning I woke up at 8:00, which was about the time they took him in for surgery. I left him in the room at 7:30. Then I woke back up at 9:30, they stopped his heart and put him on bypass at 9:25. That was one of the scariest times of my life, knowing his heart wasn't beating and his blood was being ran through machines. I remember looking out the window when I got that update, looked to the sky and prayed hard, I couldn't talk much, I just wanted to pray. I got tears in my eyes the whole time. It's a tough pill to swallow when you get an update like that even when you know that's what they have to do in order to make his heart get better. There isn't a cure for congenital heart defects, only treatments...

I never wanted to live in a world without him. I didn't think I would be forced to do that either....I have flashbacks and miss it all so much. I miss him. It's just not fair that there is nothing I can do to help him now. Do you understand what it's like to be helpless when it's your child? I know some of you know what I mean because you walk this road, or you're on the journey with a child who has a special heart. I wish I could change how things happened. I hate this month though because it just means in 4 months it'll be 2 years since my son took his last breath. The months after his surgery were probably his hardest, well April was, May was pretty good for the most part. Then we come to June, that's when he went to UVA and put on the transplant list. Then we know where we are with July.....I hate how fast all this comes at me because it's so close together. Cherish every moment with your babies, because you never know what the next minute will bring you ♥

Changes

We all go through changes. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard. I think most of the time it's hard. You can sit here and say through your whole life you've never changed. But you have. It's nothing to be ashamed of it's a part of life. I've done a lot of changing and I'm only 25. Before I had my kids I was hell on my mom, I feel bad for it now but I was a child. I thought I was invincible and nothing could touch me. When I had Alexis I was 18 years old and I was scared to death of this little person who I carried inside of me for 9 months. I didn't think it was possible to be afraid of someone that little. She saved me I believe. When I found out about Kayden's health conditions I changed again. I was terrified not just scared. I was terrified at the what ifs. When I had him and saw he was going to be okay it was s relief. But as he went on with life, through his surgeries and doctor visits, I did more changing. I got stronger, I felt like I could almost face anything but I had new fears as well. I feared for his life, I was so afraid every time he had a surgery. When he overcome his cleft repairs and his heart hadn't got sick, I was relieved, I thought things were going to be okay. When Kayden went in heart failure, my life flipped upside down, I had no idea what to do, no idea what to think....My fear of losing him came back, but I knew I had to hide that and had to be strong for him. Everything Kayden went through I stood by him it made me a better person, it got my priorities straight. When I lost Kayden, the old me died. Now I am someone else...I am a bereaved mother, I have lost one beautiful life I brought into this world. He was so innocent, he was just a baby. No mother should have to bury their child, in this life and my plans, I was the first to go...not him. Kayden was an amazing little boy who fought each battle courageously and with so much strength, he gave me hope. To this day I have that hope, I feel his strength and courage everywhere I go. I made that promise to my son that I would never give up on him, so I fight for his journey to be shared, I fight for our Angels without a voice, I spread the awareness for Congenital Heart Defects & how important it is to become an Organ Donor. A donor could have saved Kayden's life.

We all think about the present time without our children and that hurts enough, but what about the future? I was thinking the other day about Alexis and the boys. How it will effect them. Alexis talks about how she wishes Kayden never would have passed away and how she misses him. Alexis & Kayden are the oldest, there will be things as she grows she will wish he was there doing with her. My heart hurts thinking about when she graduates from high school and I take pictures of her and her brothers and of just her, because I won't have that picture of her and her first brother. My heart hurts thinking of that.....Then we have the boys. Kayden is their older brother, they should have him to look up to as they grow. There will be things that Tavion & Isaiah should be learning from Kayden. I think it'll be hard for both of them, because Tavion will not have his older brother to look up to or to go to when he needs something. Tavion has to be the role model for Isaiah. Kayden would have been an awesome role model as he grew. Just at 3 he was already such an inspiration & such a well mannered little boy. My heart hurts everyday and I'm broken inside. But through it all I continue to change, I am trying not to forget who I am. And sometimes I get lost in life but I will not forget who I am ♥