I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, March 9, 2013


We all go through changes. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard. I think most of the time it's hard. You can sit here and say through your whole life you've never changed. But you have. It's nothing to be ashamed of it's a part of life. I've done a lot of changing and I'm only 25. Before I had my kids I was hell on my mom, I feel bad for it now but I was a child. I thought I was invincible and nothing could touch me. When I had Alexis I was 18 years old and I was scared to death of this little person who I carried inside of me for 9 months. I didn't think it was possible to be afraid of someone that little. She saved me I believe. When I found out about Kayden's health conditions I changed again. I was terrified not just scared. I was terrified at the what ifs. When I had him and saw he was going to be okay it was s relief. But as he went on with life, through his surgeries and doctor visits, I did more changing. I got stronger, I felt like I could almost face anything but I had new fears as well. I feared for his life, I was so afraid every time he had a surgery. When he overcome his cleft repairs and his heart hadn't got sick, I was relieved, I thought things were going to be okay. When Kayden went in heart failure, my life flipped upside down, I had no idea what to do, no idea what to think....My fear of losing him came back, but I knew I had to hide that and had to be strong for him. Everything Kayden went through I stood by him it made me a better person, it got my priorities straight. When I lost Kayden, the old me died. Now I am someone else...I am a bereaved mother, I have lost one beautiful life I brought into this world. He was so innocent, he was just a baby. No mother should have to bury their child, in this life and my plans, I was the first to go...not him. Kayden was an amazing little boy who fought each battle courageously and with so much strength, he gave me hope. To this day I have that hope, I feel his strength and courage everywhere I go. I made that promise to my son that I would never give up on him, so I fight for his journey to be shared, I fight for our Angels without a voice, I spread the awareness for Congenital Heart Defects & how important it is to become an Organ Donor. A donor could have saved Kayden's life.

We all think about the present time without our children and that hurts enough, but what about the future? I was thinking the other day about Alexis and the boys. How it will effect them. Alexis talks about how she wishes Kayden never would have passed away and how she misses him. Alexis & Kayden are the oldest, there will be things as she grows she will wish he was there doing with her. My heart hurts thinking about when she graduates from high school and I take pictures of her and her brothers and of just her, because I won't have that picture of her and her first brother. My heart hurts thinking of that.....Then we have the boys. Kayden is their older brother, they should have him to look up to as they grow. There will be things that Tavion & Isaiah should be learning from Kayden. I think it'll be hard for both of them, because Tavion will not have his older brother to look up to or to go to when he needs something. Tavion has to be the role model for Isaiah. Kayden would have been an awesome role model as he grew. Just at 3 he was already such an inspiration & such a well mannered little boy. My heart hurts everyday and I'm broken inside. But through it all I continue to change, I am trying not to forget who I am. And sometimes I get lost in life but I will not forget who I am ♥

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