I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Merry Christmas from mine to yours...

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas with your families. The kids were so excited and super happy with all Santa brought them, and everything our family got them! Though we were still missing that one special little person. Today was Kayden's 4th Christmas in Heaven. We had him here on Earth for 4 Christmas' so needless to say it wasn't an easy day to look forward to. I have had a rough month, I've felt myself shutting down to people around me. Once again it's happening, I haven't felt like this since Kayden passed. My heart is heavy every day, the flashbacks have been happening again and the dread that comes with special days (such as today). I feel like I must put on a show for the world, it's expected of me to be happy and go on with my life. Though part of me is still back in 2011 where Kayden was. I know he will forever be with me in my heart, but it's not the same. You can not heal this wound. It's there and it's never going to be any better. It still hurts just as much as it did then. Kayden was a huge part of my life. He was the rock that held our family together and now without him it's like we're all just lost.
Being a single mom is hard on it's own with kids, but being a single mom with children and having lost a child is a challenge all on its own. Some days I don't even know how I got through. My kids are my life and my whole world, I would do anything for them but sometimes, the road gets rough and I start doubting every choice and decision I make. Sometimes it would just be nice to have someone there to help me. I've been single now since March, I was 3 months pregnant with Elijah. So not only was I raising my children I was going through an entire pregnancy alone. It was hard some days and nights, I would just cry. I mean I'm not the type of person who is going to openly tell you how I feel, I have been hurt extremely too much in my life. So here I am almost 27 years old, 4 kids, and I care about this one person but yet can't even tell them. Yea coward maybe, but not really. My patience runs thin these days but I'm being patient and just waiting to see what the future holds. If it's meant to be then I have faith God will allow it to be...even if they are a bit blinded right now. No one knows who or how I feel about this. I just need to get it out somewhere because I'm so tired of bottling up my feelings and crying them out.
This person, I've known for awhile, I've cared about them before but didn't have the courage to even try based off previous relationships. Now my heart is hurting because I still have these feelings and now I'm pretty sure they could care less. Though I believe I could offer this person the world I just can't tell them because it would make absolutely no difference. I often wonder what it would be like now had I given this person a chance...I'm hoping time will open up his eyes and he'll see the truth around it all. God has a plan, everything happens for a reason I truly believe that. So I'm hoping he puts 2 and 2 together and the light bulb comes on and sees where he would fit perfectly into my life.

Anyways, today was Elijah's first Christmas and it was absolutely amazing. He got all kinds of goodies from Santa, both of his Nana's and Uncle Billy. I can not believe my baby boy is already 4 months old, it seems like he was just born =[

I'm hoping you all had a wonderful day and Merry Christmas!!!

1 comment:

  1. Awwww Misty you're an amazing mom! RIP Kayden James Barnes.You're truly loved and missed! I'm always a text message or a phone call away.You're one amazing friend as well and I'm forever thankful to have you as a part of my life!
    I love you and all of those babies very much