I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, January 17, 2015

If only..

My head is going around in circles tonight. Lately I've been going back reading old blog posts..From before I lost Kayden and afterwards. There are absolutely no words to even describe what I've went through...My whole life has been a crazy roller coaster. I've had ups and downs, and when things were good they were really good, but when they got bad, man they hit rock bottom...

So my head is a mess again tonight and no one to talk to, no shoulders to cry on...And right now I need it. Have you ever held something in for so long, and when you actually find it in you to tell someone it's too late and you can't say it? Yea, it sucks big time..Now I'm left wondering how much life would be different had I said then what I should have. Have you ever had someone on your mind so much it seems they are taking over your thoughts? Gah yea I'm stuck in that position and I'm hurting so bad. If I give too many details, then someone is bound to find out who I'm talking about specifically. But oh well...I've got to let it out. When there is someone you've known for so long, and you've always been friends, they haven't always been directly there but if you needed them or they needed you, then you're always there for each other..You don't hold nothing against them, past or present. But when they show up in your life again, you can feel a connection, and you can't say it. But you lose yourself in their presence. Then something happens, something BIG, and that makes you wonder why it happened? I mean, I believe in God, I believe he knows how we feel. He knows how I feel, he knows how I feel about this individual, so why did he allow this situation to happen? Now I can't help but question, was this person actually meant to be in my life forever? And how, what's their purpose, is it the one I'm meant to be with? Or maybe it was to show each other our true characters....Either way, my feelings towards this person haven't changed, except I hate seeing them hurt. I hate seeing them in bad situations, I just want to help, yet I pull back because he's hers for now...Just wish this man would realize what he has had in front of him for a very long time, maybe he sees it, maybe he's just too stubborn to give in? I don't have a clue. Maybe it'll happen over time, but I am a very impatient and jealous person. YES I did just ADMIT to that lol! I admitted it to the world, or at least who runs across my blog =]! LOL. I was talking to someone a couple days ago, telling them the situation. She said let me ask you a question, do you love him? Yes she used the big L word bahah! I was honest, and I told her, no I don't believe I love him, though I could easily. I have very strong feelings there that always surface when this person shows up in my life. So what's there to do with that? I mean I can't tell him, because if I do, honestly right now it's not going to change a thing unfortunately. I just know it's never been the right time it seems like. Or when it was for him, it wasn't for me. Like now, it's good for me but not him. I mean it's a win lose situation. Now my heart is hurting, because it's a wait and see game I'm playing here. Do you actually understand how much that hurts and makes me break down and just cry?! He's the kind of person I can be myself around, I can joke with him, scream at him, laugh with him, anything and does it right back. I hate it. I hate caring about someone I can't have, I hate crying, I hate he's her's and she doesn't deserve him, I HATE that he controls my thoughts and he doesn't even know.....It's easy to say just tell him. Yeaaa okay. Ya'll are crazy. Because if I do, I'm just hurting myself, putting myself up for failure, and to be let down. So for the time being....my thoughts will just stay like they are, and I'll cry when I'm alone, and I'll smile to the world like there is nothing wrong. And when he's around, I'll pretend all is okay and smile like always, even when inside, it's truly killing me to be around him =/

Hope you all have a better night than I'm having <3

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