Just another hard night.

Today was such a good day, I felt like I got a lot accomplished even though I didn't do a whole lot lol! I mean I did what needed to be done. Well it went downhill at about 5pm. All the kids decided they just didn't want to listen to me so they went wild, my mom is sitting on the couch doing nothing because she doesn't feel good so it was 4 against 1!! And ya know if you actually KNOW my kids and Lyndsee then you know that they can get H Y P E R!!!!!!!!!!! Well anyways fast foward, Isaiah decided he wanted to pull over the table we have a few pics of Kayden on and one of those green plants that someone sent from his service...So the dirt went everywhere on the carpet, the table fell and hit Isaiah, he may have a black eye maybe not. But it just upset me because I tell them ALL the time, leave the table alone, don't touch it...but they don't listen. I know Isaiah doesn't know any better he's not even 15 months old. But it's just upsetting because it's Kayden's stuff. Even one of his little puppy stuffed animals sits on it and it got dirt on it. Oh but before this, Tavion knows better than to mess with Kayden's stuff he hasn't done it in awhile, tonight I went in his room because I kept hearing something and he is under Kayden's bed pushing it up with his feet!! UGHHHHH!!!!!!! I know Kayden's stuff won't stay out forever, and I know kids will be kids. But Tavion has been told and told and he's left it alone for so long and tonight he just decides he wants to push my buttons. Thank goodness it's bedtime and they are all sleeping...EXCEPT TAVION!!! Go figure, he doesn't know what sleep is!

So tonight I've been having a hard night, I'm missing my baby so much!! I can't understand why God chooses some people to lose their child. Does he think we're not good enough to take care of them or something? I hope not. I try not to think that but sometimes I do and I can't help but cry!! I try to hold the tears back but sometimes they come out without notice...My heart still aches for him, I physically feel it. I just wish I could find my place again, I once knew who I was and now, I feel like I'm lost inside a cave and I can't find my way out, and no one is coming to find me!! I can't understand this, God took my baby home, but yet he isn't helping me any with this job thing, or getting out on my own. That's discouraging. And I can't help but question my faith anymore or question anything anymore. I mean geez it's been pushing 7 months since I've been searching and applying, I've applied to SO many places I can't remember where all I've applied. How sad is that?! Ugh! My heart just hurts so bad, I know I can't live in the past, and the future hurts to much to even think about, so I try to live in the present but some days that's even too much to bare. What am I suppose to do?! Go to therapy?! WTF for because I miss my son?! No sorry that won't help nothing is going to help me because a fucking therapist doesn't know wtf I'm going through, only someone walking this road knows how I feel and can relate to all of this!! Anyways this blog will be continued on another bad night, which I know I'll have ♥