I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Quick blog for the day..

This is gunna be short and sweet because I've got to leave soon to get Lexi & Lyndsee from school.

So I was talking to a friend of mine this morning and we were talking about Kayden and his surgery and how it's been almost a year ago since he had his open heart surgery. Well I was saying, it's weird ya know because it's like it happened to someone else. It feels like it ALL happened to someone else. But it's true, it did. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. The person I was a year ago didn't know the loss that this new person knows.
You see that picture? That's the old me, that's who I don't know anymore. The little boy, he is an Angel now, he's no longer walking on this Earth, so therefore people don't know he existed. They say aww your kids are so adorable, how old are they. When I answer, I will still tell them about my baby because he will always be my son, my child, my little man.
This person didn't know what was ahead of her, she didn't know 4 months later her son would go live with the Angels. She didn't know that a year later she'd be sad over a day because it was his 1 year surgery anniversary. She thought he'd be with her.
You see her? That's me. Sure I smile, I smile to hide the pain, I hide the tears and hardly show the emotions that my body feels. My chest hurts, I literally feel the aching in my heart, it's been shattered and I can't pick up the pieces and move on. I will always live with a broken heart. When you see her, you'll never know the pain, the loss, the things she knows. I look like every ordinary person, little do you know I'm not the only one out there like this. We can be anywhere, the person riding next to you on the bus, the person next to you at a stop light. Maybe you pass me in the grocery store with my 3 other kids. Who knows, so don't judge people that you don't even know. I still don't know my future, a year from now I may be someone else. But for now, I'm lost in the woods and trying to find my way out. I'll put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward, I will keep being the mom to my other kids, I will keep visiting my Angel every day at the cemetery until I feel I don't need to go everyday, I will for now because I feel close to him there as I do in his room.
I will never get over losing Kayden, I'll act fine but believe me I'll never fully be okay. ♥ 

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