I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

10 months..

I've been slacking on my blogging. I just haven't had the time and really I don't right now because I'm so tired!! So yesterday was 10 months since I held my son for the last time & told him how much I'd miss him & already did....it was 10 months since Kayden went to Heaven & it was a hard day, it's in the double digits now....meaning in 2 short months..it'll be 1 year since I've seen that precious face. I realized I hadn't gone through his pictures in a few days and when I did I cried. It was so hard. I miss him so much and I wish things were different. I see so many posts about faith and mending little hearts and although I've seen the mending of little hearts, I've also seen the broken little hearts never be mended, but yet faith remains.

I do celebrate for these families but my own heart is shattered as I do. MY SON WAS MY EVERYTHING. My one fear was losing him. Now I'm afraid of him being forgotten. I'll be doing a donation for Kayden's 1 year Angelversary. This will be things given to the pediatric classroom at UVa, the teacher there was amazing with my child & I want to help her. We'll also be giving things to the Ronald McDonald House. Again in December, I'll do his toy donation which I hope is as big of a success as it was last year.

Somethings I realized the other day and I hadn't really thought about it until then was the first's Kayden will never experience, he'll never have his first day of school, his first t-ball or football game. He'll never have his first dance at school, or his first A on a test. He'll never get to drive a car or have a job. He'll never have his own family.

This all breaks my heart, our future was stolen from us it seems. Kayden will never meet his nieces or nephews that his brothers or sister have. I can't help but think of those things. I wish we could go back in time so I could be with him again, just to feel him. Kiss him. Tell him how much I love him.

Saturday is Lexi's dance recital, we were planning on taking Kayden this year. I hope he'll be enjoying it from Heaven and hopefully he'll be cheering for his sister to do well instead of laughing at how funny she looks lol! He always would say sissy silly. LOL! She's excited & so am I. I can't believe she only has a few weeks of school left & her kindergarten year will be over WOW. Where has the time gone?!

Well I finally got a job, & will start soon. I haven't told many people where because I don't want a few people knowing where I'm at. But it'll get me & the kids our own place within the next few months. YAY. I'm excited about having my own place with the kiddos. Nervous but excited.

Tavion's birthday was on Sunday, Mother's Day....my first without my big man =[. Tavion is now 3. I have two 3 year olds....one lives in Heaven though. I'm so scared. I feel like something is gunna happen to him to. I wish I could overcome that fear...but I can't so I try not to think about how old he is....His birthday cake was Cookie Monster..because Tavion LOVES cookies and I call him cookie monster all the time lol!! His cake was made possible by Icing Smiles, they provide cakes for medical children & their siblings. Also, siblings of a medical child who's gained their wings within 2 years....They were so amazing and what they do is awesome! Bread Craft in Roanoke made his cake and it was just amazing I loved it! I'm so thankful they were able to help us!!!

I'll try to blog more often I just don't have time when I'm so sleepy & so busy all the time!! ♥

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