I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Sunday, April 22, 2012

If only..

I had a hard day the other day and then I'm having another today. My heart hurts everyday but a little more today. I feel sometimes I need to take a break from facebook, twitter, or whatever it is. Now I don't want anyone to get pissed or take offense to what I say because trust me if you ever walk this road, you'll probably feel the same way.

I am SO happy for everyone who has had a chance to get their new hearts or who's child is still here even though they haven't received their gift. But I can't help but ask WHY, WHY didn't Kayden?! I just don't understand why some people even have more than one chance and get their gift, or more than one kid who gets a heart. I mean I couldn't even get 1 chance for Kayden, how is it fair?! If I did something wrong I wish I knew what it was. I mean geez he waited 2 weeks, that's not what I call waiting, that's his doctors waiting too long to list him. I also just don't understand why it took 2 weeks to get him listed but everyone else at other hospitals it takes a few days. WTF. So if I went wrong anywhere I think it's taking him to UVa, funny because any other transplant patient I've known at UVa wasn't as bad as him, they weren't vented their whole stay basically, they were sitting up playing. Kayden was playing sitting up maybe what a week & a half out of a month in the hospital!!

I just wonder what things would be like if he got his heart. I wonder how he'd be with his brothers and with Lexi, I mean he'd be 4 now so he would have obviously changed. I wonder if he'd be doing well in preschool, at home of course. I wonder if he'd be potty trained yet because God knows he hated the potty LOL! I did anything and everything I could for him, he was my life for 3.5 years whether it was caring for him with his cleft, or his heart. Or if it was just being his mama! I made him my life, that's more than some people do so WHY DID GOD CHOOSE TO TAKE MY SON?!?!

I know I can't continue to be mad at God, and I think I'm over that really, at first I was mad, I was mad at everyone, God and the whole word because my baby was taken from me. Now I just can't understand it, I guess I'm not suppose to but it's enough to make me crazy. I feel like I'm on a dark road with no lights, my lord does it ever end?! I don't go to church, I do believe in God and I have him in my heart or else I wouldn't have made it this far & he knows it. But I don't go to chuch. I want to. But I can't. I cry when I go, and I don't know why, maybe I am still mad at him for taking Kayden and I just won't admit it. I don't feel mad but maybe I am. I don't have anyone to really talk to about this with, I don't want to talk with my mom because she's like me she misses Kayden with every bone in her body too. I don't know how to get over it and stop crying when i go to church, I mean I've got a bunch of strangers staring at me like I'm crazy because I cry during the whole service lol! But geez how can I not?! He has my son beside him and he should be beside me!!! How do you deal with a situation like this?

No comments:

Post a Comment