I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The struggles make you stronger

Happy Fourth of July everyone who comes across my blog ♥ I hope you have a fun and safe holiday!

Today is a little bittersweet on this end. It was Kayden's last holiday with us, he was still vented and before he got chorea so at least he was communicating like his self..Kayden didn't like the fire works, he would say 'too loud' and he'd cover his face. So last year, he had a decoration from my sister and he'd pull of the little stars on it lol! He was so silly! Today Isaiah is wearing Kayden's fourth of July shirt from 2009. After Isaiah it will get put up with everything else. It's so hard to get rid of things that were his. Eventually one day I'll go through his stuff again and get rid of a few things...maybe. Or Alexis can once I'm with Kayden in Heaven.

All today really means right now to me is I'm at the official count down, 10 days until I got the worst phone call of my life. 10 days away from the last time I held my son in my arms, 10 days since the day my little boy went to live with the Angels & earned his wings. Kayden was a fighter, he did up until the very end. I do not feel like he lost his fight with his heart, I feel he beat it, Kayden beat his CHD. Going to Heaven isn't a punishment, it isn't losing, it's WINNING. He is so much better off than we are. Kayden was chosen before he was born. He was hand picked and his dates were written, when he was called home, he had Angels waiting for him. To go at a young age like Kayden and many others, they have to be a very important piece of Heaven, so at least I know I've got a piece of Heaven watching over my family & I carry it with me always.

I'm glad I didn't know last year that I only had 10 days left with him, I'd rather our last days together be filled with smiles and memories, not sadness. Kayden didn't need to see that. Some things and this is one, we are better off not knowing. I have learned many lessons in this short year. One I want you all to know is do not take life for granted, when you feel like complaining about hospital stays, please remember there are people out there who would do anything in the world just to be by their child's hospital bed. And remember those nights before when you were afraid it would be your last night with your child.

All I do is keep having images pop up in my head from last year in the hospital with him, or afterwards, I keep feeling myself in those situations, and when I let the walls up for a split second, the tears come and won't stop. The last two nights I've cried myself to sleep. I know I'm going to feel like I'm losing him all over again, except this year I can't hold him on the 14th like I did last year, I won't be able to kiss him on the head and tell him how loved he is and will always be. I did promise Kayden I would be beside him every step of the way. I promised him I'd fight for him until the day my heart stopped beating. That is a promise I do intend on keeping. So I do not care how many people get tired of hearing about CHD, I will preach to you about it, I will shove it down your throat. I will never stop because I know the awful reality of CHD, I've lived with every mother's nightmare the last year and I will live it for the rest of my life. All I can say is people truly can die with a broken heart. My heart will be broken forever. Our family is like a puzzle that's missing a piece, and that piece will never be found until we are all together again.

1 comment:

  1. God bless you. My eyes are welled up with tears. I can't imagine how heartbroken you are. I will never take my son for granted after reading your story. Your beautiful Kayden is now a perfect angel in heaven. He is happier now than he could ever be on earth. And you WILL see him again! You are right, he has WON. July 14th is his heavenly birthday - when he began his new life! We should be happy for him! God bless you, sweet Kayden. You are so loved!!!!