I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I once believed...

So here's my question for you..

Do you believe everything happens for a reason, is it fate, or is it a fairy tale?

Maybe it's all three?

Do we really know?

Here is my take on it, I could be wrong but hell we all have opinion's and here is mine...

I don't think fairy tales exist, I think they only happen in the movies or in our dreams. I do believe in fate, but I also think that may fall into everything happens for a reason...call it fate if you want or call it Gods plan. Which ever you'd like I guess....

Here is why I don't believe in fairy tales, I have a child who went to Heaven, he will not be with me again in this lifetime so therefore there will be no happy ending to this fairy tale. I thought all fairy tales had happy endings. So no way will I believe they happen in real life.

But to call it hopeless, I do not believe that either. HOPE is one of the only things that keep me going. Faith is another, LOVE is another. My lord, how the hell did I make it this long without hope, faith, or love? Strength? Possibly. I kneel beside my sons grave daily, sometimes I'll sit there and I've laid there beside him a few times just staring at the sky and talking to him. Crazy? Just a little maybe. But that's reality it's not a fairy tale, I guess maybe it's fate? It was Kayden's. God wanted him home so he called his name that Thursday morning, when my life was flipped and turned in all sorts of directions....We are brought up and raised by our parents, they teach us so much and what they don't teach us we learn in school or by others right? But what about this, who teaches us to grieve? No one, we do it on our own. We have to learn how to cope with things on our own. We all handle situations differently, some will drown theirs selves in alcohol, or drugs. Others will be depressed and crawl in a corner for the rest of there lives. There is no time limit on grieving. I miss my baby boy every day still. Not a day passes that I don't miss him. And lately I've been taking myself back to his birthdays, holidays with him, and hospital stays with him. Ya know, to say that I would possibly ever be hopeless, that there is just flat out ignorance. Now when it comes to men, that is hopeless..I don't think that there is a man out there that can tell the God honest truth about everything....Here's my story..
I once told this certain guy how I felt, which I never do..Told him things I wanted out of my life & all about Kayden & everything...So yea this was after Kayden went to Heaven...and hey guess what happen to this guy? He just stopped talkin to me & started ignoring me...So hey why should I have hope in any man alive? Every guy I've ever met has always screwed me over some how....I have trust issues...now do you understand why? I don't regret telling him everything but I do regret opening up about my child who's no longer here. That could possibly fall under the category of taking advantage of me. But I'm a forgiving person. I forgive though I don't forget. Life is too short to hold a grudge it's too short to bitch over shit...So what do I do...move forward....but this was all worth making a blog about..

I do believe I know quite a few families who would agree with me on this topic of fairy tales though. Ask anyone who's ever lost a child....

I don't expect everyone to always remember why I disagree with things they believe in...because at one time I once believed too

1 comment:

  1. Not crazy at all. You are his mommy like he needs. (((Hugs)))