I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Friday, March 16, 2012

Better late than never..

I've been needing to blog for some time now. I've just been horribly tired the last few days..so I'll blame it on the time change thing! Well if you've been reading my blog and followed Kayden's story you know March 14 was his 8 month Angelversary & 1 year since he was admitted to CHB for his open heart surgery. If you're new to my blog...well now you know lol! I put 3 heart balloons at the cemetery on Wednesday for the 3 weeks he was in the hospital. Those were the 3 most stressful weeks of my life being away from my babies. Until June/July 2011. Now that was a piece of cake compared to my life now.When I wake up in the mornings I have no idea what the day holds for me, I don't know if it'll be a good day, or a crying day all day..or it could start good and end up a bad day...I just never know so I live second by second. 
A friend of mine got her job to donate a bunch of food to Mended Little Hearts for their food bags to take to UVa, so that was so awesome of them, huge thanks to United HealthCare for helping heart families in need ♥ 
That was always one thing I hated doing was leaving Kayden to go eat, so the food bags were a huge help, I could just have a snack. The only time I'd leave is if he was sleeping, because he was intubated and couldn't eat and it would break my heart when he'd reach for my food!! Or my drink so it all got hid!!
Today March 16, was the day before Kayden's open heart surgery last year. I'm changing my Facebook picture daily to a pic of Kayden 1 year prior! So today's picture is his big beautiful face the day before his surgery!! My little man was such a little fighter, he always always ALWAYS had a big huge smile on his face!! 
Tomorrow I will be making a heart shaped cake for Kayden's 1 year surgery anniversary & we will be releasing 1 heart balloon and 2 white balloons. The 2 white balloons represent his Angel wings & the heart obviously represents his big little heart, in other words it means, your heart has wings ♥
Kayden's strenght deserves to be remembered so I will continue to honor him! This year I'll be doing his toy drive again at UVa, I'll post more details about that probably in July or August!! This year Kayden's birthday will be on a Friday, so the toy donation will be done on December 20 again! 
The day before his open heart surgery at Children's Hospital Boston
Kayden's heart balloons!

On another note, I'm happy to say I've lost 4 lbs since January woo hoo go me!! I've been walking and doing workout videos and I'm watching my calories. I'm on week 2 of actually logging all my foods so I've done great the last 2 weeks!! I've still got awhile to go to get back to what I want. But I've settled with if I get down to 120 lbs I'll be good...BUT if I do that I might as well keep losing the last 5 and get to 115 my pre baby weight with all 4 kids..Do you think it's possible? I think so! I'm determined to get this done and know it'll be well worth it, just like smoking! April will be 2 years since I've been smoke free WOO! Go me! Thanks to Kayden and Isaiah really but it's good that I had the strength to not start again! Anyways I'm off to walk so I hope you guys have a wonderful day ♥ Do something to honor Kayden this weekend, he deserves it

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Quick blog for the day..

This is gunna be short and sweet because I've got to leave soon to get Lexi & Lyndsee from school.

So I was talking to a friend of mine this morning and we were talking about Kayden and his surgery and how it's been almost a year ago since he had his open heart surgery. Well I was saying, it's weird ya know because it's like it happened to someone else. It feels like it ALL happened to someone else. But it's true, it did. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. The person I was a year ago didn't know the loss that this new person knows.
You see that picture? That's the old me, that's who I don't know anymore. The little boy, he is an Angel now, he's no longer walking on this Earth, so therefore people don't know he existed. They say aww your kids are so adorable, how old are they. When I answer, I will still tell them about my baby because he will always be my son, my child, my little man.
This person didn't know what was ahead of her, she didn't know 4 months later her son would go live with the Angels. She didn't know that a year later she'd be sad over a day because it was his 1 year surgery anniversary. She thought he'd be with her.
You see her? That's me. Sure I smile, I smile to hide the pain, I hide the tears and hardly show the emotions that my body feels. My chest hurts, I literally feel the aching in my heart, it's been shattered and I can't pick up the pieces and move on. I will always live with a broken heart. When you see her, you'll never know the pain, the loss, the things she knows. I look like every ordinary person, little do you know I'm not the only one out there like this. We can be anywhere, the person riding next to you on the bus, the person next to you at a stop light. Maybe you pass me in the grocery store with my 3 other kids. Who knows, so don't judge people that you don't even know. I still don't know my future, a year from now I may be someone else. But for now, I'm lost in the woods and trying to find my way out. I'll put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward, I will keep being the mom to my other kids, I will keep visiting my Angel every day at the cemetery until I feel I don't need to go everyday, I will for now because I feel close to him there as I do in his room.
I will never get over losing Kayden, I'll act fine but believe me I'll never fully be okay. ♥ 

Sunday, March 4, 2012

A Sunday night with me...

Tonight was finally the season premiere of one of my favorite shows EVER ARMY WIVES! I couldn't wait until it came back especially since I thought last season was it, but then they said at the end of the last episode they'd be back in 2012! I was super excited! Well, it's kinda sad though because Kayden use to watch it with me if he was up sick, or wasn't in bed yet. Last season my big man was still with me and last March we were in Boston watching it ♥ I miss him so much, I don't want to give it away from people who haven't got to see it tonight, but it made me want to cry so much because I could relate to a lot.
I wonder what Kayden would look like today, what would he have been like as a 10 year old kid, how would he have been with Isaiah or Tavion now? What career would he have chosen as an adult? Watch him get married, have his own family. I have lost it all. I don't have that future anymore. Him being a toddler is all and I have to accept that as being enough as hard as it is. 

Anyways enough sad stuff..I love Pinterest lol I love getting recipes mostly and the crafts! Well tonight's dinner was a pinterest inspired dinner! We have a baked potato casserole, corn casserole, lima beans (because Lexi hates corn), and an ice cream sandwich cake! It was freaking amazing! I suggest you guys try them!! I'll be sure to include the links for the recipes ♥ 
The Ice Cream Sandwich is super easy and I don't have a link for the recipe but it's this:
12 Ice Cream Sandwiches
2 Containers of Cool Whip
Mini Chocolate Chips

1. Layer the dish with 6 ice cream sandwiches.
2. Add layer of cool whip, use 1 whole container.
3. Add 6 more ice cream sandwiches.
4. Add another layer of cool whip, use the last whole container.
5. Add mini chocolate chips. And put in the freezer until it's ready to eat!

This is for a 2 layer cake, you can do a single layer and use 6 sandwiches and 1 container of cool whip.

Here are the pictures of my wonderful dinner =]

Baked Potato Casserole

Corn Casserole

Ice Cream Sandwich Cake