I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Stumbling in the dark.

I've needed to blog for a few weeks now. My heart has been heavy the last couple weeks. The strength I felt once has been taken from me again. Or maybe I've lost it? I don't really know. I just know that in the last week and a half, people I thought gave a crap really could care less. I'm so tired of people trying to make things harder on me. 

When I lost Kayden, I wanted my life to be as little complicated as possible. Not because Kayden made it complicated, but because I missed that life, and just didn't want things to get so horrible that it made me so upset I'd cry every day or night because I missed my life. Things were good, I was going to work coming home, or getting the kids to whatever it may be. Then BAM one thing happens and people start bitching and telling me a bunch of bullshit. So here I am with complications, sorry I can't really say what it is that's going on, but it's aggravating. I thought this person who caused the complication understood and would work with me a bit better. But nooo. Now I'm to the point, I don't want to even try, I'm too tired to even think sometimes, it's just so easy for me to give up, can't they see this & when they make this crap complicated that's all I wanna do. The reason I fought for so long is gone, he's no longer here. My only reason for breathing at the moment, Alexis, Tavion & Isaiah. That's the ONLY reason I'm still here, if not I would have crawled in a corner and died. 

Then on top of all of this, the other day I noticed Tavion's preauricular pit(like Kayden had) was red. A couple of days later, I saw it draining. It was clear so I wasn't too concerned. But you guys can imagine the way I felt, MY STOMACH FELL TO THE FLOOR. I got all the nasty stuff out and it scabbed over & now it's a little red. So we will see. If it drains again I will be taking him to get antibiotics and letting them know all about it since we've got a new pediatrician. I just don't really wanna go down that road again, it was a pain lol. Poor Kayden, his cyst kept coming back and staying infected. & it hurts them when you have to squeeze the nasty out. So HOPEFULLY Tavion's won't be too big of a problem, I know it's simple but please remember him in your prayers and it stays away.

I just feel like someone's turned the lights off on me again, and I'm falling back into my dark hole. I talk to hardly anyone anymore, which is tough. Talking to people is what helps me get through my days. & now all I wanna do is just cry. I MISS MY LIFE. I MISS MY SON. What do you do, how do I get back out of this dark place? I once thought I had it all, I had EVERYTHING. I just don't remember how to get out of the dark, I don't have many people to talk to anymore. Who's going to be there when I let go & fall, I can't hold on much longer?

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