I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Friday, April 11, 2014

Wandering around this world...

Sometimes I feel like I'm just wandering around not sure of where I'm going or who I'm going with. I keep fighting and screaming to get where I need but no one hears me and no one sees me. I feel like I give my heart away too easily, the last time I did I got hurt in the end because of lies, and no trust...All we did was argue..Now here I am 19 weeks pregnant with a precious baby boy and he has no interest at all. So I will be raising one more on my own. I keep asking myself what is God's plan for me..really? What is it? I am a single mom of soon 5 and I have basically a dead end job that's worthless and I hate going into it every day. I couldn't finish school because of babysitting issues and no time for my kids. So I'm attempting a bachelors online as soon as they get my transcripts. So maybe this will work out I don't know. I recently well about a month ago started talking to an old friend of mine well a guy I was talking to a couple years ago. He's pretty awesome, has a good head on his shoulders, he is older and he isn't a kid like what I've been chasing. He actually knows how to treat a woman. So maybe this works out, I am really feeling him and hope he is me. I don't know we just talk and hang out he's fun! I enjoy his company and the kids like him a lot! I just don't know where this will end up. I'm afraid it'll end up the same way as everything else in my life. But I'm afraid to try or give more because not sure if it'll be worth it...IF you ask me yea he is worth it, he's a good man. But ugh I've been hurt so many times in my past that I can't stand another heart break..I'm a complicated person, I've been bent and broken and ripped apart from the inside out and outside in. Had the most precious thing taken from me and still trying to deal with it. I've had a crazy childhood, went from the bottom and brought myself up to where I am today obviously with my moms help and my kids for giving me strength to keep going. I have the determination and strength to keep fighting, but when will the fight be over? I just want to relax for a change.

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