I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Count your blessings..

Have you ever watched your child lay so helplessly in a bed with wires and IVs and monitors beeping? I've had a rough week this last week, flashbacks, people trying to bring me down which make me want to go back in time...and I hate saying it but have some extremely hard days coming in front of me...May was the last full month Kayden spent at home with us. It was the last appointment he had with his cardiologist here in Roanoke. That man and those people at that office have no idea the impact on my life and on my sons life they had. I can never repay them or thank them enough for all they done for Kayden. They are the most compassionate people I have ever met. I went for my fetal echo last week with Kayden's cardiologist. The receptionist at the front desk, came out to the waiting room holding Kayden's memorial thing from his service, she said she still keeps it in her book. It meant so much that she still remembers my boy. Then his cardiologist asked how I was and he even told me he still thinks about Kayden. That really meant a lot.

So many people in this world take things for granted, they think that they have everything in the world..They think their lives are perfect. I'll tell you the moment you start thinking that is when you get knocked right back down...No one is perfect, I was one of those people who swore up and down that I would never lose my, those things don't happen to people like me. Now here I am, I'm a mom of 5 with 3 here on this Earth with me, and one in the making.

I have seen so many things a mom shouldn't have to see her child go through, I know there are people out there who have went through so much more and probably worse. It really opens your eyes when you see your baby laying there with a tube down his throat and a machine breathing for him, he's not moving because he is sedated and paralyzed by medications so he doesn't pull it out and his little body can rest. When only days before he was smiling wide awake, talking to you. I've watched my child fight for his life, I've saw his body get weak and get strong. And then...I saw my son get weaker and fought so hard to keep his spirits up to fight for him to live....Then I held my child's lifeless body in my arms for hours after he had passed, cried over him and kissed him over and over telling him how much I love him, and how it would be okay. Kayden needed to hear those words to know it was okay he left us from this world, I didn't want my 3 year old thinking he done anything wrong by letting go of the fight. My baby boy was so special, I miss him so much. More than anything in this world. I have laid my son in the arms of doctors arms to save his life, I've also gave my son to a funeral home to prepare him for everyone to say their final see you later's.

Those days after Kayden passed away they are a blur, I remember more now than I did a year ago. Each year something else comes back to me. I was going through a few of his things the other day, it's always so emotional but I know it's something I have to do from time to time. His clothes still smell just like he did...I still have much more to go through and I'll eventually get to it.

One of the hardest parts these days is how time keeps moving, and how I have flashbacks and how scary they can be sometimes, sometimes they are so bad they bring me to my knees in tears. I feel the ache in my bones like I did when I lost him. Sometimes I feel like I've put a void over my heart where he belonged to try to forget the pain. But that's impossible. That pain will always be there, it's a part of me now, he IS my son.

I have saw the worst a mother could see, he child's lifeless body.
I have overcame and still learning from a journey God has put me through.
I have counted my blessings and been thankful for those 3 years I had Kayden.
I have signed my life away on papers that could have taken my sons life.
I have learned what unconditional love truly is.
I have learned that you can learn so much more from a child than what we can teach them.
I am thankful God chose me to be Kayden James' mom.
I am proud to be Kayden's mom and I will wear that title proud until the day I leave this Earth and am celebrating with my son in Heaven, and still I will be proud to be known as Kayden's mom ♥

With this blog, I hope you leave with your mind spinning, counting your blessings, being thankful for those children who run up and say 'i love you' just because. Tavion did that to me today which made my heart melt. I want you to look at the circumstances you are having right now and just remember they are temporary. Someone somewhere today is fighting a much tougher battle than you can imagine. Some days I struggle to get out of bed because the pain is so bad, but then remember someone somewhere today is going through something much worse....Be thankful for those years God gave Kayden to me.

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