I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Count your blessings..

Have you ever watched your child lay so helplessly in a bed with wires and IVs and monitors beeping? I've had a rough week this last week, flashbacks, people trying to bring me down which make me want to go back in time...and I hate saying it but have some extremely hard days coming in front of me...May was the last full month Kayden spent at home with us. It was the last appointment he had with his cardiologist here in Roanoke. That man and those people at that office have no idea the impact on my life and on my sons life they had. I can never repay them or thank them enough for all they done for Kayden. They are the most compassionate people I have ever met. I went for my fetal echo last week with Kayden's cardiologist. The receptionist at the front desk, came out to the waiting room holding Kayden's memorial thing from his service, she said she still keeps it in her book. It meant so much that she still remembers my boy. Then his cardiologist asked how I was and he even told me he still thinks about Kayden. That really meant a lot.

So many people in this world take things for granted, they think that they have everything in the world..They think their lives are perfect. I'll tell you the moment you start thinking that is when you get knocked right back down...No one is perfect, I was one of those people who swore up and down that I would never lose my, those things don't happen to people like me. Now here I am, I'm a mom of 5 with 3 here on this Earth with me, and one in the making.

I have seen so many things a mom shouldn't have to see her child go through, I know there are people out there who have went through so much more and probably worse. It really opens your eyes when you see your baby laying there with a tube down his throat and a machine breathing for him, he's not moving because he is sedated and paralyzed by medications so he doesn't pull it out and his little body can rest. When only days before he was smiling wide awake, talking to you. I've watched my child fight for his life, I've saw his body get weak and get strong. And then...I saw my son get weaker and fought so hard to keep his spirits up to fight for him to live....Then I held my child's lifeless body in my arms for hours after he had passed, cried over him and kissed him over and over telling him how much I love him, and how it would be okay. Kayden needed to hear those words to know it was okay he left us from this world, I didn't want my 3 year old thinking he done anything wrong by letting go of the fight. My baby boy was so special, I miss him so much. More than anything in this world. I have laid my son in the arms of doctors arms to save his life, I've also gave my son to a funeral home to prepare him for everyone to say their final see you later's.

Those days after Kayden passed away they are a blur, I remember more now than I did a year ago. Each year something else comes back to me. I was going through a few of his things the other day, it's always so emotional but I know it's something I have to do from time to time. His clothes still smell just like he did...I still have much more to go through and I'll eventually get to it.

One of the hardest parts these days is how time keeps moving, and how I have flashbacks and how scary they can be sometimes, sometimes they are so bad they bring me to my knees in tears. I feel the ache in my bones like I did when I lost him. Sometimes I feel like I've put a void over my heart where he belonged to try to forget the pain. But that's impossible. That pain will always be there, it's a part of me now, he IS my son.

I have saw the worst a mother could see, he child's lifeless body.
I have overcame and still learning from a journey God has put me through.
I have counted my blessings and been thankful for those 3 years I had Kayden.
I have signed my life away on papers that could have taken my sons life.
I have learned what unconditional love truly is.
I have learned that you can learn so much more from a child than what we can teach them.
I am thankful God chose me to be Kayden James' mom.
I am proud to be Kayden's mom and I will wear that title proud until the day I leave this Earth and am celebrating with my son in Heaven, and still I will be proud to be known as Kayden's mom ♥

With this blog, I hope you leave with your mind spinning, counting your blessings, being thankful for those children who run up and say 'i love you' just because. Tavion did that to me today which made my heart melt. I want you to look at the circumstances you are having right now and just remember they are temporary. Someone somewhere today is fighting a much tougher battle than you can imagine. Some days I struggle to get out of bed because the pain is so bad, but then remember someone somewhere today is going through something much worse....Be thankful for those years God gave Kayden to me.

Monday, May 5, 2014

My name is Misty...and I have a Mother Heart.

I'm a day late posting this but late is better than never...Yesterday Sunday, May 4, 2014 was International Bereaved Mother's Day. Honoring those Mother's who have suffered miscarriage, stillbirth, infant and child loss. This year we speak out and tell about our Mother heart..What is in my mother heart, you ask? Keep reading and you will get a glimpse of what's there...

My name is Misty, and I have a Mother Heart! My Mother Heart feels, happiness, grief, love, sadness, hope, brokeness, strength, courage, and faith. You didn't know a heart could hold all of those at once? I don't live in my grief and sadness, though it's there. I live day by day, some are happy some are sad and dark, and on those sad and dark days I grab a hold of the faith and the hope to keep going. I am a Mother of 5 (almost 6), though I have 3 here with me and one on the way. I had a miscarriage in 2005 and I also lost my 3 1/2 year old son in 2011. This Mother heart of mine has seen some awful times and hard days, but with those days have came brighter days of remember and honoring my Angels. Kayden my 3 year old was unexpected at the time of his passing, he was waiting on a heart transplant, he was doing good and all of a sudden he's crashing. Kayden inspired me to help other families who are going through what we did in his short life and be there for the families who have lost their babies or children from a heart condition or any thing. I can't say every day is an easy day because that's a lie, but I've chosen LOVE, I've chose to inspire mother's and families all around the world...it doesn't matter how hard your specific journey gets or how dark your day seems, there is STILL HOPE!!! Kayden became an Angel July 14, 2011, ever since then we have done donations to the hospital he was at when we lost him for his birthday which is December 21, and we've also done food bags for families in the PICU of the hospital. We are now in the process of getting a toy box and donating it in his memory and filling it up monthly or every couple months. I'm always looking for new ways to help these families out. It's a tough journey when you have a child sick, but you ARE NOT ALONE!! When you lose your child, you ARE NOT ALONE! You are never alone. So many people get lost in their grief and they lose their self and their sight of everything. Friends don't know what to say so they disappear, little do they know disappearing only makes it worse and makes you feel alone. Reach out to someone, it takes strength to do that, but we all need it and we need to know we are not alone on this road ♥ My heart is broken, it shattered the day I lost my son, it's being pieced back together a little at a time. Each of those pieces make up my Mother Heart. This journey isn't near being over, but I will take each day one at a time until I find my place in the world and until I inspire people all around the world by telling my story ♥