I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Friday, November 11, 2011

Whatever.

I've had enough of everything. I really have....everything and everyone just keep pushing me...I could walk around every day crying all day if people wouldn't think I was crazy....Every time I'm alone I do cry...I can't help it with all thats went wrong in the last few months how can I not? I don't know when the world will end and I don't care how bad it sounds I hope it does soon because I don't know how much more I can take...The only good thing I've got anymore is my kids. I'm sick of worrying about money and how shit will get paid. I hate Kayden not being here. Every one was in bed the other night and I just went and sat on his bed and held onto his Mickey Mouse pillow and cried. That pillow was one of the only things I've got that stayed with him until his last minutes on Earth...I keep asking myself why did this happened? Why isn't he here? Where did I go wrong? And I can't help but partially blame myself because I took him to that stupid ENT who fuckin the did surgery on his ear while he had infections and then the following month he was in heart failure. So yea I do partially blame myself for not taking him back home that morning. I try to remind myself that this would have happened anyways but it's hard when some days I honestly don't feel like this is how it should be. I put on a show, people tell me oh you're the strongest person I know. WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP NO I'M NOT AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT...I DON'T WANT TO BE STRONG. I WANT MY SON BACK!!!!!!!!! I love seeing others who's kids are doing good but sometimes it just makes my situation worse...so some times I don't know if it's good I have these people still to talk to or if I should just delete everyone so I can keep to myself. A part of me died when Kayden went. And who ever thinks I shouldn't say that oh because 'I still have kids here', well here is what I say to you 'FUCK YOU, GO FUCK YOURSELF'....Kayden was and is my son, he's my oldest son, he was a HUGE part of me, Kayden had a lot of love he had the love I have for my other kids but he also had a different love because of his health and what we went through together....So yes a part of me is gone forever it went with my baby....My heart is broken and it will never be whole again. So I may just die of a broken heart...but oh well because there is no fixing it so I hope people just don't even try...Nothing you can say or do will make anything right because he's not here! I'm glad organ donation saves lives, but ya know what about the lives it doesn't save, what about the ones who still die after they get a transplant? Or how about the ones who never make it because there's a shortage because no one wants to donate their organs...So some days I have mixed feelings about it all.. Put yourself in my position and you'd understand..or maybe you wouldn't because this situation hurts too much to even imagine it.

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