I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Thursday, November 10, 2011

One more month....

It's almost been 4 months now since Kayden went to Heaven. Each day that passes I think it just gets harder. As the holidays come I KNOW it's getting harder. Our family always did a lot around the holidays. My mom cooked big Thanksgiving dinners and as we got older it slowly got a little smaller but still BIG lol. Christmas time we always had decorations and lots of presents and a big tree decorated in every spot with ornaments we made in school and things we bought. As we got older our stuff disappeared slowly and when I had kids we got ornaments for them. Kayden has 2 because a friend of mine bought him one and we also bought him one. Sadly this Kayden will be represented with another ornament with his name & dates and also we got a Mator ornament and a Spongebob ornament to represent our big man. Ya know I just don't know if some doctors realize that when they don't do the best they can and it shows that if something bad happens that the parents and a family has to live the rest of their life without a child or a parent or whoever because one doctor made a wrong decision or because a doctor didn't feel like testing for something. I'm sure some people may think I'm looking for reasons and answers. But no I'm not. I can understand I've accepted Kayden will not come back no matter how much I cry no matter how much I beg, he's gone. Kayden is gone to Heaven forever he'll never be back here on Earth. But I just didn't feel comfortable with the doctors this time at the hospital. I think it was a wrong move to take him off the carvedilol and I think the kidney doctor didn't do shit because all he did was listen to Kayden and say 'give him more fluids'....The green vomit no one was testing they just didn't think it was a problem. So yes I think the doctors really  screwed up this time. And because they made wrong decisions and were concerned about everything else except his heart I have to live the rest of my life without my son and my other kids will live the rest of theirs without their brother. Isaiah won't even know his brother. And that alone bothers me. Not to mention I found out the other day from another mom her other daughter has dilated cardiomyopathy she found out last month, her older daughter had a transplant a couple years ago. She also told me it's recommended that the siblings be screened yearly for DCM. No one ever told me this. Her younger daughter had a normal screening at birth and at a year old....I had a fetal echo done with the boys so I know then they were fine but what about now? That's scary. Alexis has never been checked because I obviously couldn't see the future that Kayden would have a heart condition. Soo at Isaiah's one year check up I'll be asking his pediatrician his opinion...Until the next time I feel like venting, enjoy your days & spend time and cherish every second with your family ♥

1 comment:

  1. WoW....I Love All Of You Misty...Kayden Is Such An Amazing Little Boy..I Hope You & Those Other Babies Are Holding Up Okay :(