I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I'm still angry.

It's true, I do believe I'm still angry. Or maybe just at times I'm still angry that my son was taken from me. As I was looking to change my default picture tonight I stopped because I was getting so angry that he wasn't here to take a new picture of him. I got angry because as I saw the last pictures I got of Kayden, he was okay in those pictures and so much changed so quickly and I don't understand what went wrong. I am still left 14 months later with SO many unanswered questions..

I know there is a bigger picture behind this. God knows what he is doing when he takes our children back home. I know I can't see that bigger picture or get to where he wants me to be until I can get over the madness. I try and when I think I'm almost there, I feel as if it's all hitting me in the face again at once. I miss him so much. When I feel like I need to let it out I do. But lately those days are coming more often again and I don't understand why. I know I'll never get over losing Kayden, but I didn't think that I'd feel like I'm taking 10 steps back. I went awhile with having mostly good days and the bad ones where further apart. But lately they are coming so often again and almost every night I cry. My heart is shattered and it's an awful feeling when you think your childs memory is fading. I don't know how to get past this and get to where I was. I just keep reliving the whole month of July...I don't know what to feel or think anymore. Is this normal? Should I finally seriously consider talking to someone? I just don't want to hear the bullshit of he's in a better place, he's better off....blah blah blah...These things I already know so stop telling me that! JUST FUCKING STOP. That goes to everyone. Because sometimes that just is NOT good enough when all I want is to hold my son close and never let him go. I remember so many days and nights I'd hold his hand and watch him just because I knew how possible it was he wouldn't be here...BUT I never in a million years thought that he would be gone....I always said God put Kayden through too much to take him back and I believed that, I had faith that he was going to help Kayden and let him stay with me. My heart is hurting so much, my head stays hurting and I don't think there is anything that'll help it...not even time.

1 comment:

  1. I would be angry too...I really don't know how parents get through something like what you've been through. I think it might be a good idea to at least try counseling - I don't think they'll dish out the standard "he's in a better place" stuff, especially if they are grief counselors. You could try it once or twice and then stop if it isn't working for you, or find a different counselor. I've sought grief counseling twice in my life - the first counselor was very little help, but the second one really changed my life for the better.

    I wish I could give you a big hug, Misty, and shed some tears along with you - your sweet little Kayden was just beautiful and precious. I just look at his photos and I cry, too. God bless him, and you.