Tonight after the kids had went to bed, my mom and I were talking about my grandpa. She was saying she doesn't know what made him so strong, he was such a believer and went to church every single Sunday his whole life. When my grandpa passed away he was ready to go, he knew it and he said so many times he was ready. He wasn't afraid to die. He knew where he was going and he was ready. I asked my mom, how do you think grandpa would have taken it if he was here when we lost Kayden, what would he think?
She said ya know, I really think it would have upset him, she really does. But she said she doesn't know what he would have said when it came to him believing.....Here's what I struggle with. Why does God take children away from their mother's? I don't understand why he takes children away.....I don't get why he put Kayden through what he did and still in the end took him back. WHY? That's what I struggle with the most, and that's why it's hard for me to go to church and pretend like it's all okay....because I'm NOT okay with it...I hate that the kids have to grow up without their brother. I hate that I still have a lifetime to live without one of my children. I feel guilty when I laugh or smile or have a good time....I feel like I'm doing something wrong....Sometimes I feel like I move my feet but I'm staying in one place...I wish I could just go back in time and be with him and freeze time...I just miss him.