I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Sunday, October 7, 2012

I miss him.

My thoughts are all over the place tonight. It's been a month since I've blogged. I've been so busy with work and the kids and haven't had much time to get online unless it's on the go on my phone! IF ONLY it was easy to blog from there lol. I've had good days and I've had some bad days in the last month. Today was one of those where all the memories cuz like a knife, where every picture I see of Kayden makes me what to curl up and die because it hurts so bad to look at him and not touch him. I miss him so much, I just can't even say how much because it would still be an understatement. People say it gets easier, or as the years pass you'll learn to cope better or find different ways. I'm still not sure about that. I mean I have learned that you just learn to live with the pain, the hurt and the aching in your chest. It's a part of your daily life after you lose your child. But I don't see where it's gotten easier..only harder. I help other families because it's the only way I feel like I can keep Kayden's memory alive, keep him here with us. By telling his story, and by helping others....but at the end of the day when I have to visit my child in a cemetery, kneeling by his grave and telling him baby we've done it again, we've made a difference in someone elses life, I cry. I cry because he isn't physically here for me to show people, he's not here for me to hold his hand anymore, or to kiss his forehead or rub his back.

Tonight after the kids had went to bed, my mom and I were talking about my grandpa. She was saying she doesn't know what made him so strong, he was such a believer and went to church every single Sunday his whole life. When my grandpa passed away he was ready to go, he knew it and he said so many times he was ready. He wasn't afraid to die. He knew where he was going and he was ready. I asked my mom, how do you think grandpa would have taken it if he was here when we lost Kayden, what would he think?
She said ya know, I really think it would have upset him, she really does. But she said she doesn't know what he would have said when it came to him believing.....Here's what I struggle with. Why does God take children away from their mother's? I don't understand why he takes children away.....I don't get why he put Kayden through what he did and still in the end took him back. WHY? That's what I struggle with the most, and that's why it's hard for me to go to church and pretend like it's all okay....because I'm NOT okay with it...I hate that the kids have to grow up without their brother. I hate that I still have a lifetime to live without one of my children. I feel guilty when I laugh or smile or have a good time....I feel like I'm doing something wrong....Sometimes I feel like I move my feet but I'm staying in one place...I wish I could just go back in time and be with him and freeze time...I just miss him.

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