Being a single parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. I didn't quite realize that until today, when I was trying to get Alexis to clean her room and listen to me. UGH..I had my niece today while mom worked and well if you know me then you know these two girls fight like hell. Well, go figure neither were listening to me. Alexis kept running through the apartment and I was telling her to stop running and clean her room, it was a disaster. Of course she didn't listen...So I told her if she didn't get in there and clean then I'd take her tv out of her room. I let the kids do almost anything but I need some help keeping the house clean and Alexis is old enough to help with that. She can pick up after her self or clean her room. Soo her and Lynds are in her room of course I hear them yelling and fighting. So I went in there and what have they done? Pulled more crap out. So I took her tv out she got mad and yelled at me that I didn't like her, etc. So she had me almost in tears. It's not been a good day. But she did get her room clean. Is it wrong I still won't put her tv in her room? I just think they are getting away with too much lately, and I don't want them walking all over me as they get older. I'm still their mother. I just feel like I have to be good to them because I am all they have. I've never walked out and left them behind. It just hurts so much when Lexi says I don't like her because I try to discipline her. I don't do it to be mean. I feel like I have to cut them some slack too because they too lost Kayden. They lost memories that should be made, they lost their brother.
Today I took bubby his pumpkin for Halloween and for Thanksgiving. It'll stay there all through November..just like last year. With the holidays quickly approaching and his birthday coming, my hearts been heavy lately. I just miss him so much my heart is crying. My arms ache for him and I wish he were here to see everything that's going on. I know he sees now but it would be better if he were here. I hate that my new friends I've made will never meet Kayden. I hate that when I meet that special someone in my life will meet the other kids but he will never meet Kayden, he'll only know Kayden through what I tell him. Which I could go on for days about that child. Kayden was my life and still is my life. I still don't understand why God chose him but I miss him dearly and wish I could have one more moment with him..even if at the end of the day that still wasn't enough. I love you Kayden James ♥