I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Missing piece.

Geez lately I've been having awful days. Struggling to get through them. I miss my little man so much. Each day it gets closer to Kayden's 5th birthday and if you ever remember playing tug a war as a child, and pulling the rope back trying to stand your ground but the other people keep pulling you and you slide towards them...That's how I feel. I feel as if someone keeps pulling me towards these days, and I'm trying my best to just stand still or go backwards. I don't want another birthday to come and he not be here to celebrate, I don't want another Christmas to come without him....This Friday, Tavion will be the same age Kayden was on July 14, 2011. My heart is sinking. I miss Kayden more than anything ever. I can't help but remember how our days were in the hospital and how he was content even being there. We would be watching tv or doing puzzles, coloring...Something to always keep him busy. I hate it when people tell me at least you know he's better off...So what I do know that...but some days that just isn't enough. Some days all I want is to hold my son, to be there with him, kissing his forehead saying it's okay...I just wonder what it felt like for them to come and say WE'VE GOT A HEART! God how I prayed for those words to come out of their mouths. I never expected Misty get here we are losing him, they're getting the crash cart. I will never forget that night the rest of my life. Some days though, I feel him as close to me as he was while he was still here. Some times it's like he never even left. But other days, my heart hurts and my chest physically hurts. My arms ache to hold him, I can't watch Mickey Mouse still because that just was Kayden's show. No one else liked it until he started watching it. So Mickey isn't allowed...It hurts when people get hot wheels for my other boys. Kayden loved his cars, so it secretly breaks my heart and makes me want to cry. 

All I want in life is happiness. I wonder if I'll ever find it again. Or will it come when I'm finally with my sweet boy again? I'm missing a piece to my puzzle, it'll never be complete. My heart will always be broken and half of it will always be in Heaven. So how can I ever find true happiness? Seems like something always happens to let me down.

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