I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Catch Up.

It's been over a month since I've blogged. I'm slacking. December was just been super busy, Lexi's Christmas show, Isaiah's birthday last month, Kayden's toy donation & Christmas. Everything went well. Isaiah got his cake through Icing Smiles, it was Thomas the Train and it was adorable!!! My laptop is broken =[ so I haven't gotten to send them the pictures which I feel awful about. It's hard to believe Isaiah is 2 years old. When Kayden passed, Isaiah was only 7 months old. It's hard on me because Kayden loved Isaiah, he was so good with him & it breaks my heart Isaiah won't know his brother, only pictures and things we tell him. I hope he cherishes those pictures of he & Kayden.

We did the toy donation for the second year for Kayden's birthday. It went well, and it was good seeing the nurses who played a huge role in Kayden's life. & our cardiac social worker, she was there also & our cardiology nurse. It's bittersweet going into the PICU & seeing the room where I last held my son, or last saw him alive. My heart is still shattered, it's still piecing the pieces where he belongs. The doctors and nurses who took care of him, I hope they know how much they mean to our family. I'm so glad the kids had a good Christmas in the hospital with all the toys we brought, & alot of it's because Kayden's life. It makes me smile knowing his life has touched so many families, even if they don't know.

Christmas around here was good, it was still sad missing Kayden. It's one of the hardest things in the world to wake up on Christmas morning or any holiday and missing one of your children. There isn't anything worse. I miss him. There is no changing that, I think of him and speak of him everyday. He's still my life. I miss taking care of him, hospital stays even the stress it put on me. I still miss just being there with him. When I see his pictures and scroll through them, I can still remember being there & in a strange way I think a part of me is still in that time zone. I can close my eyes and just remember every second of it. 

I have been working a lot the last month and it's not going to be ending anytime soon. I'll try better to keep up with my blog this year! My goal's for the year are to get Kayden's Kause a non profit organization & to get our Roanoke Mended Little Hearts group together. Hopefully I can do this soon between working and the kids!! Enjoy some pictures from December ♥

Lexi's Christmas Show 2012

Isaiah's Birthday

Kayden's Toy Donation to UVa

Kayden's 5th Birthday balloon release

Christmas 2012

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