I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Live & Learn.

I would apologize for this post being long but I'm not going to. I've done enough apologizing in my lifetime for a few people.

I must say this, do NOT judge ones path if you have not walked in their shoes. Do not push people aside when they need you the most. Do not brush what they say under the table because it could be their last words. I've been having a hard time the last few weeks, just dealing with a lot. I'm trying to push myself back up the mountain to get myself half way up or even just above the ground...

To those who may not know this, I was with my ex from the time I was 16 until 2009, which of course we still were seeing each other because I got pregnant with Isaiah in 2010. Well after finding out he had gotten married I was done with him, he still lied to me about it of course. He'd say anything just to keep me around, but I wised up thank God. I do give credit to Kayden for that strength to push me through those hard months following and accepting things as they were. During the relationship with him, it was good at first, as all relationships are. He did cheat on me right when we first got together and I did almost just say forget it then, but if I did I wouldn't have my 4 amazing children. So I decided we can try this thing again, things were so good for awhile, we got pregnant in December 2004, at my appt in February, we found out our first baby had no heart beat, I was around 9 weeks and lost the baby March 1, 2005. I was 17 when I lost my first child. Things were going good and unexpectedly for me, he says we tried but I don't think we did lol but I got pregnant with our second child in May. Scared just didn't cover how I felt. I didn't want to lose another baby, plus I almost had no blood pressure at the hospital when I miscarried because I lost so much blood. I barely remember a lot from that, I remember they carried me to my sisters car because I couldn't walk I was so light headed and couldn't stop crying, I walked down the hall and fell in a room half way to the garage. I kept going in and out on the way to the hospital, I do remember them talking to me trying to keep me awake. they got me out and put me in the wheel chair at the hospital. It was so crazy. But anyways back to the second pregnancy. At the first appointment, everything was good, I still didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy until I was about 3 months. After that I knew we'd be okay to tell people. Things were still great with me and my ex. We found out we were having a girl at about 4 months pregnant! We were super excited, went out and bought her first pair of shoes, pink & white reeboks. Things went well with the delivery and everything. Lexi was born Alexis Sky Barnes on February 9, 2006 at 2 am. She was beautiful, we were so happy. I was happy. In December, I found out my ex had been cheating on me, I had suspected it since I went back to work in September 2006. I did in fact find out he had been cheating on me since about October. I made him leave in January 2007, of course his lies started a few months before and he told me he loved me, he was sorry, and he wanted to come home. Of course I believed him, I loved him, he was the father of my child. We had lost a baby. I still loved him even after cheating on me. A few months passed and we were good. Until I found out she was pregnant. He denied it was his baby and he was going to have a paternity test done. By this time I was pregnant again with our second child. At my first appointment with baby #2, the baby wasn't there but my doctor said I was definitely pregnant and wanted me to come back in a couple of weeks. I was scared to death, I thought omg not again. I did not want to lose another baby. At the next appointment there baby #2 was with a strong heartbeat. We never explained where the baby was at the first appointment. When I was 4 months pregnant, I went in and found out we were having a baby boy!! YAY, a boy finally, 1 boy and 1 girl. I was excited. I also found more out, we saw the baby looked like he had a cleft lip. They wanted to be positive so referred me to a different clinic. There it was confirmed and said chances are the baby would have a cleft palate as well, but there is more, they noticed something about the babys heart and referred me to a peds cardiologist. That confirmed my son's heart was enlarged and had a leaky valve. Diagnosis was dilated cardiomyopathy & ebstein's anomaly. What to expect, we had no idea. Oxygen at birth, ventilator at birth, nothing possibly at birth. When I told my ex about all of this, he denied my child. I could not believe. He said the baby wasn't his because none of that ran in his family. I told him, mine either but he was still my baby. In September, the girl he was seeing had her baby. They went to court had the test done, it came back..his baby. Go figure. December 21, 2007 Kayden James Barnes was born at 1:24am. He was 4 weeks early. He was strong from the moment he came out, he did need oxygen for the first few days. I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on my beautiful baby boy. He was my first born son and I couldn't ask for more in my first son. He was gorgeous. As they pushed the incubator over to me before taking him to the NICU, Kayden was holding his oxygen mask with no help. Only minutes old and holding his own mask. If that's not strong, I don't know what is. Kayden was there for 2 weeks after he was born, and my ex, well he left again before Kayden even came home from the hospital. He only went to see Kayden once the whole 2 weeks and that was the day I came home from the hospital. We ended up going to court and he did have a paternity test done, go figure this one, he is the father. WOW. Is it a surprise? No....Anyways we kept this up for awhile he was back and forth between me and her, she'd be pregnant then I would. Of course he'd tell me all hers weren't his but then again I'm sure he told her the same thing. She had another child in December 2008, I had Tavion May 13, 2009. We finally broke up for good a week before Thanksgiving 2009. He kept telling me he loved me and he was gunna come home, kept saying she was making him stay there and bullshit. Of course I still loved him and believed everything he would feed me. I got pregnant with Isaiah in April 2010...In June a friend of mine called me and said she had saw the girl my ex was seeing and she was pregnant again and also she had told her that they had got married. Of course my ex lied to me and said it wasn't true. I called and sure enough they got married in December 2009. I don't know what I really felt at that point. I was furious. If I had known, I would not have gotten pregnant, I would have left him alone months ago. I was just so angry at myself for believing everything. In July 2010, Kayden went into heart failure. My strength, the one who kept me sane and helped me through so much was sick. His father couldn't be reached. I basically did go through that myself other than my mom. She was a huge help through all this with Kayden.

During this relationship, we would fight, me and my ex would have some good ones, he threw my phone against a wall once, he never would hit me though, just yell and put me down...I was a bitch and so many other things. He didn't like my friends so I stopped keeping in touch with them & if I dared talked to a male, I was screwing them..or he thought. Little did he know out of basically 6 years, I did not cheat on him. He still doesn't believe me to this day but it's ok. What's done is done. We can't go back and change a thing. I learned and we are way past the point of being a family...

As months went on Kayden was getting sicker, he always kept on smiling though. I  think Kayden held on for us. He knew how much he held this family together even at only 3 years old. He was the rock of our family. Kayden rocked his open heart surgery, he recovered so well from it. We were all so excited, he was gunna be okay. We knew transplant was in our future but didn't expect it for a few years. When he got sick again it knocked us down again. But the strength I got from my son, kept me going. I was fighting for him & with him. Anything I had to do, I was gunna do it. Whether it was placing an NG tube, or checking sats at 2am, or cleaning up his puke from his feeds at 4am...pediasure coming up is the worst smell in the world..just so ya know. Taking a trip to the emergency room at midnight, praying he would not be admitted but knowing deep in my heart he would be. Falling to my knees at 1:30am on July 14, 2011 praying to God to keep my son here with us. Praying he would be okay and stay with us long enough for me to get to Charlottesville. Praying and saying Kayden please baby stay with us, please bubby. I'm coming sweet man. Never losing hope even after I get the phone call an hour later saying 'he's gone, we lost him'....I dropped the phone in the floor of my brothers car crying and screaming why, why, why bubby. Why did you take him, Why Kayden? WHY?!

So I ask you, what is LOVE? Is there a meaning? Is love what I felt and had for my ex, who abused me emotionally, who constantly lied to me...Or is LOVE what we feel for our children? Love, is suppose to be good not bad. Love is suppose to never fail us. My love for Kayden never failed, I still love him with all of my heart and every inch of my body. Half of my heart went with Kayden the morning he went to Heaven. Maybe I did love my ex for sometime, but that love failed, I couldn't put up with it anymore. Even now, 16 months later, I would do anything for Kayden. I do what  I can to keep his memory alive, I do what I can to help my other children remember him....

In 3 years, I've never tried having a relationship with another man. Mostly because I haven't had time especially with bubby being so sick. It was not one of my priorities. It still really isn't. Though I always said if the opportunity came along, I wouldn't push it away. Soo, when the opportunity came along, someone willing to take a chance on this fucked up heart of mine, the heart that has been shattered and pieced back together, one that's missing half of it. I did try and I liked this person, a lot actually. I was actually beginning to be happy with life again, with the exception of missing my son. But then boom, he knocks me down the mountain that I have been trying so hard to climb up for 16 months, but I wasn't down all the way, a couple days later, I find out my grandma is doing really bad, so we go to SC to visit her. She's so weak and sick, she couldn't talk to us, she looked at us but I don't think she really saw us. I don't know, kind of the look Kayden gave us the days before he passed. My grandma ended up passing away November 7. This with the things that also happened have knocked me down my mountain and I feel like I've almost hit rock bottom again. I can feel the walls closing around me, shutting people out once again. I feel the darkness coming over my head again. The tears fall every night almost once again, probably every other night because some times I'm too exhausted to even bother. I try to pull myself up but I don't feel the strength to go. My strength has faded away I feel like. What do you do at this point? Thanksgiving is coming up, Christmas is coming, Kayden's birthday is coming, Tavion will be the same age as Kayden when he passed a week before Kayden's 17 month Angelversary....WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'VE BEEN KNOCKED DOWN AND FEEL YOUR STRENGTH HAS GONE? So many tell me, Misty you are so strong, you are an inspiration to so many..But really. I don't feel that anymore, I can't keep going, I want to fall in the floor and lay there until I'm with my son. Where do you find happiness again? I don't want to look for it, but any more I feel like I'm not suppose to be happy. Why would all this be thrown at me, God doesn't give us more than we can handle? I do not believe that much anymore, because he keeps throwing so much at me at one time. I don't feel like I have many people to talk to about any of this, either they get annoyed hearing the same stuff over and over again, or they just push it in one ear and out the other. I don't know where to turn anymore. Where do I find the strength, because the one who gave me strength to keep going is in Heaven.

So you see, I've been through so much that I don't have it in me to hate, I don't have it in me get angry and stay angry. I've been through the worst thing any one could go through...losing their child. I've held an Angel, I held him hours after he passed and laid with him as I cried. You see I don't want you to feel bad for me or feel sorry for me. I'm not crazy, I've been broken in pieces, but if that's what you call crazy, I've got good reasons for it...All I ask is be there for me, help me stand up, because I need that. I need people around me to help me to keep going. All I ask is. Don't give up on me..even when I push you away.

The old me, happy and loving my life. One who didn't know what true sadness was.

The new me. The one who's been shattered and pieced together..half way.

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