I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James
Monday, November 29, 2010
It's been a couple of weeks since I've updated at all..So much has happened between then and now. Kayden had his catheter done on November 23, what was suppose to be a 1 night stay in the hospital ended up being a week stay at the hospital. I really wasn't expecting what the doctor had to say about the cath. He said Kayden's heart is barely pumping enough blood to his body for him to survive & anything could tip him over the edge, it's too high risk that he wouldn't survive through surgery to repair the valve because it's so damaged and his heart is so weak. So the other option we had was a transplant which no one wants to do right now if it's avoidable. Once the doctor walked out of the room from telling Philip, me & my mom about what they found, it was total silence. I mean what do you say at a time like that, me and Philip were basically told our son is barely surviving and just about anything could cause him not to be with us anymore..And for my mom, no no one is suppose to have favorites but Kayden is her favorite grandchild or I guess it's just we all love Kayden differently than the other kids..So for all 3 of us that was one thing we did NOT want to hear! Once we got to see him in the PICU that afternoon he was sleeping, he had to lay on his back and keep his leg straight for 4 hours, which was hell once he woke up. I couldn't hold him because they left the line in after the cath that was leading straight to his heart. Soo the next day the cardiologists had their meeting and came to the decision they were going to contact some other cards in the country to get opinions about Kayden's case because there had only been a handful of people in the country who's had a heart like Kayden so it's a difficult decision as to what to do to fix it..They put him on a new medicine that's been helping, and as long as it continues to help we can put off any surgery. The doctors wants his body to get stronger for any future surgeries. So there we come to the title of this post..How do you try to accept something that seems so unreal? HOW do I accept that my son may not be here a year from now, how do I accept that my son may not see another Thanksgiving or this may be his last birthday or his last Christmas..How do I accept these things? They are so unreal..How do you take in that your child is barely surviving? I don't think a parent is prepared to hear that..or for other CHD parents whose children don't make it..Are any of us really ready to hear our child didn't survive? All this is so unbelievable for me..I always said when he was born I knew he'd have a cleft lip/palate but there was no way to mentally or emotionally prepare myself for that, I didn't know what to expect..But once he was here I looked past it and I saw a beautiful baby boy..And now with this there is no way to prepare myself for what the future holds...Kayden has showed me so much strength through all of this..I read somewhere that people can put a face to childhood cancers and aids and such but CHD kids when you look at them they usually see them at their best, they are playful kids just like a normal child..They don't see these kids at their worse, so they can't put a face to CHD's..My son is the face of a CHD and it is upsetting that some people don't take a heart defect as serious as a cancer or something..I think I've already posted this in an earlier blog, but let me ask you, how many childhood cancers require you to stop your heart in order for it to get better? And some of these kids require multiple open heart surgeries, some of them will not survive and some of them may, but they may still have multiple complications...CHD awareness needs to be spread everywhere because unless you've walked in the shoes of a CHD parent you don't realize the seriousness of these problems. I still don't know what to expect with Kayden, the new medicine may help a month, 2 months, or a year I don't know..But what I do know is i shouldn't have to live my life worried about what will happen to my son, and I shouldn't have to make him stay home because it's too cold for him to go enjoy something when the other kids get to go..I shouldn't have to, but when he is so fragile which he is, that's what I have to do..Or I will bundle him up like its -50 degrees outside just to go to the store and people look at me like I'm crazy...But that's what I have to do to keep him well, because the smallest thing could put him in the hospital and become a big problem for him. Kind of like the ear infection he had a few weeks ago, he ended up in the hospital..It's just so unreal anymore. My son is a fighter and I will do what I can to keep him here with me, because I can NOT accept that he may not be here in a year..It will always be in the back of my head but I will not accept it anymore I can't, I don't even know how to accept it.
Posted by Misty at 9:10 AM