I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I don't think ANYONE understands...

UGHH..so today hasn't been one of the best..I feel so alone sometimes like I'm the only one who actually understands anything that's going on. I think some people only want to be there just because I don't think it has anything to do with supporting me or being there for Kayden, or being there for ANY of my kids. I'm frustrated and have no one to go to. I want to scream and pull my hair out or just throw a few things and have a nice cry, but if I do people still are like what's your problem..I honestly can say people just don't understand how I'm feeling right now unless you've been in my shoes & experienced something like this. I don't know what to expect with my son, I don't have any idea, I don't know if I'll have him in a year from now..I don't know if he'll be with me 5 years from now..I DON'T KNOW and I shouldn't have to think like that, but I do and it's reality. Anything could go wrong if he has surgery..I mean they have to stop his heart for open heart surgery, and for a transplant..So really if they stop your heart, your dead...WHAT if his heart doesn't start again..I know everyone says you've got to have faith..Well let me tell you I've had faith since the day he was born and I won't lose faith in the doctors and I know God will watch over him, but it's always easier said than done...It's always easier to watch someone or see someone else go through something, yea you think about them or pray for them but when it comes to being on this side, on the side that things aren't going so well & you are in a situation where you just don't know what's going to happen it's hard to look at the good side and not the bad..I'm just glad I have a few friends who will stand behind me and support me no matter what, and I have few family members who I KNOW will be there for Kayden & me and not just because.

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