I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Monday, February 21, 2011

Every Heart Has A Story - How CHD has affected relationships...

When Life Hands You A Broken Heart

Here goes nothing:
Starting with my relationship with Kayden & my other kids father Philip. We broke up shortly after Kayden was born thanks to a lot of drama. We did end up back together again for a few months & the drama and us being off and on became pretty much a lifestyle with us until finally now I think I've given up. Not only for my own sanity but also for my kids as well. I think he knows that we can't keep going on like we were for our kids sake. Although I think we've became closer since Kayden's heart has gotten worse, it's really opened both our eyes I believe. We don't seem to fight as much like we did before, and I think we both are finally on the same page with our little boy. If not then I think we are close to being on the same page. He does what he can to help me, which most important is he is there for Kayden! That means the most to me! 

I think also me & my mom have gotten closer through all of this. I really don't know where I would be without her. My mom went through similar things when I was a baby. I was born with a diaphragmatic hernia & I had surgery at about 2 hours old. She was told I probably wouldn't survive. Obviously I made it, I was too stubborn to give up my fight & I have a wonderful mom who didn't give up either. So, when the doctors told me Kayden may not make it through surgery & he is barely pumping enough blood to survive, & every time his cardiologist reminds me that there is a chance of death & how hard it would be to resuscitate him, I feel the pain my mom felt when she was told that about me. Growing up I know I didn't listen to my mom & then I'm sure I thought I knew it all, I was untouchable as all kids are right?! Well now I see that she just wanted what was best for me. My mom has been there for Kayden & me since the day we found out I was pregnant with him. She was there with me when they confirmed his CHD & his cleft lip/palate. She has been there for Kayden since day 1, when I couldn't get to the NICU then my mom would be there & sometimes I'd let her go because she loves that little boy & she wants to be with him as much as I do!! My mom and I have shared a lot of emotional times through this journey with Kayden, and I thank him and his broken heart for bringing my to realize how much my mom really loved/loves me!! 

My relationship with my other kids has changed as well. I know Alexis is only 5 and Tavion isn't even 2 yet & Isaiah hell he isn't even 3 months haha!! But sadly they've had to go without me & there brother for weeks at a time especially Alexis & Tavion. Alexis recently while Kayden has been in the hospital called me a few times crying I'd ask her what is the matter and her words threw her tears 'I miss you'. That is heartbreaking, I wanted to cry and just reach out and give her a big ole hug!! I've told her soon the doctors will fix Kayden's heart and we'll all be okay. I know I can't promise he'll be okay but I sure as hell can hope & pray that God doesn't take this little boy away from us after he's changed our lives for the better!! I think I've also learned to cherish every single moment I get with all of my children, I've learned to hug them a little tighter and a little longer. I've learned to not lose my patients so easily like I use to, I've learned that they have feelings too & they need just as much of my attention as Kayden does. My daughter and my other boys have had to go through this too & I think people may forget the siblings of a CHD child because they aren't the ones with the scar. But really I think they have the scar as well, they have the scar of missing mommy & daddy & missing brother or sister!! They've got to go without parents & their routines get disrupted so our CHDers can get fixed!! So I've made a point now to try and take days out just for Alexis, Tavion & Isaiah, because they need me as much as I need them!!

So you see, when life hands us a broken heart, it hands us more than just one! It affects a whole family & it's also affected strangers who I don't even know. My son has affected nurses, doctors as well as friends or friends. He's had people praying for him that I don't even know. CHD's are a serious birth defect that I think people forget about. Mostly probably because the kids or adults look just like normal human beings!! When really under their clothes they may have a scar that reminds them they have been mended because they were born with a broken heart! CHD has changed my relationship with myself. I have learned to respect others more & I've changed my relationship with God. I never have been a huge religious person but I've opened my heart up & I've let him in my life & I'm letting him guide me through. I've said recently I feel like someone is having to push me through all of this now & that is because I believe God is holding my hand walking me through this journey. He's helping my family & myself get through all of this & I do believe he will have his hand on Kayden's heart the whole time the surgeons are doing their job to fix my child. & I know he will not take my little boy after changing all of our lives for the better!! I've learned also that sometimes we must fall apart in order to pull ourselves back together again, without falling apart a few times I wouldn't have made it this far. I've learned to love stronger & I've learned the strength a child can bring us. CHD's are not going anywhere they will continue to affect thousands of families. & When one heart is broken remember behind that one, there are a lot of other hearts breaking as well. And our relationships will continue to change so  I should probably say this blog is to be continued...

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