I can make it through the rain....

I feel like sitting on the floor, arms around my knees pulled to my chest & just SCREAMING. Would you hold it against me if i did that? Kayden has finished the transplant evaluation, here goes about the cath today that scared the hell out of me. Okay first off last night I had no sleep because I was so scared and worried because his cath in November from UVA his numbers were bad then. And there is one in his lungs they needed to be lower or else transplant wouldn't work & the only option was leave him on meds...and well we know where that would end up...So anyways he had the cath today & once they were done & i talked to the cardiologist. She said his pressures were all high & they were all surprised he has done so well not ventilated because his heart is barely doing anything. BUT the number they were wanting to be lower...WAS LOWER & he can have a transplant!! Now when they tried taking the breathing tube out, his oxygen dropped and his heart rate dropped into the 40s or 50s I can't remember what she said really, I was so caught up into the he will be able to have a transplant..So they had to re intubate him. Once he got upstairs and I saw him, his sats were still low but they suctioned and everything they could & gave meds and his oxygen went back up. So he's doing well for now. 

I did get to finally come home this evening and be with my other little loveys until Saturday =[. I miss them all so much. I'm scared Isaiah's is going to forget me =[.

OMG I still don't know how to really handle all of this. I feel so many things. My emotions are in overdrive..I feel happy, sad, mad, anxious, scared, etc,etc,etc!! I know it's normal to feel this way. But really..you could say hi & I will get tears in my eyes....that's bad! I am scared big time. I never knew it was possible to LOVE someone so much..I love Kayden so much and I'm scared to death. the thoughts of him having a transplant..taking his heart out of his body and putting a new one in..i just don't know, it scares me to death. I love my son so much and I do not want to lose him. I don't think I could go on without him or any of them. My kids are my life, they always have been and always will be. I'm so thankful for my friends and family who have been there for me through his journey..I thank all of the other CHD families who have supported us as well <3 I'm going to go finish my break down..so I can go back to Kayden Saturday facing this coming week stronger than I have been. I thank God for each night I have Kayden, I pray he keeps him safe through everyday and every night & I pray he will watch over him while he waits on & when he gets his new special heart <3 Miracles do happen..I've seen it..I live with a miracle everyday 

I am sure there was more I was going to say but I can't think straight right now =/