Lemme see if I can do this

I hope I get through this with no tears. So it's the night before the Congenital Heart Walk 2011 which will be in Richmond, VA. Technically this is the first thing I've done since Kayden's been gone to honor him. He was such a sweet boy. Kayden was always full of life, he taught me and my family a lot of valuable lessons about life. I now think I can face anything even if I'm doing it alone...technically I will never be alone. Kayden will always be around, he was such a special little boy who made the world a better place because he was here even if it was for a short time. I was so afraid when I had Kayden, I remember being scared of how I'd react to him because I never seen a cleft lip/palate which I wasn't upset because of it I just was afraid of it whether it was bad or not so bad....Turns out once I saw his sweet little face, I looked passed everything and saw my sweet innocent baby boy who was born into this awful cruel world. Kayden had a presence very distinct. You could ALWAYS know when he was around or in a room. He made my life worth living(so do the other kids), but Kayden was different. Everyday I didn't know what was ahead of us. I learned to live in the moment, one day at a time. I took things slowly because with him you couldn't rush anything. I've never been a very patient person but with him, I learned to be. I finally came to a conclusion tonight about the holidays coming. Yea they are right here on top of us and yes I will be decorating and I will be celebrating it for my little ones. I can't say it will be harder because, yea it's a holiday but it's just like any other day. So I can't miss him more on Thanksgiving or Christmas than I do today. I miss him every second of everyday of my life and the holidays will be no different. Yea it will be weird without him but I can't say harder because every day is hard with out him here. His birthday on the other hand that might be a struggle because that's HIS day and it will always be so I'm sure people will get sick of me talking about him all day on December 21. But hey, we all talk about our kids..am I suppose to just forget Kayden existed? NOPE never not a chance...and I don't care if it means watching spongebob all day long on his birthday and doing his balloon release..I will. I live with the most awful pain anyone could ever have, I've lost my child, I lost the baby I carried inside for 9 months, I lost a beautiful person who I created I watched him grow for 4 years(including the pregnancy). I will never forget the first time I held him, or his first step, or his first word. But also I will never forget his first surgery, the first time he got discharged from a hospital which was the NICU, I will never ever forget the day I was told my son was in congestive heart failure, I'll never forget while he was getting his x-ray before heading to the PICU, I was pregnant and couldn't be with him so my mom was, he was crying he hated people messing with him and I sat in the room waiting for him and broke down in tears scared to death of what was ahead of us. I will never forget the day of his first cath that he wouldn't survive a valve replacement and probably not a valve repair either. I will never forget them telling me 'his heart's barely pumping enough blood to his body for him to survive'. I will NEVER forget the first and only open heart surgery. I almost broke down before walking out of the room I left him in for him to go to the OR. I broke down as I turned around...I cried the whole time through the surgery almost. I will never forget the wonderful news that my son done wonderful, after he came off bypass his heart took right over...I will never forget when Kayden had to be admitted on June 14, 2011 for him to be evaluated for transplant. I will never forget that last month I had with my son. I will never forget the phone call I got at around 1:30ish am I will never forget my mom telling me 'you need to get up here, we're losing him' I will NEVER forget the phone call I got after we were headed to Charlottesville, the one NO parent should ever get when I heard the words 'he's gone'. I will NEVER forget holding my son and laying with my son the very last time ever. I will never forget laying my son to rest for eternity. I will NEVER forget how strong Kayden was and I will always be proud of him, I'll always remind his sister and his brothers how brave their brother was.