I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Saturday, October 29, 2011

It's almost Halloween!!

AHH I hate scary movies. I really don't like Halloween that much. I mean I love it for the kids but the scary stuff is a big fat NOPE for me lol. I guess that's where Kayden got it from. Geez I can't believe it's already freaking almost November. I'm learning to live with the pain of not having my baby here. It's horrible but the more I think about it since it's getting cold. At least he doesn't have to worry about getting sick. His little immune system was crap. I felt so bad I told him today good thing he wasn't out in this mess because he'd for sure have ear infections and be in the hospital (if he wasn't already). The sad part is Kayden would most likely still be waiting for his heart transplant. This makes me sad. It makes me sad to see other kids in their Spongebob costumes because that's what Kayden was going to be this year. I was even gunna bring it to the hospital to let him dress up. I hate he isn't here to have fun. I still have flashbacks of him on Halloween last year and the year before. I can still feel myself with him and the way he felt. I miss holding him, I miss kissing him, I miss hugging him, I miss talking to him, I miss EVERYTHING about him. My heart hurts. I feel the ache in my heart. I do dread Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I know the first ones without him will be hardest. But Kayden was so easy to buy for at Christmas and it's going to be HELL for me not to get him nothing. Last Thanksgiving Kayden & I were at UVA and my mom and brother brought us Thanksgiving dinner. It hurts to think of him not being here now. One minute his heart was beating and the next it wasn't...This isn't fair I wish I could go back and change everything and have him here with me...Kinda selfish huh because hey, he is in a better place and he IS happy and healthy. There is no sadness in Heaven, so he doesn't miss me, he's just waiting for me and he comforts me when I'm sad. All I can say is wait for me Kayden, everyday is one more closer to you baby ♥

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