I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Sunday, November 4, 2012


What is it? I don't know but I feel like it's following me around the last few days. I feel pissed off at the world and can't shake it. I don't know what's wrong with me but I wish it would go away. I wish I could disappear and stay gone for awhile. What do you do when everything you once knew is taken from you? I just need some direction anymore. My heart is hurting. My head hurts and I'm confused. I built myself up after losing Kayden it has taken me this long and I'm still  not even a quarter of the way up the mountain and people keep throwing me back down. I can't take it emotionally. I shouldn't have ever let myself get emotionally involved in ANYTHING. That's my first fuck up right there.

I use to know where I wanted to be and I was happy with all 4 of my kids by myself. Standing there talking to Kayden today, I had a feeling come over me that was just this is my life, this is where I want to be right there with him. I don't want to be anywhere else. I miss him so much I just wish I could have him back it's not fair. I can't shake this feeling. It seems like EVERYTHING goes wrong all at one time. Last year after I lost Kayden, I disconnected myself from everyone, crawled in a hole and stayed gone all day just so I didn't have to go home to the empty bed he should be in, I could see him everywhere I looked, on the couch, in the bed, walking down the hall sayin 'get me'. I miss him. I just miss him and there is nothing that will make it better unless I'm with him. I'm torn though, between this world and him because I've got to be here for my other children. But half of my heart is with Kayden. I look back to blogs I wrote while Kayden was here and they make me cry because I was so blessed, and I remember feeling those feelings and I miss them. I'm still blessed but damn it I WANT MY CHILD BACK. It's not ever gunna be right again in my life..And for people to take advantage of me it just makes me wanna fucking vomit. Sorry for the horrible language but I had to get it out.

Hopefully you're having a better day than me.

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