I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Friday, November 9, 2012

Words that define me.

I've been through a lot in the last 5 years of my life. From the time I found out Kayden was going to be born with health conditions all the way up to losing him and this week losing my grandma. I would say I have a reason to be a little crazy at times. I also have the right to love and care about people no matter how they treat me. I can forgive. I may not always forget, I may be sweet but I also can be bitchy. I'm sensitive, I cry at the drop of a hat, I've always been that way but worse since I lost Kayden. I am in love with love. I can't wait until the day I find love again. The love I have for my children is amazing and knowing they love me makes my day ♥ I do feel like I've went crazy this week, I keep feeling a very heavy weight on my chest, I'm sure it's anxiety about my grandma's service...same funeral home and she's being buried next to my grandpa, and Kayden's on the other side of him. My heart will sink when I walk into the funeral home I'm sure. As it will when we go to the cemetery and walk the path to those little chairs. I've walked that path over 730 times, that's twice a day, once there and once back to the car. I could do it in my sleep, but I know as I walk and see the chairs and tent there over my son's grave, my heart will once again hit the ground. I keep having flash backs and keep seeing him laying their in his casket at the funeral home. I miss my little love...I want this to be an awful nightmare and wake up and Kayden be curled up next to me. I wish my life could go in reverse so I could have my son. I don't care about nothing else from my past except for him. I just want my baby back. I want the people in my life now to know Kayden, not just through pictures, videos and from what I tell them. Sometimes I feel people get bored with me always mentioning him or telling them stories about him...but he is my child, he always will be.....I reposted a picture with this on it today. It describes me. Every bit of it. 
The most beautiful people we have known,
are those who have known defeat, known suffering,
known struggle, known loss, and have found their way.
Out of the depths, these people have an appreciation, a sensitivity,
and an understanding of life thaht fills them with compassion,
gentleness, and a deep loving concern. 
Beautiful people...do not just happen.

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