I have handed my son over to surgeons knowing they would stop his heart, and prayed that it would beat again. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. I have cried more than I ever thought possible. I have celebrated victories and milestones that others never have to. I have walked a road I never knew existed. I will walk this road forever. I am a mommy to a CHD Angel ♥ iLy Kayden James

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Change is never easy...

Lately I've been reflecting on myself & things I've done. I've really came to the conclusion that I do not and will never regret anything I've done, although there are things I wish I'd made better decisions. But you can't change the past & I hate it when I see people who still remember and judge me from my 'past'. EVERYONE has a past, one that we are proud of or not so proud of. Mine I'm okay with some of it. But you know I've came to the biggest conclusion which is I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for the choices I have made. We live & we learn. Sometimes we may not learn the first time around but the second or third you definitely will. I've been thinking so much also about who I've become & who I'm becoming. I no longer give a crap what you or anyone thinks of me. It doesn't matter, I've never been the type to really care what people think a bout me but now I do think it's more obvious. If you can't accept me for who I AM, then you don't deserve me in your life. I've seen a lot just in the past year that really makes everything I've ever seen or been through seem like it's nothing. I've witnessed a mother's nightmare as well as witnessing miracles. My life has never been the same since I found out Kayden had a heart defect. And since he was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure my life has changed forever, I'm scared daily for things. I don't know what the future holds for him. I don't know if he'll ever grow up to be the man I want him to be or if he'll ever have his own family. I just have to pray and think positive. Kayden's heart has been mended for now but he is still on edge. I guess you could say we are kind of out of the woods now instead of getting deeper in. I don't know how to stress to people, but don't judge someone until you've  got to know them & know about what they've been through. I didn't have the easiest life growing up although my mom ALWAYS was sure we had what we needed. I hope to have a better life for my kids and I think that is why I'm in school is for my KIDS!! I'm anxious to get back to school in May but then again I'm not because I'll have to leave Kayden =[. I also have to start paying on my loans...which will SUCK big time lol but hopefully in the long run it'll be worth it!! The point of this blog is to prove that change it NEVER easy unless you let it be!! I've let most of my change be easy!! Anyways, Kayden's hospital stay is over & we're home & he's doing great!! Hopefully we'll be out of the hospital awhile this time!! Goodnight <3

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